- I’ve realized that I can be picky with what sorts of guys I talk to and what sorts of guys I kiss. I didn’t know that for a while, but now I get it. Otherwise, I would still be all wrapped up in the first guy that I met. I think that was Footweiner McLovin’, but I could be wrong
- I’m cute. It took me a long time to get here, but if some guy sees a picture of me with my fascinating bio and wants to talk to me, I gotta have something going for me
- My hair is awesome. End of story.
- I don’t have to settle. I don’t. There are things that I will compromise on, but I don’t have to accept what comes my way. I can kick boys to the curb whenever I want
- I can take boys home from bars. No need to do that anymore. Unless he’s really hot. Then it’s okay.
- I don’t NEED a guy in my life. I’ve been single for over a year now and it’s kind of fun. Granted, when everyone I know is getting married or is engaged or is in some form of functional relationship, it’s a bummer. But I’ll find someone.
- There are so many fucking creeps on the internets. I already knew this, but this online dating thing has proven it. I don’t talk about sex to people I really don’t know. I’ll talk about sex to my friends, whether they are people that I’ve known for years or just some online friends I have. I really don’t mind. But if you’re some weird man on the net, I’m not going to tell you I like it in the butt (mostly cause I don’t. That’s an overshare, sorry)
- I finally have my life in some sort of order now, so I can truly be with someone and not have it take over my life. I hope. We’ll see, I suppose
- I’m not one of those girls that can wake up every day and throw on makeup and wear heels and exist as a total girly girl. For a while, I would attempt to do that. Now if I meet a guy, I’ll put on some makeup, sure. But if we’re doing something not makeup worthy, I’ll be in jeans and a t-shirt. That’s the way I am normally. I’m done changing myself to make someone else happy. My happiness matters more than some douchebag guy’s happiness.
- Guys either get my family and become accepted by them or they don’t. My family, however much I don’t like it sometimes, is a part of my life. There are lots of family members to impress. You need to make all of them like you, not just some of them.
- I’m fucking awesome. I’m so awesome. I don’t need a guy to tell me that cause I’ve figured it out myself. And if a guy decides he doesn’t like me, it’s his loss. It’s no fault of mine that he can’t figure out how fucking amazing and generally perfect I am. He can shove it.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
"I must look like a beastly beast with a cracked teacup for a heart"
Today got me thinking of all the emo love things. You know, being depressed and sad and in love and all those things all at once? Lilo and I were talking about Weetzie Bat today and it reminded me of some of my favorite quotes from those books. They are about mystical and magical love.
"An amusement park in winter is like when you go to the places where you went with the person you love but they're not with you anymore. Everything rickety and cold and empty...if you thought you were empty inside from being alone you know that you for sure have a stomach anyway but it doesn't want to stay in there. You also for sure have a heart which is beating hard and doesn't want to stay where it is either"
"Do you know when they say soul-mates? Everybody uses it in personal ads. ‘Soul mate wanted’. It doesn’t mean too much now. But soul–mates – think about it. When your soul – whatever that is anyway – something so alive when you make music or love and so mysteriously hidden most of the rest of the time, so colorful and big but with out color or shape – when you soul finds another soul it can recognize even before the rest of you know about it. The rest of you just feels sweaty and jumpy at first. And your souls get married without even meaning to – even if you can’t be together for some reason in real life, your souls just go ahead and make the wedding plans. A soul’s wedding must bee too beautiful to even look it. It must be blinding. It must be like all the weddings in the world – gondolas with canopies of doves, champagne glasses shattering, wings of veils, drums beating, flutes and trumpets, showers of roses. And after that happens you know – that it, this is it. But sometimes you have to let that person go. When you’re little, people, movies and fairytales all tell you that one day you’re going to meet this person. So you keep waiting and it’s a lot harder than they make it sound. Then you meet and you think, okay, now we can just get on with it but you find out that sometimes your soul brother partner lover has other ideas about that. They want to go to New York and write their own songs or whatever. They feel like you don’t really love them but the idea of them, the dream you’ve had since you were a kid about a panther boy to carry you out of the forest of your fear or an angel to make love and celestial music with in the clouds or a genie twin to sleep with you inside a lamp. Which doesn’t mean they’re not the one. It just means you’ve got to do whatever you have to do for you alone. You’ve got to believe in your magic and grace right up to the mean nasty part of yourself that wants to keep the one you love locked up in a place in you where no one else can touch them or even see them. Just the way when somebody you love dies you don’t stop loving them but you don’t lock up their souls inside you. You turn that love into something else, give it to somebody else. And something in a weird way when you do that you get closer than ever to the person who died or the one your soul married”
Then there's this. This poem is something that a friend from college showed me. One of her friends had it written about her. It's beautiful and I love it and the first time I read it, I burst into tears.
