I can't make these people up

Match.com seems to think that this guy and I would mesh together really well. Match.com says "Meet nicksomething or other. Like you, he likes dogs. Like you, he's the oldest child. Like you, he enjoys a good sports game"

This is his about me section. I have not edited it in any way. FUCKING MAGIC

"im a nice sweet 22 year old guy who loves his family and his dog love the out doors camping fishing bike rides and love going for drives im looking for some one average but hot at the same time im not looking for a barbie doll cause i just dont think thats hot i would love to find some one who is looking for a long term relationship that like to go out and have fun but at the same time likes to stay home and watch a movie just as much some one who likes sex but knows its not the hole relation ship but still wants it as much as i do likes to be on a back of a bike and go for long bike rides likes to camp and not afraid to get dirty and understands that im a gear head also likes to hang out with her friends by her self cause guys need guy time as much as girls need girl time most of all i guess im just old school im looking for a soul mate someone to be with sexuly and be a best friend at the same time i guess you can say im just looking for love "

Not only is just about everything spelled wrong, there's no punctuation, and you know, one giant run-on sentence...BUT FUCKING ICK DUDE.

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaack

Achilles and I have broken up but we're still cool friends. Honestly. So I went back to Match.com because I am a glutton for punishment. There are a couple of nice guys...but these next 3 are teh winners. SERIOUSLY. Also, aside from my editorials, I have not edited these messages or IMs in any way.

Bachelor #1... he sends me a message on match...
Hey you Im Mike.... How are you ???I want to write to you to tell you more about me and what im looking for! Im 29 years old and Im from New Milford CT. I love to smile and I love to laugh!!! and of couse I would always let you win!!!! Its all about having a good time!!!! I work in the dental feild and went to school for business. But for the last few months I wanted to go back to school to become a high school teacher. I bought a condo almost two and half years ago...boy time flys.... I have been just fixing up the way I wanted to be I take pride in everything I do ! I love to go shopping always dress nice but I always love when a girl picks out my outfits the reason behind that is girl knows what looks best on guy right? I am the type that loves to give! I am always spoiling the one care about ..Some are bigger then others but I will always make you feel like a princess!!!Sometime it could be a simple as a home made card or as big as diamonds of course has to be set in white gold
Im about 5'11 brown hair baby blue eyes and I was a football player in High school I love sports and going to baseball games. Im a very ROMANTIC guy but most of the time it just get me hurt in the long run! I love the long walks of the beach and late night phone call just tell the other person how much they mean to you Im a kinda guy that share his feeling and you will know at anytime how im feeling.
I have everything going for my self a great family( i love my family) and friends a great place to live for now im just missing that person to love each and every day Im looking for a relationship something long tream Im tired of the games and dead end relationship I put my heart in to my relationship so i could get hurt easy. I am very romantic guy! And yes I have do have Morals!! Well I hope this gave you little more about myself and I hope you'll right back soon! Please tell me more about your self and what your looking for and I hope we will be in touch! I never do this but if you want and really get to know each other you can text me or call me I am a very easy person to talk to 203-460-1993 My aim is wtfimdumb Hope your having a great week!!!

Mike

What the hell? Did you just give me your phone number? Yes you did. And now I'm going to post it on the internet. Lilo suggested that maybe he's actually a toothbrush since he's in the dental "feild". I don't understand his long ramblings, but I can tell you now...I did not return his message. You are a creeper.

Now let's meet...
Bachelor #2
First of all, the title of his message is "one date guarantee!"
Hi,
One date guarantee: After one date if you are not totally satisfied with me as a perspective partner, you can return me to the pool of Match.com guys AT NO CHARGE!! :-) No annoying phone calls to make, no forms to fill out, no texts to make!

I hope my opening made you laugh, sometimes its hard to get noticed on Match, I am sure you get more emails than you can handle in a day. After reading your profile, it looks like you are looking for someone a little younger than me, but I am just finding most people in their early 30's or already working on their second marriage or are already married to their careers. Since I haven't been meeting the right people I decided to try someone a little younger than me. Most of my friends are no help, they seem to be rarely around due to being on the "couples circuit", LOL!! I am just looking for someone to hang out with, go to dinner with or explore the city with.

Sorry to ramble, I have to cut this short, I need to figure out how to install the Direct TV I just bought, I think I need to run to Best Buy this afternoon....

