Nonsense

Last night, I was watching The Shield. I kind of love that show. The Statie got me into it and I've just been following it ever since. I kind of love Michael Chiklis. Just saying. Anyway, during the commercials, there were all sorts of ads for Chemistry.com, eharmony.com and match.com. Exactly who do they think is watching The Shield? I guess they figured it's people like me. People that are single and lonely and still up at 10:45 on a Tuesday night. They might have a point, but still. Didn't need to make it so clear. I just thought it was an interesting way to get the name out there. I watch a lot of TV and I've never seen so many ads for dating websites in a one hour show. Seriously, there had to be about 8 spots. They're onto me

On the radio this morning, there was some list from Glamour about things guys want girls to do. One of them was "give them the green light for sex". And it wasn't for sex with you. It was for sex with someone from your top 5 list of celebrities that you would sleep with. You know, that list you have of people that you would totally sleep with, no questions asked if you were to stumble upon them in the street. The way I see it, if some guy I'm dating wants to sleep with Kirsten Dunst, I'm going to give him the green light to do so. The probability of him actually meeting her and sleeping with her is so low. I gave this some thought while I was driving in...so here's my top 5, in no real order (edit: I was having some formatting issues in that I couldn't get the words to be with the pictures. So deal with what's going on below and like it)

1. Christian Bale - So hot in Batman. So hot in The Prestige. Totally want him.
2. Hugh Jackman - Totally wanted to have Wolverine's babies. Can we see why?
3. Trent Reznor - So angry and yet, so jacked up. He's twisted. I kind of love that.
4. Brandon Boyd - Not only do I love his music, but I think that he's totally adorable
5. And finally...Brad Pitt. I think he's on everyone's top 5. I loved him in Fight Club and I loved him in Snatch. Can't wait to see him in Burn After Reading.


















Here's the question...who's in your top 5?

Lack of updating - I'm so lame

Really, I haven't trying lately. That's the real reason that I haven't been searching for boys. I was in Vermont last weekend and this weekend I'm going to MA with Darcy.

I've sent winks to a couple of guys on Match and I've gotten a message or two, but nothing exciting. I'm talking to a guy now and he seems pretty nice. There's just one thing that kind of bothers me and I'm not sure if it's just me being shallow or what. He's only 5'7". I'm 5'10". It comes down to how much the difference in height actually bothers me. I dated a guy that was really short (he was 5'4"). So maybe I won't notice the 3 inches if I really like him. As Darcy would say, I can make a deal breaking issue of anything. I was willing to overlook The Statie's drinking because I liked him. I'm going to keep on talking to him and see what happens. Like I said, so far, so good. We realized that we like one of the same and weirdest movies. We both love "Empire Records". I think he's the only person I've ever talked to that actually likes that movie as much as I do.

Why don't I have any more guy friends either? Once The Brewmaster moved out to Chicago, it's like I have no other males to hang out with. I don't work with that many guys either. I had so many guy friends at school and then I came back home and I had no one. Really the only guy I hang out with is Summer's Husband. Or some of Summer's Husband's friends. And well....we all know what I have to say about them.

Magical weekend

As I said before, My Aunt had a party this weekend. She was inviting all sorts of people from the O, including Cheesy Fries. Cheesy Fries and I had an important moment this weekend - I realized that My Aunt was totally right and we would not work. Why? Because he's just like The Statie. He's cocky and full of himself and totally LAME. He would be a good drinking buddy, but that's about it. He was amusing to talk to and it was good to see that there was nothing there. There were some other guys there from the O and I dig them. There's Wren, who's so cute and adorable and I want to take him home and squeeze him. He's rather awesome and My Aunt (even though she has a boyfriend) wants Wren. Oh no, not for you. Then there's 'Lil Steve and he's adorable. We were playing beruit and losing so badly and everytime I took a shot he would say "Carrie baby, please make this one. C'mon sweetheart, it's all you" and I would laugh and laugh. And he smelled so good. I wanted to tell him that, but it was a little creepy.