- Remember the night we went to that rich area near the water?
- And we walked around
- And the stars were really bright and wonderful – looking at us from above?
- And it was balmy…but with a crisp wind
- And I remember the exact image of you looking up at the stars and me catching you doing it…and it was one of the most human, picturesque, gorgeous, innocent things ever
- I never tell anyone that
- and it hit me so hard…seeing you like that
- that it imprinted the smells, the sounds of the wind, the silhouettes of the trees…to this day I remember every aspect
- And I was acting weird when we got back in the car
- And you didn’t know why
- You thought I was mad
- But it was because at that moment I knew I could want you and only you forever and ever with that image of you under the summer blackened sky looking up
- Nothing could come close
- not even words. And hence my inappropriate actions, acting distant the whole ride home
- It was pure terror that feeling. Knowing that I’ve seen something that was totally pure and was the most aesthetic beautiful scene and person ever. So fitting
- And it was that moment, that moment. That sparked it.
- I’m babbling. Sorry. There’s nothing you could really say
- It’s almost too much. You know when you think back to things…and you feel them again, inside your body…as if you’re there
- I think of summer…and I’ll be walking…and a warm breeze will pass by once in a while…and the smallest thing will just make me break down inside
- And think of stars
- and winding roads
- and darkness
- and Adriana
- in her dress
- just a flailing atom in the breeze of life swaying so furiously
- and its hypnotic trance summer
- There.
- That’s what I wanted to tell you
- And it’s not even close to being a modern romantic thing dressed up in flashy words to make it sound genuine. I truly was awestruck. And it….was scary
- You would think seeing something so beautiful would be nice…happy…smiles. But when you do see it, like I did when I saw you there, it’s…not something you are taught to handle
- or deal with. Something that can capture you, make you realize that it has just made you lose your breath to the point of fainting with love, ecstasy and passion
- And what can you say? God forbid I tell you when I saw it…what do you say to someone who has just made in total love with them? Just by…being.
- Nothing.
- You cannot say a word
- They have not earned it in the normal sense
- They just….have it
"An amusement park in winter is like when you go to the places where you went with the person you love but they're not with you anymore. Everything rickety and cold and empty...if you thought you were empty inside from being alone you know that you for sure have a stomach anyway but it doesn't want to stay in there. You also for sure have a heart which is beating hard and doesn't want to stay where it is either"
"Do you know when they say soul-mates? Everybody uses it in personal ads. ‘Soul mate wanted’. It doesn’t mean too much now. But soul–mates – think about it. When your soul – whatever that is anyway – something so alive when you make music or love and so mysteriously hidden most of the rest of the time, so colorful and big but with out color or shape – when you soul finds another soul it can recognize even before the rest of you know about it. The rest of you just feels sweaty and jumpy at first. And your souls get married without even meaning to – even if you can’t be together for some reason in real life, your souls just go ahead and make the wedding plans. A soul’s wedding must bee too beautiful to even look it. It must be blinding. It must be like all the weddings in the world – gondolas with canopies of doves, champagne glasses shattering, wings of veils, drums beating, flutes and trumpets, showers of roses. And after that happens you know – that it, this is it. But sometimes you have to let that person go. When you’re little, people, movies and fairytales all tell you that one day you’re going to meet this person. So you keep waiting and it’s a lot harder than they make it sound. Then you meet and you think, okay, now we can just get on with it but you find out that sometimes your soul brother partner lover has other ideas about that. They want to go to New York and write their own songs or whatever. They feel like you don’t really love them but the idea of them, the dream you’ve had since you were a kid about a panther boy to carry you out of the forest of your fear or an angel to make love and celestial music with in the clouds or a genie twin to sleep with you inside a lamp. Which doesn’t mean they’re not the one. It just means you’ve got to do whatever you have to do for you alone. You’ve got to believe in your magic and grace right up to the mean nasty part of yourself that wants to keep the one you love locked up in a place in you where no one else can touch them or even see them. Just the way when somebody you love dies you don’t stop loving them but you don’t lock up their souls inside you. You turn that love into something else, give it to somebody else. And something in a weird way when you do that you get closer than ever to the person who died or the one your soul married”
Then there's this. This poem is something that a friend from college showed me. One of her friends had it written about her. It's beautiful and I love it and the first time I read it, I burst into tears.