Doug

WHO ARE YOU? Do you think you're funny? He's like the used car salesman of Match.com. You are not amusing to me. None of the things that you have said are acceptable. Don't try to flatter me with "I'm sure you get more emails than you can handle in one day". I'm on to you. I do not like you. FAIL.

And finally..
Bachelor #3
His first messages to me were awesome. They had me laughing, we share a huge love for Incubus and I thought that he was just awesome. WRONG. I am so wrong. He's just...what the hell dude?

fenderheavy: so what mens fashion do you like?
me: what?
me: you catch me off guard with weird questions
fenderheavy: what you dont like fashion?
me: i don't know if i have an opinion about fashion, actually
me: i like it when guys can dress themselves and dress well
fenderheavy: Haha... I used to work with a woman named wilma... she is 46 and looks like she is 20... we would flip through GQ and compare what we liked
me: haha
fenderheavy: she worked in the city for a small fashion designer... back in the day... she is a rockstar
me:that's pretty awesome
me: i'm not terribly fancy dressed up girl
me: i'm jeans and flip flops roll with the punches girl
fenderheavy: yeah I dress up for work... But I think that I can look good even in a t-shirt and jeans (At this point, I start to think that maybe he likes himself too much. Just maybe)
me: hmmm...
me:it's even lovelier when a guy smells good
fenderheavy: and I start wearing sandals at the end of march
fenderheavy: yes!!!
me: if i could wear flipflops all the time, i so would
fenderheavy: aqua di gio by armani
me:hmm..i'm trying to think if i know what that smells like
fenderheavy: I have cologne on me at all times
me: it's fab when guys smell good
fenderheavy: Watches sunglasses and cologne are my 3 weaknesses
me:haha
fenderheavy: well that and pretty girls
me: those seem like ok weaknesses (No, they are all pretty gay up until the liking girls part. This is when I knew that he was not the guy that I would keep on talking to)
fenderheavy: they are not really weaknesses... just guilty pleasures... do you have any?

That was a few days ago...and then we have today. I had no plans to talk to him, but he IM'd me and I was bored and I kind of had to talk to him.

fenderheavy: OK so are you one of the "Crazies"
me: the what's now?
fenderheavy: a girl who is COMPLETELY out of her mind
me: are you honestly asking me this?
fenderheavy: more like faciously
fenderheavy: but kind of serious.... because so far I have only dated crazies
me: i would go for a solid "no" on that one
me: i can be wacky but i'm not crazy
fenderheavy: ok maybe Ill switch things up and go with wacky
fenderheavy: it sounds fun
me: uhh...?
fenderheavy: so what qualifies as "wacky"
me: i don't know, i'm just silly and i do silly things
me: i say things that possibly make to sense to make people laugh
me: *possibly make no sense
fenderheavy: ok see now we are making progress!!! Actually... That did make no sense... and made me laugh
me: i didn't know that there was progress to be made
fenderheavy: oh yeah
fenderheavy: lots of progress
fenderheavy: If you are ever going to get me in the sack you are going to have to try much harder (FAIL)
me: you're assuming i'm going to sleep with you?
me: really?
me: dude, wtf?
fenderheavy: its a joke
me: even in a joking way - FAIL (Told him)
me: you are strange
fenderheavy: I did not mean to offend you....
me: it's okay
me: just..weird dude
fenderheavy: calm down... It was not meant to be some thing you should freak out avout
me: i'm calm. i'm just saying. weird
me: anyway, moving right along
me: or not
fenderheavy: your still talking to me?
me: do you want me to not talk to you?
fenderheavy: no you just seemed offended
me: a little. i'm over it
fenderheavy: I think that my humor seems more perverted over the internet... and the fact that you dont know me
me: those could be true, yes
fenderheavy: hey it was real fun talking and all but im going get going (This is where he decided that maybe I AM a crazy after all and that he should never talk to me again. I would be fine with that)
me: ok
me: bye

Let me just add that if he's stupid enough to talk to me again, I'm turning that crazy amp up to 11. Idiot.


I wanted to let this blog die, but it's pretty clear that I can't. So I'll be back from time to time. Otherwise, find me here.