That wasn't the fun part though. Not at all. At 1 AM, The Statie calls. He does. I maybe had been drinking for like...almost 12 hours by that point. I maybe was playing flip cup and winning. The phone started ringing and I HAD to answer it. How could I not? I'm standing around the table with My Aunt's Boyfriend, Cheesy Fries, Wren, 'Lil Steve and another girl My Aunt works with. I tell the boys that they just need to start screaming obsentities at the person on the phone. So they do. They're drunk and they did what I said. I laughed and laughed and then passed the phone to Darcy so that I couldn't do it again. I knew I would. Then at 1:13 AM, he sent me a text that said: "just wanted to say hello. Hope youre doing well. Hoped to think i could still talk to you. Guess not. Night Carrie". Excuse me. The last time I talked to him I told him to NEVER call me or text me again. Ever. I didn't know there was a grey area there that maybe people got confused about. Guess there was. Also, even if I wanted to talk to you, why are you calling at 1 AM? Granted, it was a Saturday and chances were that I was awake anyway, but why are you calling at that time? That's no way to get on my good side.


Then at 1:34 AM, he calls again. I don't have my phone, Darcy does. She doesn't answer and doesn't tell me that it's ringing. That's probably for the best.

At this point, I tell My Aunt that The Statie is calling and she's totally livid. She knows what happened and how he's crazy stalker man. She texts him and tells him that I'm busy and to never call or text me again. Which I already explained to him. I'm continuing to play flip cup and laughing with the boys.

2:15 AM, I get another text. I didn't edit this at all, this is the way it came to me. "Ok.Glad you were my practice girlfriend.Thanks for proving ican have actually attractive girls fuck me.Better thanyou but thats not sayingmuch.Cry to sleep ;)"

Oh ho? Is that so? You think I'm crying myself to sleep because I'm done with you and your stupidness? And as for being a practice girlfriend - I wasn't. But even if I was, I was a damn good one. I loved him and treated him well and was way nicer to him than I should have been. What amuses me is that he sent this as if a YEAR AND A HALF LATER it would have some sort of effect on me. I'm so totally and completely over him. He's not in my thoughts and he never comes up in conversation and I don't care what he has to say. I've already gone over all the reasons that I was too good for him, but here's another one. Yes, My Aunt should have probably not said anything to him, but she's just as tired of this shit as I am. As as for those actually attractive girls? Lilo put it best "pictures or it never happened". I don't want pictures but I can guess those girls aren't as pretty as I am. And furthermore, I'm sure all those girls are rather disappointed with what he's packing. It was kind of sad. I'll admit it. Yes, I did date him for over a year, but we got along well when we were dating and I was willing to overlook his...er...shortcomings. And I mean shortcomings in several very different ways. I'm not saying anymore. I think you all get it.

You think you did anything to me with that text? You're so wrong. In fact, it amused me. Right after I got it, I looked at Darcy and I said "I'm going to blog about this. I really can't wait". So I did. Thanks for the inspiration, Statie. Hope this "hot" girl of yours can read and write. If she works at Pricechopper (which is my guess) she might not have even graduated from high school. If that's your thing, then okay! Just remember, I'm fucking awesome. You. Are. Not.

Whoa

Lots of things happened last night and I promise a full update tomorrow. But let me tell you, my life is SO interesting even without dating someone. Seriously

Ex-boyfriends?

Very excellent article

I was thinking today while I was at the gym about all my ex-boyfriends. All of them. I can't say that I am proud of some of them, but they helped me become who I am now and help me to know that I don't ever want to date boys again. So here's the list of winning boyfriends, in all its glory. I might do a bit of oversharing. I'm just warning you

1. Weston Footballer
- dated for 3-4 months when I was a junior in high school
- played football (duh)
- helped me to misplace my virginity
What can I say about the WF? He is the reason that I started down the trail of "Boy, I love sex!" He was my first boyfriend. I met him at a leadership conference when I was a junior in high school (the fall time). We were talking online a bit before he asked me out on a date. He came to pick me up, he was dressed exactly how I like a man to be dressed and wowed my parents. I can't tell you for the life of me what we did. He bought me roses. He came and hugged me tight when I thought my parents were going to get divorced. Was an excellent boyfriend...before I slept with him. A month or two after that, we broke up...but still had sex. Oops. He would come over to my house late at night and we would go back to his house. I haven't seen him recently, maybe 2 years ago? The last time he saw me, I was working at the bookstore and I had on my emo glasses. He told me I looked like a sexy librarian. He still IMs me from time to time, wondering who I'm sleeping with. He also tells me in great detail about the sex we had, as if I had forgotten. I tried to forget, but he brings it up again. He had a girlfriend that he would cheat on all the time, but it was okay...cause she was cheating on him all the time. He's currently trying to convince his new girlfriend to have a 3 way.
Reason we broke up and who did the breaking - I think he did. Why? Because he was bored? Because I was all emo? Beats me
Friendship status - IMs every now and again. He lives down in PA