- Remember the night we went to that rich area near the water?
- And we walked around
- And the stars were really bright and wonderful – looking at us from above?
- And it was balmy…but with a crisp wind
- And I remember the exact image of you looking up at the stars and me catching you doing it…and it was one of the most human, picturesque, gorgeous, innocent things ever
- I never tell anyone that
- and it hit me so hard…seeing you like that
- that it imprinted the smells, the sounds of the wind, the silhouettes of the trees…to this day I remember every aspect
- And I was acting weird when we got back in the car
- And you didn’t know why
- You thought I was mad
- But it was because at that moment I knew I could want you and only you forever and ever with that image of you under the summer blackened sky looking up
- Nothing could come close
- not even words. And hence my inappropriate actions, acting distant the whole ride home
- It was pure terror that feeling. Knowing that I’ve seen something that was totally pure and was the most aesthetic beautiful scene and person ever. So fitting
- And it was that moment, that moment. That sparked it.
- I’m babbling. Sorry. There’s nothing you could really say
- It’s almost too much. You know when you think back to things…and you feel them again, inside your body…as if you’re there
- I think of summer…and I’ll be walking…and a warm breeze will pass by once in a while…and the smallest thing will just make me break down inside
- And think of stars
- and winding roads
- and darkness
- and Adriana
- in her dress
- just a flailing atom in the breeze of life swaying so furiously
- and its hypnotic trance summer
- There.
- That’s what I wanted to tell you
- And it’s not even close to being a modern romantic thing dressed up in flashy words to make it sound genuine. I truly was awestruck. And it….was scary
- You would think seeing something so beautiful would be nice…happy…smiles. But when you do see it, like I did when I saw you there, it’s…not something you are taught to handle
- or deal with. Something that can capture you, make you realize that it has just made you lose your breath to the point of fainting with love, ecstasy and passion
- And what can you say? God forbid I tell you when I saw it…what do you say to someone who has just made in total love with them? Just by…being.
- Nothing.
- You cannot say a word
- They have not earned it in the normal sense
- They just….have it
Bad blogger
Yes, I've been a bad blogger. Nothing has been happening though. Well, correction. Something has been happening.
So Bootcamp Boyfriend, AKA Boots, is home from bootcamp. He was IMing me before, if you recall and saying that he was coming home. And when he signed off from AIM, he told me he loved me. Of course that rattled me because I wasn't prepared to deal with that. How could I be? I hadn't talked to him in months and now he's like "oh, love you!" Asshole. We've been talking, just as friends. I don't mind having him as a friend in my life. He always was able to make me laugh when we dated, he just was a giant asshole.
It seems now that Boots has changed. I'm not saying that I'm dating him again, but he's a different sort of person. Maybe bootcamp really did knock the snot out of him. He's been really open about his feelings and generally just really nice to me. He's been telling me that I'm gorgeous and beautiful and smart and funny and cute and pretty and adorable and all sorts of other things like that. Things that I would have killed for him to tell me when we were dating, but he never had the words to say so. Now he's telling me all sorts of things that I want to hear. Just not from him. I can't say that I don't like the attention, because I do. I like knowing that someone thinks I'm beautiful.
You know how I feel about the word beautiful. When he says it, I'm able to believe it because he knows me completely. He knew all the little things about me. He saw the bad parts and the good parts and everything in between. He liked me anyway.
As he's saying all these nice things about me, I told him that he should have told me that when we were dating. He said he always felt this way and I should have known. I told him regardless of the fact that I should have known, I didn't. And he didn't tell me.
Before anyone says how stupid I'm being for even talking to him again...that's all it is. We're talking. I can talk to my ex-boyfriends. Although Reaper is a bad example, I talk to Reaper all the time. There's no good reason that I can't talk to Boots in the same way that I talk to Reaper. Granted, it won't be the same, but I can treat it the same way.
So Bootcamp Boyfriend, AKA Boots, is home from bootcamp. He was IMing me before, if you recall and saying that he was coming home. And when he signed off from AIM, he told me he loved me. Of course that rattled me because I wasn't prepared to deal with that. How could I be? I hadn't talked to him in months and now he's like "oh, love you!" Asshole. We've been talking, just as friends. I don't mind having him as a friend in my life. He always was able to make me laugh when we dated, he just was a giant asshole.