WTF, seriously

I'm now kind of off the market (sort of). You all know what I mean. But since that point...I've been getting winks and messages and all sorts of things on match. Like, way more than I had since I met Achilles. WTF? Did all these guys realize that I'm amazing all of the sudden? And yes, I should probably take my profile down or disable it or whatever, but what gives? Only one of the guys seems a bit more intersting than Achilles, the rest are all just...lame-os. I've noticed the kind of guys that I attract are kind of bigger guys, maybe that are secret dorks. Seriously, every guy that's winked at me in the past 2 weeks has been that kind of person. Am I giving off some sort of signal THROUGH THE COMPUTER that says that I'm the hot ticket and someone should talk to me?

Oh boys...

Last night I had a sleep over with Achilles. It was great fun. We went out to some super tasty Japanese place for dinner (where he mocked me for not being able to use chopsticks and then MADE me eat sushi) and back to his place. We watched The Dark Knight so I could drool over Christian Bale. He's so hot.

Achilles was all dressed up for his company's Christmas party - he was in a suit. He looked...really good. I felt like I was totally underdressed (not for the place that we were eating, but being with him) but he kept on telling me how great I looked and how nice my sweater was and how lovely I was. He's great like that. This morning as I was stretching and rolling around in his bed because I'm a jerk, he told me how much he liked my body. I freaked. I mean, how could I not? I don't expect him or ANYONE to say that. But there I was, all deer in headlights about it. He knows that I don't have any idea how to handle him being so sweet to me. He knows that these compliments blow my mind. And they seriously do. But he's so consistant with his feelings towards me (he really likes me. He told me so!) that I am starting to believe them. Yesterday he was telling me that he liked me because he could relax around me. He liked that I put him at ease. I don't know what it is that I do that makes him feel that way - but I don't really care. I like that he feels that way about being around me. When I'm with him, I feel like I can be off. Somedays, being funny and making everyone laugh and saying clever things is just...it's really tiring. But I do it because that's what is expected of me. When I'm with him, I know that I don't have to have the quickest answer. I know I don't have to try to make him laugh - mostly because I just do it without thinking. It's a very comfortable...whatever it is that we have. I like dating him because I don't have to try to impress him or make myself out to be something that I'm not. He thinks that it's cute that I suck at being really super girly but yet love bags and shoes. He says things to me just to make me smile. Being around him, feeling good - it's effortless. That's scary and awesome all at once. I mean, I can feel how I could really lose my shit over this guy. But unlike past relationships, I feel like I'm in control. I feel like I can hold myself together and not say how much I care until it's right. If we even get to that point, which I seriously hope that we will.

When we got back to his house last night, he took off his suit and I was lying on his bed and he crawled in next to me and pulled me close to him and we just...laid there. For a while. We didn't say anything, we didn't do anything - we just were there. He then sighed and kissed my head and told me that he had a really bad week, but me snuggling up next to him made it all so much better. He wanted to be snuggled, he wanted to have me near him. And just the fact that that simple fucking thing would make things better really shocked me. And made me feel great. He's being honest with me when he says things like that. I know it. I'm turning into gross relationship girl. I really love being around him. I like that me makes me laugh and makes me smile and tells me that I'm pretty and lovely and wonderful and fabulous and so many other things. I like that I don't have to explain things to him. I like that he gets me. I like that he's a little left of center. I like that he willingly tells me everything he likes about me...

me: {on being smacked and sent to bed} i think you can make it
besides, even if i'm not nice now, i'm always terribly sweet to make up for it
Achilles: this is true
me: i know
it's cause i like you
Achilles: i still wonder why, but ok
me: see, i could tell you why
i'm not an information withholder
Achilles: oh i CAN tell you
but i choose not to
gotta keep you workin for it
me: i shouldn't have to work for it, you should just tell me
Achilles:: lol
me: but i suppose that takes all the fun out of it for you
Achilles: i will give you a couple
1. you laugh at my jokes
2. you never shy away from me saying clowntits
3. you have a nice rack
me: good to know that's in the top 5
i guess that's super important? lol
Achilles: oh very
me: you're only giving me 3?
Achilles: for the moment
ok, 1 more
4. youre sweet in spite of yourself
me: i think you should give me 5
because that's a logical number
Achilles: 5. your pocket tastes like tangerines
me: that's just an out and out lie
Achilles: ok ok
5. youre an awesome snuggler