2. Reaper
- dated for 6 months or so between senior year of high school and first semester freshman year of college
- went to my college, which was where I met him
- left after freshman year
- Best. Boyfriend. Ever
Reaper is one of my best friends. Honest to God, I wouldn't change that for the world. It took us a while to get there. I met him at the accepted students weekend at my college. He told me I had beautiful eyes. After that weekend, we kept on talking. He came with me to my senior prom. We started dating shortly after that. It was a long summer without him. We were inseperable in college. We had all the same friends. He was an awesome boyfriend - always there for me, always said the nicest, sweetest things to me, always wanted me to be happy. We had awesome sex. And then we broke up. We didn't talk for a few months, which was hard cause we had all the same friends. Then we made up...and started sleeping together again. My sophmore year of college, he came to visit and hooked up with my roommate. I stopped talking to him after that. We didn't talk for 8-9 months until before my 20th birthday. Then we became best buds again. He met all my boyfriends in college to give them the seal of approval. He threatens to beat up guys that hurt me. We thought about getting back together a few times, but never did. Right now, I would much rather have him in my life all the time as my best friend than run the risk of breaking up with him and losing him again.
Reason we broke up and who did the breaking - He did. I was still emo. He thought that if we didn't break up, he would end up marrying me. Says that was the biggest mistake he ever made
Friendship status - He's my BFF. We talk like, 3-4 times a week. He makes me feel better when boys make me feel down. I don't see him half as much as I should. I miss him terribly all the time.

3. Maine Man
- dated for maybe a month second semester of my freshman year of college
- I stomped all over this one
I started dating Maine Man a month or two after Reaper and I broke up. He was friends with one of my friend's (named Robin) boyfriends (named Skullcrusher). They lived across the hall from each other. He looked a lot like the Weston Footballer. He was sweet and innocent. He drove all the way from Maine (where he lived) to Connecticut to get me to bring me to school...in upstate New York. We got him really drunk one night and he couldn't find his way back to his own dorm. None of us helped him home. His heart was totally in the right place, but I wasn't over Reaper. He also had the tinest smallest little weiner...ever. It was sad. If I had known this, I would have never gotten involved with him in the first place. I broke up with him when I was drunk, then slid down a muddy hill on my ass. And not on purpose. I broke the poor boy's heart. It gets better though. He lived with Skullcrusher our sophmore year of college. Skullcrusher was terribly in love with Robin...and she broke up with him. And I went to pick up the pieces. That was awkward. Then one night I went to a party with Skullcrusher and Maine Man and I wanted to go home. Skullcrusher told Maine Man to walk me home. He did and then he told me all the bad things about me. Awesome conversation.
Reason we broke up and who did the breaking - I broke up with him. I wasn't over Reaper. It just wasn't working. He had a tiny weiner.
Friendship status - He left after first sememester of sophmore year. I think I might have talked to him once since then and he was engaged.