It seems now that Boots has changed. I'm not saying that I'm dating him again, but he's a different sort of person. Maybe bootcamp really did knock the snot out of him. He's been really open about his feelings and generally just really nice to me. He's been telling me that I'm gorgeous and beautiful and smart and funny and cute and pretty and adorable and all sorts of other things like that. Things that I would have killed for him to tell me when we were dating, but he never had the words to say so. Now he's telling me all sorts of things that I want to hear. Just not from him. I can't say that I don't like the attention, because I do. I like knowing that someone thinks I'm beautiful.
You know how I feel about the word beautiful. When he says it, I'm able to believe it because he knows me completely. He knew all the little things about me. He saw the bad parts and the good parts and everything in between. He liked me anyway.
As he's saying all these nice things about me, I told him that he should have told me that when we were dating. He said he always felt this way and I should have known. I told him regardless of the fact that I should have known, I didn't. And he didn't tell me.
Before anyone says how stupid I'm being for even talking to him again...that's all it is. We're talking. I can talk to my ex-boyfriends. Although Reaper is a bad example, I talk to Reaper all the time. There's no good reason that I can't talk to Boots in the same way that I talk to Reaper. Granted, it won't be the same, but I can treat it the same way.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Gah
Trogdor yet again asked me what I was doing next weekend (which is now this weekend) because he wanted to hang out. Seriously man. Seriously.
But in mostly truth, I am busy until the middle of September with plans. And by "busy" I mean that I might have one thing to do that day but I could stretch it out to take the whole day. I am a bad bad person.
But in mostly truth, I am busy until the middle of September with plans. And by "busy" I mean that I might have one thing to do that day but I could stretch it out to take the whole day. I am a bad bad person.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Nothing has been going on
I am lame lately. I told Radio Farter (that's his new name as far as I'm concerned) that he was plenty nice but there was no spark between us. I didn't include that his farting was a real big turn off. Lilo told me I had until Friday, so on Wednesday after I had had a few to drink, I told him to hit the bricks. I do feel better now. He was kind of lame all the time.
And aside from that, nothing new in the boy department. Bootcamp Boyfriend (one of my co-workers has started calling him Army Boots, which I think I like more and will use from now on) is back in NY. He texted me last night. I'm interested to know what Boots did that he tweaked so hardcore. Boys are dumb. That's all I have to say.
Tomorrow Summer and I are going to drink our faces off. When we go out, one of Summer's Husband's friends comes along. He has a wife, but she never comes. But when he goes out with us, he hits on me like it's his job. He stares at my boobs and is kinda touchy-feely. I laugh it off because he's usually so drunk he has no idea what he's saying, but it's weird all at once. I'll update on Sunday with what happens.
And aside from that, nothing new in the boy department. Bootcamp Boyfriend (one of my co-workers has started calling him Army Boots, which I think I like more and will use from now on) is back in NY. He texted me last night. I'm interested to know what Boots did that he tweaked so hardcore. Boys are dumb. That's all I have to say.
Tomorrow Summer and I are going to drink our faces off. When we go out, one of Summer's Husband's friends comes along. He has a wife, but she never comes. But when he goes out with us, he hits on me like it's his job. He stares at my boobs and is kinda touchy-feely. I laugh it off because he's usually so drunk he has no idea what he's saying, but it's weird all at once. I'll update on Sunday with what happens.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
What Happened
So here's why Radio Flyer is out. We had a nice dinner. I had a burger and it was fabulous. We were having a sort of interesting conversation. Actually, that's a lie. He was telling me about being the sports director at his college radio station and some football game that he had to call. I was asking questions that had nothing to with the football part, but everything to do with the weather, the uniforms, the cheerleaders, etc. But things were going okay. I thought maybe he would be okay. He is someimtes a little slow on the uptake, but sometimes I am too.
He wasn't totally out by this point. And then. And then....he screwed himself. One of the things that the Statie did that totally disturbed me a lot was that he farted around me. And yes, you want someone to be comfortable enough with you that they don't feel that they have to censor themselves. The Statie farted a lot. He wouldn't even acknowledge his farting, he would do it in the middle of conversation and keep on going. If we were sitting somewhere, he would shift so one half of his ass would be up and he would fart. I know everyone farts. I accept this. But I don't want to know about it. I don't fart around my friends and I most certianly didn't fart around boys. In fact, I don't even think I like the word fart. It's a gross word. I don't really like the phrase "passing gas". My aunt used to call it "tooting", so maybe that's what we will go with.