He tells me that I'm so sweet and nice and wonderful to him and I'm not doing anything. Seriously. I'm just..there. It's blowing my mind. I know this isn't my usual snarky self (don't worry, it's coming soon) but god. So cute. I can't take it.

the times - they are changing

So, big news – I met a guy from Match and he’s not totally a freak. I haven’t come up with a name yet for him. I’ve been telling Darcy that he’s pretty Fab. Not FABULOUS, but just fab. Cause he is. I’ve just enlisted Summer to help me come up with a name for him. I really have no idea what to call him. We went and had pie yesterday. We sat in the diner for 2 hours, laughing and having a really great time. And then he showed me his knob…IN HIS CAR. Perverts. I didn’t see that knob. Then we were joking about him showing me his knob on the first date and so on. I’ve never had so much fun doing relatively nothing with a guy I just met. We’re getting dinner one night this week, so that’s excellent. I enjoy his company and I enjoy him. So…good.

In other totally unrelated news – I just got a new job! That should have nothing to do with the dating scene but it does. My job now makes me all sorts of miserable. My new job will make me less miserable (at least that’s what SHOULD happen) and that will change the way I see things. I was telling the pie guy about it. It’s just such a shock because I’ve been thinking about getting a new job and going on interviews and getting nowhere and being so crestfallen about the entire thing and all of the sudden things changed. I was talking to the pie guy on Thursday night (after my interview) and I told him that I didn’t think that I would be getting this job and that I would likely be staying at this miserable place for a while. And low and behold – new job. New guy.

I am having the best week ever.

No joke.

There’s really not much that could make this week better.

Oh wait, yes there is. I’ve lost damn near 25 pounds. This weekend was the first time that anyone in my extended family had seen me in a while and everyone kept on telling me how great I looked. No one has really been saying that. I mean, I know I’ve been losing weight, none of my clothes fit and so on. But that’s the first time that anyone actually acknowledged that I’m a little bit thinner. I’m going to keep on going and keep on losing weight because I can. Because I’m having the best week ever. I’m losing weight and getting a new job and finding new exciting people. So nothing in that chain of awesomeness better break. I would be a little sad. But I’ll dust myself off, pick myself back up and keep on going. As Meatloaf said – 2 out of 3 ain’t bad.

Now it’s time to get back to a job that I only have 9 more days of! 9 more! I gave my two weeks this morning. It’s really hard to make myself work. But I have to do it. C’mon self, do your work

Yay, something to post

This is the message I just got on match:

Can you tell me your name? My name is Joe.

You have a good day and take care,
Joe

And yes, I could tell you my name. But no, I'm not. He's a little older than any guy I would be willing to date (try 39) and his entire profile reads like Yoda wrote it. His tagline (or whatever you want to call it) says "A Person Who is Really Special Very Much is Who I Seek". What? His info? Be prepared for this, cause I'm reading it out loud and I can't wrap my brain around it. I don't know if it's supposed to be a poem, but I know some poets and I think that they would agree this is pretty much...nonsense.