4. The Reject
- Dated him for 3-4 months first semester of my sophmore year of college
- Worst. Boyfriend. Ever.
I started dating The Reject for really only one reason. My grandfather was dying from throat/lung cancer. I was in upstate New York. I was so upset and I needed someone to make me feel better. In addition, I was really sick. I was sleeping all the time and couldn't get out of bed and I had the nastiest worst migraines as well. Because of all my sleeping, I really don't remember much of my relationship with The Reject and that's probably for the best. I was in sad fucking shape, my friends. Enter The Reject. His friend (Kellen) was dating one of my friends (Liz) and that's how I met him. He was short. Like, 5'4". I'm 5'10". We were weird together. He had gotten into a serious car accident with Bootcamp Boyfriend and another friend of theirs. He wasn't a good boyfriend because he did nothing to try to make me feel special. He would stay with me at my college dorm and talk to other girls online about how we were breaking up. Of course, I had AIM logging, so I found these conversations. I went with Liz and surprised him at his house one day. He was on the phone with another girl. He had a really hard time holding down a job. He more or less sucked at life. He's the boyfriend I never talk about becaues it's flat out embarassing that I would have dated him. He started going to the college that The Statie went to...a year after I graduated. From what I hear, he went looking for me and couldn't find me. Because I had graduated. Fucking moron.
Reason we broke up and who did the breaking - I did. I realized that I needed to be better and I needed to fix myself and he wasn't a part of that. He was probably cheating on me too. Oh, and he was a reject
Friendship status - What do you think? He still IMs Darcy from time to time though.

5. Bootcamp Boyfriend
- Dated him on and off for 2 years, starting my sophmore year of college and ending my senior year. TWO FUCKING YEARS
- He gets in my brain and I can't get him out
- Amazing sex. Totally amazing.
Bootcamp Boyfriend was friends with The Reject, which was how I met him. He was totally charming and totally into me. When we first started dating, he would come to see me every weekend (he lived like an hour away in the boonies). He worked nights, but would still come to see me. One weekend, he didn't come to see me and he was kind of ignoring me. So I got a little drunk and hooked up with this other guy. I came clean, but that was always awkward. When things between us were good, they were great and excellent. I totally loved him. I really did. The end. He sent me flowers when I had to get my tonsils out over the summer. He missed me while I was gone. Then it was time for me to go back to school and back to him...and he stopped returning my calls. He stopped talking to me altogether. He didn't want to date me anymore, I guess? I can't tell you how we got back together, but we did. It might have been because my computer broke and he offered to fix it. We might have been talking by IM? Then we started talking more and more and got back together. My roommates hated him (with good reason) but I tried to make them like him. He would make me cry on a daily basis. He was totally emotionally abusive. I put up with that for two years. I don't even know how. I would only see him on the weekends, as I said. We would talk during the week and he would tell me about the other girls that he worked with and how they were hitting on him and they had bigger tits than I did and so on and so forth. I would cry and feel like shit. Then at the end of the conversation, he would tell me he loved me. And when he saw me, he would tell me how much he loved me and how he couldn't live without me. I bought into that. We kept on breaking up and making up for a long time. The summer between my junior and senior year of college, I started working with a group of people that helped me think the best of myself. I stopped sleeping so much and I lost 25 pounds. My confidence grew. I was strong enough to get out of my emotionally abusive relationship and recognize it as such. I finally had enough in me to get rid of him and move on and be a better person. A better, more amazing person. I wanted my friends back. I wanted to be like I was. He, meanwhile, was dating some girl that was cheating on him. His dad got married and even before my senior year in college and his dad's new wife told me that I wasn't invited to the wedding. I didn't need him. But for some reason, I saw him. He came upstairs to my dorm room, pushed me up against the door and said "I love you still. Always." Uh, what? So we had a thing that didn't go well my senior year of college. It was always like pulling teeth to try to get him to come and see me. The few times that we did though, we had a great time. He would be excellent boyfriend when we were together. He would be not excellent boyfriend...every other time. That math doesn't add up. I met The Statie as my relationship with Bootcamp Boyfriend came to a halt. One of the last days when I was at college, packing up my room before graduation, he called me. He was hysterical in tears. Like, couldn't get the words out tears. He was telling me how much he loved me and how awesome I was and how he couldn't live without me and so on and so forth. I didn't buy it. We then didn't talk for a while until I had this crazy ass dream about him. I emailed him, expecting him to not return my email or anything. He called. He was leaving for Bootcamp. He said he wanted to see me, but since I know him and that most everything he says is a lie, I doubted him. He got mad and hung up on me and that's the last I heard from him. We hated each other most of the time but we had awesome and amazing sex. That might have been why I stayed with him. I'll admit it.
Reason we broke up and who did the breaking - Pick a time. Sometimes it was him, sometimes it was mutual. The last time and the time that stuck, it was me. I got tired of being emotionally shoved to the floor. I got up, dusted myself off and got rid of him
Friendship status - He was at bootcamp the last time I knew. He has yet to return an email.