In case you hadn't figured out what he did.....he tooted. In the middle of the conversation. Statie style. I was horrified. And now, Radio Flyer, you are most cetianly out. He tooted and just kept on talking. He shifted his seat, lifted his ass, TOOTED and kept on talking. He didn't excuse himself, he didn't acknowledge it. I saw the Statie in a flashback. Also, he yawned and didn't cover his mouth.
Now the only thing I have to do is tell him that he's out. We all know how well that went with Trogdor....
He wasn't totally out by this point. And then. And then....he screwed himself. One of the things that the Statie did that totally disturbed me a lot was that he farted around me. And yes, you want someone to be comfortable enough with you that they don't feel that they have to censor themselves. The Statie farted a lot. He wouldn't even acknowledge his farting, he would do it in the middle of conversation and keep on going. If we were sitting somewhere, he would shift so one half of his ass would be up and he would fart. I know everyone farts. I accept this. But I don't want to know about it. I don't fart around my friends and I most certianly didn't fart around boys. In fact, I don't even think I like the word fart. It's a gross word. I don't really like the phrase "passing gas". My aunt used to call it "tooting", so maybe that's what we will go with.
In case you hadn't figured out what he did.....he tooted. In the middle of the conversation. Statie style. I was horrified. And now, Radio Flyer, you are most cetianly out. He tooted and just kept on talking. He shifted his seat, lifted his ass, TOOTED and kept on talking. He didn't excuse himself, he didn't acknowledge it. I saw the Statie in a flashback. Also, he yawned and didn't cover his mouth.
Now the only thing I have to do is tell him that he's out. We all know how well that went with Trogdor....
Friday, July 11, 2008
Quick update
I went out with Radio Flyer. And I've decided that he's out. He committed a wrong so wrong....god. It's not really his fault, persay, but it's not okay.
More tomorrow when I'm not so tipsy and my brain doesn't hurt
More tomorrow when I'm not so tipsy and my brain doesn't hurt
Open letter
Dear fucking Beautiful man at the gym,
I almost tripped over the curb when I saw you walk in after me. I was so glad that you were at the gym last night. Whenever you're at the gym, I push myself to work out harder because you're so hot. I would also let you do all sorts of dirty things to me on the treadmill. Or on one of the weight machines. I can think of a few that we would have some fun on. While you were working out your awesomely hot arms, I noticed you had no wedding band. I believe we could have lots of fun. Also, you have the most perfect ass ever. Just sayin'.
XO
Carrie
I almost tripped over the curb when I saw you walk in after me. I was so glad that you were at the gym last night. Whenever you're at the gym, I push myself to work out harder because you're so hot. I would also let you do all sorts of dirty things to me on the treadmill. Or on one of the weight machines. I can think of a few that we would have some fun on. While you were working out your awesomely hot arms, I noticed you had no wedding band. I believe we could have lots of fun. Also, you have the most perfect ass ever. Just sayin'.
XO
Carrie
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
So confused
Last night, I was online. Bootcamp Boyfriend IM'd me. He's apparently in Kentucky, on his way back to upstate NY. We talked for a bit about nothing really, just about what he's going to do when he gets back home and so on and so forth. As he's signing off, he goes "love you, bye." I had no answer to that. What the hell am I supposed to say to that?!
I know that I've told friends of mine that I loved them when I signed off, even if we weren't that kind of friend because I was signing off in a hurry and I told someone else that. I know I've told ex-boyfriends that as a force of habit. It's like talking to someone you used to love. When you're ending the phone conversation, you want to say "I love you" because that's how it used to end. But that's not how our lives are now. We're not in love. And even though I might not even love him in a friendly sort of way, I still care. And there he is, telling me "love you". He might not even realized he did that.
Or he might have realized and done it just to make me all confused. Things I'm not going to do: let him know that he got to me. Cause he did get to me. When (but the bigger question being if), he talks to me again, I'm not going to bring it up. Maybe he will. Maybe he'll do it again. Maybe he won't. I really have no idea. I just know that he got me alllllllllll sorts of confused, like an asshole. Like he is.