You Deserve a Poem


You wonder who I am, quiet, reserved and secretive, others notice emotions, felt, wonder how to draw me out. Stubborn and tough, fight position, enjoy life at cutting edge, life experienced intensely and totally. Courageous and taking calculated risks, sensitive, curious and concerned with deeper mysteries of human psychology, subject, pursue with total fanaticism. Patient, prolong and savor enjoyable times. Warm. Results from any situation, abstractions difficult to comprehend, mold, and shape things. Careful thinker, present ideas visually, concretely, useful for attention, cautious, conservative in thought, slow to opinions, appeal to logic, and reason. Affectionate and hates to be tied down. Aggressor, initiate relationships and set sights on someone. Action motivated by morals and ideals. Work to improve on world, demand action and don't like to sit and talk. Like action. Resist attempts to limit freedom, assist anyone who feels put down and restricted. Expansive, ease doing something practical, enjoy duty, and carry responsibilities. Gladly take tasks others avoid. Choice makes me ill at ease. Must have firm, ordered and secure foundation in life to feel comfortable. I have free, unstable, unconventional approach to relationships, and emotional commitments. Experiments in marriage, shared lifestyles and freedom important than entangle emotional bonds. Attracted to bizarre, interested in deep, mystery, explore, idealize benefits can accrue from study of occult, and healing. Finished horror book; art, poetry, NYC, Port Chester and CT. Take notes, five fictions and romance novel. Movies: Lamora, Portrait of Jenny, Citizen Kane, etc. I choose dull colors over bright. Artists: Robert Williams, Winston Smith, Norman Rockwell, etc. Magazine: Juxtapoz. Publishing companies: Last Gasp and Feral House. Design: Victorian, Art Deco, etc. (How a lady should be treated.) Not tell you what to do, secret and adventurous frontiers. Won't conquer you and initiatives come from you. Ask me and I’ll do it immediately. Challenge you. Converse in trees, flowers and ecology in romantic restaurant, you'll not find me try to break your habits. Various questions in conversation, talk to you of tomorrow what I'll participate in (with you.) Speak of books. People watch, lessons in dance, language and travel. Walk and arrange shared activities. Can be in beginning, gossip, change topics doesn't bother me. Play games never offends me. Help execute your plans. Mention to you different ways you're beautiful, nice and good. Take you to movie/theater and be your audience. I will not put you down. Mention to you if I’ll get advice, opinion and humor in what I say and in action. You'll feel peace. You'll be appreciated of your job. I forbid anyone to push you into a decision; we’ll weigh pros and cons. You'll be asked if you have artistic and aesthetic desires. You'll hear a favor from you to mention how I dress, your opinion of interior design. You'll have my point-of-view if you need it; you'll balance in peace and harmony. Prepared, your deepest emotions, jealousy, won't delve into your past if you prefer. Show you what I decide, go for with a smile. Light candles. Bring up something unheard. Mysterious places. Can you/would you admit if you like to be teased? Perform unusually, witty, and unpredictable, you don't want to be shocked, I understand. Hike, venture in another town. I'll know your philosophy. A lady who is secured, notice me being experimental. A woman will be encouraged to make dreams a reality. A person is given strength. A noblewoman receives poems. You'll be touched as your palm is read. A female finds out of a dreamy moment, a gentle woman with someone who acknowledges however to treat a female person with respect, from a man who is real. You're a lady, how you should be treated, and one day at a time. Can't forget a relationship is destiny because if anything else replacing destiny only ruin the relationship.


I am so confused. Seriously and totally so confused.

Lack of updating - I'm so lame

Really, I haven't trying lately. That's the real reason that I haven't been searching for boys. I was in Vermont last weekend and this weekend I'm going to MA with Darcy.

I've sent winks to a couple of guys on Match and I've gotten a message or two, but nothing exciting. I'm talking to a guy now and he seems pretty nice. There's just one thing that kind of bothers me and I'm not sure if it's just me being shallow or what. He's only 5'7". I'm 5'10". It comes down to how much the difference in height actually bothers me. I dated a guy that was really short (he was 5'4"). So maybe I won't notice the 3 inches if I really like him. As Darcy would say, I can make a deal breaking issue of anything. I was willing to overlook The Statie's drinking because I liked him. I'm going to keep on talking to him and see what happens. Like I said, so far, so good. We realized that we like one of the same and weirdest movies. We both love "Empire Records". I think he's the only person I've ever talked to that actually likes that movie as much as I do.

Why don't I have any more guy friends either? Once The Brewmaster moved out to Chicago, it's like I have no other males to hang out with. I don't work with that many guys either. I had so many guy friends at school and then I came back home and I had no one. Really the only guy I hang out with is Summer's Husband. Or some of Summer's Husband's friends. And well....we all know what I have to say about them.

HAHAHA, NO

I just got this message on Match: "hi 27 m here, looking for a woman into the beastiality scene here in ct.. interested at all?"


I would go with a solid no on that one.

Then there was another guy that winked at me and he seemed okay. He sent me 3 messages, all titled "hello". The first one asked how I was today. The second one, he commented that I liked the Giants. And in the third one, he wanted to know what I did in my spare time. Is he confused?

Something I want to know

First of all, do you know how I know I'm a winner? I'm sitting on Summer's couch, watching the summer Olympics and looking around on match.com. No wonder the men all want me, I'm clearly not the lamest person ever. But damn, those Serbian water polo players are HOT. Thanks. Love those Serbs.

I think I've blogged about this before. Even if I have, I need to say it again: WTF are some people thinking when they put up their match profile? Seriously. You shouldn't have some sort of weird photo that looks like you're in a mug shot. Don't be up against a white wall, staring blankly into a camera. Not sexy.