6.The Statie
- dated him for just over a year
- went to the state college across the street from my private college
- finally stopped calling me
He was my most recent boyfriend. I fell pretty hard for this one and I don't know why. He was dumb. I took a year of boyfriend detox from him and now I'm much better and much more awesome. He rode in on the coattails of my breakup with Bootcamp Boyfriend. Some of my friends from my school used to go to the state college and introduced me to him. We all would live at the bar my senior year, so that's where I met him. He was always at mug night. We had some playful flirting to start. One night I was down there and I was only going to stay for a beer or two. I didn't have money and I was cranky as shit and I just didn't like people. He saw me as I was leaving and asked me where I was going. I told him I was broke and going home. He offered to buy me a beer. And then another. And another. At about 2 AM, we were going back to his dorm to drink more beer. I ended up spending the night at his place...in his bed. He was in his roommate's bed. I remember calling Reaper on my walk of not shame back to my side of the street. Not long after that we started dating. We had a lot of fun and things were good. There was this girl that worked at the bar that we called (and I'm not proud of this name, but I didn't come up with it) Shovelface. She really liked The Statie. She liked him so much that since State and U had different spring breaks, she told him that they should hang out...when I was on break. I was pretty pissed. He did end up coming back from his spring break early just to hang out with me. My friends liked him, I liked him and all was good. We thought we would have some fling until the end of the year, but it turned out not to be that way. We dated all summer long and I was in love with him. We were in love. But I graduated and was looking for bigger and better things to do with my life and he...didn't finish his degree. He's 2-4 credits short. He's still not done. Although it was cute for everyone to drink a lot in college, the further removed we got from it, the less socially acceptable it became. My family liked him, but he was a drunk. So things started falling apart. He came to visit one weekend and all we fucking did was fight. He picked a fight with me over Trivial Pursuit 90's edition. I can't make that up. We broke up not long after that. He started dating another girl that I call Trainwreck. She was a real upgrade from me: worked in the fish department at Pricechopper, had a baby, the baby daddy was nailing a 16 year old, she just barely had a high school education, etc. I was feeling pretty wounded and saw no reason for him to want to be with her and not be with me. I got over that though. Then The Statie and Trainwreck broke up because she was cheating on him...SURPRISE! That's when the phone calls and texts started. He would call me at all hours of the night, begging me to come back to him and answer his phone calls and send me these emo text messages about how he couldn't live without me and he needed me and so on. I had no patience for that. One night, he called me like, 12 times, no joke. I answered the phone on the 13th time and just yelled at him. Not my proudest moment, but I couldn't take the 4 AM calls anymore. He's since stopped calling which is good, cause I just don't care.
Reason we broke up and who did the breaking - He did the first time. Then he kept on crawling back and I didn't want him
Friendship status - Not on your life.

Wow. Looking at all of this...wow. I'm a fucking magical person. Each and every one of those dumbass boys helped me get here. They helped me to believe in myself and my general awesomeness. I might hate some of them, but I can't help but thank them a little bit

Music makes you lose control

I was thinking today as I danced around my room getting dressed. I know, I was dancing and thinking...AT THE SAME TIME. That's not the point. I was listening to my old ipod, the one that has old playlists and old music from my computer that I used in college. I had made a mix called "strange love kind of feeling" and so it had all sorts of songs relating to love. Many were from Dave Matthews Band...I was that kind of college student. What struck me though is the songs that I put on there that reminded me of ex-boyfriends and ex-crushes. When those songs came on, all I could think of was that person. So here's the rundown of things that were ruined by exs that I've mostly reclaimed as my own. For some songs, I have no idea why they remind me of the ex. For others - the reasons make more sense.