On the Radio Flyer front, I texted him on Monday night and said something along the lines of "so what's the plan on Friday?" I thought that was a kind of flirty way to accept his offer to go out on Friday night. He responds by saying "we are going to go out". Yes, I know that. I KNOW THAT. At that point, I was kind of annoyed by him because he didn't get it. Of course, I know I'm the one being dumb, but seriously guy. SERIOUSLY. I haven't talked to him since then.
I thought there was some other boy annoyance I had to blog about. Now I realize that I don't have any.
I know that I've told friends of mine that I loved them when I signed off, even if we weren't that kind of friend because I was signing off in a hurry and I told someone else that. I know I've told ex-boyfriends that as a force of habit. It's like talking to someone you used to love. When you're ending the phone conversation, you want to say "I love you" because that's how it used to end. But that's not how our lives are now. We're not in love. And even though I might not even love him in a friendly sort of way, I still care. And there he is, telling me "love you". He might not even realized he did that.
Or he might have realized and done it just to make me all confused. Things I'm not going to do: let him know that he got to me. Cause he did get to me. When (but the bigger question being if), he talks to me again, I'm not going to bring it up. Maybe he will. Maybe he'll do it again. Maybe he won't. I really have no idea. I just know that he got me alllllllllll sorts of confused, like an asshole. Like he is.
On the Radio Flyer front, I texted him on Monday night and said something along the lines of "so what's the plan on Friday?" I thought that was a kind of flirty way to accept his offer to go out on Friday night. He responds by saying "we are going to go out". Yes, I know that. I KNOW THAT. At that point, I was kind of annoyed by him because he didn't get it. Of course, I know I'm the one being dumb, but seriously guy. SERIOUSLY. I haven't talked to him since then.
I thought there was some other boy annoyance I had to blog about. Now I realize that I don't have any.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Weird weekend
Radio Flyer asked me out for Friday night. I have not answered him. To be fair, I was drinking for 3 days straight, so I couldn't be expected to answer anyone about anything. I still think I have something going on, but looking at my planner and all the calendars in my life, I really have nothing. I should tell him whether I want to or not soon. Yes, I should.
Saturday night I went with my aunt to see Cheesy Fries. He had left work before I got there because his shift ended. I'm starting to think it's not worth the damage to my liver to keep on trotting out there.
But neither of those things were weird. Those things are both pretty normal. No, the weird thing happened on Friday evening. I had been drinking maybe a lot. Just maybe. My phone rings and I didn't recognize the number. I knew it wasn't the Statie boyfriend, who called last week. He's in the 518 area code. This was a different number. I answered...and it was Bootcamp Boyfriend. He's leaving bootcamp. I guess he cracked under the pressure or something of bootcamp. He's getting discharged this week and flying back to Syracuse. I'm standing there in some sort of shock. This guy was tough, mentally. He played all sorts of head games. He doesn't properly express feelings and generally is an asshole. Somehow, someone at the bootcamp got into his head and screwed him all up. I was worried for a bit because no matter how much I hate him, I still don't want anything bad to happen to him. He assured me that he was okay and that he was coming back east. He also told me that I was the only girl for him. Uh, what now? What the hell are you talking about? Then last night, I was off doing stuff (watching a movie I will blog about in a second) and he IMed me. He just left a message of nonsense, but still. Now he's in my brain. He's in my dreams again. In my dreams, he's always fabulous. He is always all those things I wanted him to be and all the things he was before whatever went wrong with him went wrong.
I just don't understand why I can bury the thoughts of Weston Footballer, The Reject, Maine Man and The Statie, but I can't get him out of my head. He's in there. It was a long and hard relationship, one that you would think that I would want to bury in that place in my head where things that make me sad go. But it's out in the open, rolling around and causing trouble. My brain clearly hates me too, because it's bringing out all the good times we had together, not the horrible times that I cried my eyes out and just hoped that he would either love me more or drop dead so that I didn't have to deal with him. I know I'm different now and it shouldn't bother me. But he's the same. Bootcamp hasn't changed him into the guy that he so badly needed to be 3 years ago. Just get out of my brain, Bootcamp Boyfriend. Get. Out.
The movie I watched last night was Wristcutters: A love story. And it was. It was about love in the afterlife, after all. And I felt so tingly and sad all at once. I think about who I was, again in relation to the Bootcamp Boyfriend and I'm so glad that I'm out.