But here are some gems that I've seen on profiles tonight:

- One guy who looks like Charles Manson, his tagline is "sick of being lonely" and he talks about his spacious 1 bedroom apartment. That sounds like the sort of place that you would go to get killed.

- There's this guy that looks like a Columbian drug runner and his profile says that he has his own internet start-up company and he has to frequently travel to South America for business. That would be the cocaine trafficking business. When you say something that is so sketchy like that, what do you expect people to think?

- Way more run on sentences that I can even count. It's not like I'm the grammar queen or anything, but at I least have a general idea when I'm rambling. Some people just go on and on about themselves and their dogs and their college experiences (or lack thereof) without a comma or a period or anything. How? Also, not many people have mad spelling skillz. Again I say, I'm a horrible speller. But I spell check things so that I don't look like a totally DUMBASS. Take this gent for example, he wrote me a really wonderful message. His profile says "i am down to earth hope you are to. I'm looking for someone to build a friendship and see wear it goes from there, no games please, caring, honest, funny, loves pets , spontaneous, doesn't get sea sick loves to spend time on the water yes i have a boat. likes to travel. iv been to NY, NJ, mass, Maine, dc, Maryland, VA, fl, TX, pa, Mexico grand camen, Jamaica, st.tomas, st.marten, Aruba, Canada, Hungary, Romania i really wanna try skydiving Evin if its in one of those in side. you made it this far give me shot you wont be disappointed." Too bad dude, I'm already disappointed.

- There's a man looking for a snow bunny. That's so not me.

- The idea of this whole thing is to make yourself seem somewhat appealing, not like someone that is going to try to lure children to your van with candy and puppies.

- I did a reverse search to see who was looking for me and it was all men that are in their mid to late 30's. What's that about? I'm not saying that age is anything more than a number, but it matters to a certian extent. Seriously, can someone under the age of 30 check out my profile? Please? Kthanx.

- Also lame? People quoting other things in their profile, like famous quotes, for no good reason. That's no way to start anything. You can't even start a paragraph with a thought from your own head?


More unrelated thoughts having to do with men:
- I'm taller than almost all the men that are diving on TV right now. When did I become some sort of strange Amazon woman? Also, all of those divers are so skinny. So gross. I'm pretty sure they are about the width of my thigh. Maybe someone should make them eat?
- Cheesy Diddy Fries is supposed to be at this party at my aunt's house tomorrow. My aunt seems to think that we wouldn't mesh well together. I am interested to find out if she's right. I would guess that she is. But still. Another cute boy shall be there and that will amuse me.
- There's a bartender that works down at the club that my dad belongs to and I kind of adore him. And so do my aunts. He's really cute and adorable and funny. Whenever I go down there, he's Flirty McFlirtsalot. I don't know if that's cause he likes me or if I'm the only person there under the age of 30. I suppose it could be either/or. I will have to find out next time I'm down there. I'm not saying that I'm not trying when I'm wearing my bra that makes my boobs look good. Oh, I will figure you out, Club Bartender.

Haha!

After a long break, I'm back trying on Match.com again. Today I got this message from "koolsteve"
am a good guy with a good head on my shoulders. I'm an artist and a creative person. I'm a big guy so if that bothers you I'm probably not the guy for you...but I'm active and go to the gym now so I'm only getting better from here and a former athlete. I work as a graphic designer, and make art in my free time. I hope to pursue a Masters degree. I'm very serious about art and making a good future for myself and making myself better in every way of my life. I have a twin brother who is my best friend. No we don't read each others minds. We're identical but you can tell us apart easily he has longer hair and a beard, we're both artists. I love music and film. I mostly listen to alternative and hard rock music but can pick something I like from every genre. I like to watch sports. I'm a big WWE Fan and I like football. I can get into any sport that's a good match.

As far as what I'm looking for...I just want a nice girl to love me for me. I'm really not picky on appearance, I'm an artist I can find beauty in anything. I want someone I can grow with and have something meaningful. loyalty and trust are very important to me. Someone loving, caring and affectionate is someone i can mesh with very well. I'm an affectionate guy and want a girl that can make me feel loved...I'm a pretty open minded guy. I'm not really a party person anymore. I'm trying to settle down my life. I want someone I can travel with to go on a cruise with and explore the world with. I think relationships are about experiencing things and sharing. I want someone constant someone who will always be there for me. Someone who wants to see me all the time because of who I am not what I can offer or what I look like. I'm def ready to stop dating and be in a long lasting relationship.