- Dickhole Pete - ruined "Parade of Punk Rock T-shirts" by Maritime. I was listening to that before I met him for dinner. It's a great song to run to, so I've been listening to it when I work out and thinking of how much of a dickhole he was makes me run faster and harder. Or something.
- Reaper - "Stellar" by Incubus. Since I really don't hate Reaper in any sense of the word, it was easy to bring this one back to me. Actually, almost all of the "Make Yourself" album by Incubus reminds me of Reaper. My copy of that CD got stuck in the CD player in his car and he bought me a new one cause he felt so bad. We went to see Incubus once and it was awesome.
- Bootcamp Boyfriend – I associate him most frequently with Incubus. I think that was the first thing that we realized that we had in common. He burned me a copy of “Crow Left of the Murder” and I had a hard time listening to it for a while because it reminded me of him and also because his writing is on the CD. He also ruined the Lostprophets for a while too. The only song he still might have a hold on is “Last Summer”. I don’t think it’s as bad as it used to be since I don’t talk to him anymore. We used to share a lot of music though.
- The Statie – he didn’t get music. Really and seriously. He liked Jack Johnson, but that is so chill that no one can really change it. He also went with me to see Incubus (twice) but the first time was the time that mattered. It was our one year anniversary and he was being really sweet. Or he was until we met up with some friends of mine (they’re in a band) and The Statie got drunk and was telling them stories of other girls he slept with. That did not amuse me. I was pretty pissed, actually. Since I’m now totally and officially done with him, taking this music back was no problem. I really don’t think of him or talk to him anymore, so nothing much reminds me of him.
- The Engineer – “Lovers in a Dangerous Time” by the Barenaked Ladies. Also “Martha My Dear” by The Beatles. I don’t hear those songs as often as the other ones, but it still brings back memories of me almost being a dirty skank. Good thing I wasn’t.

I feel like there should be more boys on that list, but I guess there really isn’t. That’s okay though. I want a guy that gets music, but at the same time, I don’t because then they take that music away from me. It’s hard when you hear a song and it brings you back to that moment and you think of that guy and your feelings and the smells and the summer breeze or whatever and realize that he was an asshole, you never actually got along with him and that part of your life you can never get back. You know, just as an example.

-

From last night

Last night I went out with one of my good friends, known from now on as Chicago. He's an excellent source of amusement and most importantly, logic. I told him the entire story of Dickhole Pete and he suggested that we go out, drink a little bit and just forget about how he was a dickhole. I agreed.

While we were out, I ran down the list of things that made me not want to kill everything yesterday out of total annoyance:
- "Made of Bricks" by Kate Nash. Excellent CD. She's man angry!
- Chicago and Lilo - love you both
- And this dumb quote that kept running through my head...all day...
"Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop." - Grey's Anatomy

Chicago then brought up the above linked movie clip from "Annie Hall"...just watch, it explains itself. It's totally true. You do this, you get beat up, you fall down, you like people, you hate people...and it's just so exhausting. It takes a lot of energy to be this involved with yourself and someone else. Because I know the end result is what I want. I miss being with someone. And as I said to Chicago last night, I'm lucky that I have enough guy friends to fill all the roles that boyfriends would: I go out with Chicago and Jimbo for movies and drinks and dinner, I go to Reaper when I need someone to just love me just because, and I have a gay boyfriend that I go to when I need a little gay. I want to have all those things in one person. I want to be able to look to one person for all of that stuff and not have to make 45,000 phone calls.

The other thing I realized is that in the past, when a major relationship ended, I always did something to change myself. When Reaper and I broke up, I dyed my hair red, like if I was a redhead, shit wouldn't hurt anymore. When Bootcamp boyfriend and I broke up, I dyed my hair red again. The 2nd, 3rd and 4th times we broke up, I kept on cutting my hair. When the Statie and I broke up, I chopped my hair and got it highlighted and got a new car and a new job and more or less changed everything in my life. I don't think that Statie was the one that undid me, but it was the change from College to Real World and I needed that to happen.

And at the end of this rambling post, I get to the main point...I keep on doing this because I think a part of likes the pain. A part of me likes having someone be so interested in me that it consumes my day. I like being a flirty sort of person because that's not how I normally am. I like knowing that someone, somewhere is thinking of me and thinking that I'm as amazing as I make myself out to be. And sooner or later, I'm going to have to stop hitting myself because someone is going to get in the way of my hand and the hammer.