Saturday night I went with my aunt to see Cheesy Fries. He had left work before I got there because his shift ended. I'm starting to think it's not worth the damage to my liver to keep on trotting out there.
But neither of those things were weird. Those things are both pretty normal. No, the weird thing happened on Friday evening. I had been drinking maybe a lot. Just maybe. My phone rings and I didn't recognize the number. I knew it wasn't the Statie boyfriend, who called last week. He's in the 518 area code. This was a different number. I answered...and it was Bootcamp Boyfriend. He's leaving bootcamp. I guess he cracked under the pressure or something of bootcamp. He's getting discharged this week and flying back to Syracuse. I'm standing there in some sort of shock. This guy was tough, mentally. He played all sorts of head games. He doesn't properly express feelings and generally is an asshole. Somehow, someone at the bootcamp got into his head and screwed him all up. I was worried for a bit because no matter how much I hate him, I still don't want anything bad to happen to him. He assured me that he was okay and that he was coming back east. He also told me that I was the only girl for him. Uh, what now? What the hell are you talking about? Then last night, I was off doing stuff (watching a movie I will blog about in a second) and he IMed me. He just left a message of nonsense, but still. Now he's in my brain. He's in my dreams again. In my dreams, he's always fabulous. He is always all those things I wanted him to be and all the things he was before whatever went wrong with him went wrong.
I just don't understand why I can bury the thoughts of Weston Footballer, The Reject, Maine Man and The Statie, but I can't get him out of my head. He's in there. It was a long and hard relationship, one that you would think that I would want to bury in that place in my head where things that make me sad go. But it's out in the open, rolling around and causing trouble. My brain clearly hates me too, because it's bringing out all the good times we had together, not the horrible times that I cried my eyes out and just hoped that he would either love me more or drop dead so that I didn't have to deal with him. I know I'm different now and it shouldn't bother me. But he's the same. Bootcamp hasn't changed him into the guy that he so badly needed to be 3 years ago. Just get out of my brain, Bootcamp Boyfriend. Get. Out.
The movie I watched last night was Wristcutters: A love story. And it was. It was about love in the afterlife, after all. And I felt so tingly and sad all at once. I think about who I was, again in relation to the Bootcamp Boyfriend and I'm so glad that I'm out.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Thanks Darcy
southpole: hey
Darcy: Hi there!
Darcy: Happy Belated 4th of July!
southpole: thanks it sucked
southpole: wat u up
southpole: to
Darcy: Not much...recovering from our party yesterday.
Darcy: Sorry yours stunk.
southpole: wat was ur name again
Darcy: Darcy. You're Mike, right?
southpole: yes
southpole: can u call me i am really depressed
Darcy: I'm sorry to hear that....
Darcy: I'm not going to call, but you're more than welcome to talk it out here.
Darcy: What's wrong?
southpole: u might hate me
Darcy: ? Huh?
southpole: i have a baby on the way maybe
Darcy: Well, I don't hate you for that. Why is it a "maybe"?
southpole: cuz she will not tell me if it is diff
Darcy: How far along is she?
southpole: if she is 1 month
Darcy: Hmm... that's kinda early to tell... Is she just late or did she actually test positive?
southpole: she has not got her period for 3 weeks and we had sex 3 and half weeks ago
Darcy: Sooo...this is not a definite situation by any means... Plus a period comes every 4 weeks....
Darcy: Hi there!
Darcy: Happy Belated 4th of July!
southpole: thanks it sucked
southpole: wat u up
southpole: to
Darcy: Not much...recovering from our party yesterday.
Darcy: Sorry yours stunk.
southpole: wat was ur name again
Darcy: Darcy. You're Mike, right?
southpole: yes
southpole: can u call me i am really depressed
Darcy: I'm sorry to hear that....
Darcy: I'm not going to call, but you're more than welcome to talk it out here.
Darcy: What's wrong?
southpole: u might hate me
Darcy: ? Huh?
southpole: i have a baby on the way maybe
Darcy: Well, I don't hate you for that. Why is it a "maybe"?
southpole: cuz she will not tell me if it is diff
Darcy: How far along is she?
southpole: if she is 1 month
Darcy: Hmm... that's kinda early to tell... Is she just late or did she actually test positive?
southpole: she has not got her period for 3 weeks and we had sex 3 and half weeks ago
Darcy: Sooo...this is not a definite situation by any means... Plus a period comes every 4 weeks....
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
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