Before you ask, I didn't edit that at all. He just sent me that form letter with no other way of introduction. No "wow, you seem interesting" or "man, I would love to get to know you". Nope, he just jumps right in and tells me ALL ABOUT HIM. Also, how many times could he tell me that he was an artist? I get it buddy, you like art. I also like art, but not artists. I went to an art school and I know art stars. Please don't be one. And for someone that is so into art, you would think that he would have some sort of picture up in his profile. But no, he doesn't. Furthermore, how many people do you know that honestly think that twins can read each others minds? When someone says "I have a twin", I would say "wow, that's pretty neat" and move on. I would not ask about their ESP skillz. This guy wants to make sure that I know that his brother has a beard and long hair and NOT ESP. Awesome. Maybe he has ESPN?

F- for you, KoolSteve. I'm moving on.

Is that so?

I was talking to some guy on the Match.com instant message thing on Friday night. I asked him what he did and he told me that he was really good with his hands. He also told me that he tells every he's sexy all the time.

2 strikes and you're out, buddy.

As I told him that I needed to go, he asked if he could talk to me again. No, not really.

Why is everyone so fucking weird?

Jeez

Dear Egg-shaped head man from Match,
I may have sent you a nice message once you sent me one, but upon further thought, I decided I didn't like you. Please don't send me more messages asking me why. I agree my first move might not have been that well thought out, but I bet you I was intoxicated and I do silly things then. The reason I don't like you is your weird, egg-shaped head.

XO
Carrie

Another guy from Match....

Mike: sooo have u meet anyone from match
Me: just one guy. i call him "dickhole pete"
Mike: lol .3
Mike: why
Me: cause he was a total dickhole mostly. he was the most confusing person ever. he seriously annoyed me
Me: not at the beginning, but at the end
Mike: awww
Mike: im sorry
Me: whatever, i'm totally awesome...and he's a dickhole
Me: so it worked out
Mike: yaaa
Mike: sooo when is ur bday
Me: it's in september
**1 minute, 45 seconds later**
Mike: yaa how long have u been single


I can't make this shit up. He's totally weird. I think it's time to play the "wow, I am so tired and better go to bed now" card. He doesn't believe in punctuation, I guess?

Ah...

So I joined Match.com. So far, so good. I've been talking to this one guy...and it's scary, but he's like me, in another body. It's actually kind of creepy and weird and awesome all at once. I'm not saying much about him because I don't want to jinx myself. His brother actually works at the same place that I do, which is also interesting. He looks a lot like his brother. But cuter. Hurray! I asked him last night what he did, as an innocent question like I asked one of my other male friends and he's like, "why do you want to know?" but I think he was joking. I think. I don't know.

One guy from Match.com keeps on sending me his phone number. Call me crazy, but I am not just going to call someone I've never talked to, OUT OF THE BLUE and just strike up a conversation. Email me your number one more time, buddy, and I'm going to be writing it on bathroom stall walls. Then you will regret it. I mean, it's just a phone number, but I don't go throwing it around for anyone to have. I don't like getting weird ass phone calls in the middle of the night.

There have been some other guys that have sent me messages, none really of note. One guy winked at me yesterday and he was 30, still living at home and he works at Circuit City. I know I shouldn't judge anyone because I still live at home and I used to work in retail, but still. I think I have a right to be picky and NOT talk to this guy. Something about him struck me as really creepy.

Last night, I had a panicky dream that everyone decided to stop being friends with me. I'm totally making myself insane today. And now, I'm like, convinced this guy doesn't really think I'm all that interesting anymore when THAT'S NOT THE CASE AT ALL. My brain is making me totally crazy and there's no reason for it. The thing is, I know that I'm being stupid, but I'm helpless to stop it. I'm just going to start ignoring things and really hope that they go away and then I don't have to have an all day anxiety attack. I bet I will feel better tomorrow, after I go to sleep. Sleep always helps me. I don't know why I care so much if someone doesn't like me, because if they don't, I just move on and don't have them in my life. But every time, regardless of the situation, I have a major life meltdown and get concerned I will walk away with one less friend. I am totally batshit insane.

P.S. "Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley just came on Pandora. It's like Pandora is trying to tell me something....