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I got some message today from a man that Darcy and I have dubbed Cueball (or Q-ball): "Hey! How's it going? My name is Lenny, what is your name? I live in Meriden. I was reading your profile, I like what I am reading about you, and I think you are beautiful too. =) I would like to get to know you better. Are you looking to date, or for something serious? Well, If you want to know more about me? Write me back. I hope to hear back from you. Lenny"

Now, I think the part that bothers me the most is that he called me beautiful. I know that I can't take compliments, but this guy doesn't know me. I know me and of all the words I would use to describe myself, beautiful is not one. If he had said that I was pretty or cute, I would buy it. But beautiful? C'mon now dude. Also, he wrote "Well, If you want to know more about me?" and it's not a question. I mean, I guess it is in some ways, like if I wanted to know more about him. Which I don't. Because he's sketchy.

Also, in all his profile pictures, he is NOT SMILING. What is with all these people being unable to smile? Is that so much to ask? I didn't think it was, but I guess it is. I don't like people that are unable to smile. A smile says so much...and makes me think you don't kill puppies for fun.

And one more thing...

This idea just struck me. Darcy and I both agree that everyone has a tragic flaw. Here's the run-down of what we know so far about the guys I've talked to:
Brad aka Footweiner McLovin - weird sex freak pervert man. Secretly a 15 year old trapped in a 31 year old's body.
Craig aka The Hipster - actually not hip at all. In fact, he may be so hip he's a circle. Also, he seems to think that I am going to sleep with him. I didn't give him that idea, I swear. He called me a prude and I told him that I just didn't like him. Didn't seem to work. Damn.
Weird wrestling man - still tries to get me to talk to him. Likes the ladiez with strong legs. Is creepy.

And we have a few more players in this game...
Ryan - seems interesting, is a little old (34!) but could play the game. I think I might just straight out ask him what his tragic flaw is. He's been writing me thoughtful emails. I am suspicious. He must be up to something.
Guy from White Plains (I haven't given him a name yet) - he's too funny and witty. Must be gay. Or not actually a real person. I don't know.
Guy in the red suit - he just messaged me on the site. He's wearing a red plaid suit. He's got a picture of him with a big fish. He can't dress himself and he wants you to think he's a manly man. He's out.

I don't really know the names of Darcy's men, but I can tell you that one wanted her to send him more pictures, to which she politely said "no thanks".

I've posted a lot today, but since I had a snow day from work...it's not like I had anything else to do. Feel special. Maybe this weekend will give me a bunch more material!

FYI guys

This isn't happening to just me....

Update on Footweiner Mclovin

Lilo said that Brad should be called McLovin. So Mclovin he is. And he has a footweiner. So...there you go. Last night, we were talking and he wanted to break up with me. We're not even dating and he was trying to break up with me. I was in a state of shock. I wanted to say "you're breaking up with me?!" but I worried that when I said that, he would think that I thought that we were actually dating. Fun fact: we aren't! So he's telling me that we are on 2 different pages and want 2 different things. I want a guy that isn't a weirdo creep ass....and he wants someone to send pornographic pictures to. I can see the difference there. But I wanted to hear his actual reason. He doesn't really have one. He just couldn't handle the fact that I have that picture of him...or something. I think I convinced him to continue not dating me. He said that even when we broke up, we could still be friends and talk. So really...no change in status. I stayed with him for the sake of the blog. He's too good to not talk about. Man, this is an excellent life I am living. You should all feel so special that I would still talk to Footweiner just so everyone can be amused. I almost feel sort of bad about it, but then I laugh. And I don't feel bad at all

Did I also mention that as I write, he's currently about 4 houses down the street from me. He doesn't know where I am, but I know where he is. I think that's for the best, really.

The story of Brad

The other day, I wrote about this guy Brad. He’s very nice and charming in person. Kind of cute in a weird way. He's 31, so I hoped he would be more mature about a lot of things. And then he gets on the internets and the devil takes over, I swear. We’ve been talking a lot, not about anything special. But for a while, I was like “heyyyyyyyyyyy okay then Brad.” That all changed in one magical moment. Brad and I were talking the other night about when was the last time we got lucky. I don’t know WHY we were talking about this, but we were. That might have been my first mistake. Then I got a picture message on my phone. I thought nothing of it, people send me picture messages of all sorts of weird things all the time. I opened it. I’ll allow you a moment to guess what the picture was of. I was hysterical in laughter. WHYYYYYYYY would someone send me a picture like that? I guess he wanted me to see what was up with him. So I’m slightly horrified and trying to get a grip on my life and all I can think is “that’s his weiner”. That’s right. He is soooooo in love with himself that he would do that. And I’m sure he had to try a couple of times to get it just right. That’s the sort of thing you do when you’re in love with yourself.
So I go to bed and I get up the next morning and it’s like I have a burning dying secret inside of me. I’m like, at the point of having a heart attack with my need to talk to Summer. I send her the picture, she laughs. I show a friend or two at work. They laugh. One of them says it looks like a foot and I can see why. It’s sort of taken at a funny angle. I then forward the picture to two more friends and they can’t stand it either. And every time I tell this story, I think “when did this become my life? When did I start getting this sort of stuff on my phone?” It’s all because of the internets. And guys that are trying to get the ladiez on the internets. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by his actions…he’s from the internet. I just found it really bold. I mean, think of all the things that I can do with this picture. And before you ask how I know that it’s really him…you can see his face. Not really clearly…but it’s his face. And his other parts. Ick.
Last night I went online and he was online. He asked if I got the pictures that he sent me. for a moment, I was speechless. I should have said no, but I know that he knows he has the right cell number. He’s texted me before…and not dirty pictures. Instead I told him I didn’t know we were friends like that. He then stopped talking to me. Guess I made him mad.

Darcy, I know it’s your birthday. I hate to break news like this on your birthday…but it couldn’t wait any longer!

Update: there are few things I need to add....
1. There was no subject line on the picture. I think something like "thinking of you" would have been good. Also "hey, it's my junk" would have worked
2. When he asked me what I thought, I really wanted to say "WHAT WOULD YOUR MOTHER THINK!?" I didn't say that.
3. I had to forward that picture. I HAD TO. How could you not?
4. If he had not shown me this picture, I would have no idea that he is a sex freak. I figured he had some sort of tragic flaw. He's a decent looking guy in his 30's and he's single. I should have known. I guess it's better that I know now. Who knows what kind of situation I could have ended up in if not for this?

More notes!

As of late, I've only gotten one good note. And it's not really good as much as it's just...awkward: "saw your profile and wanted to chat a little....Just a little friendly talk thats all..." Why would you say "friendly talk"? What other kinds of talk are there? Awkward buddy. Just a little awkward.

Then I found some guy that had this written in his profile. I think I am in love: "Hmmm...We would both spend the morning talking to our friends and arranging for them to call during the afternoon, posing as a family emergency so that we could get out if things went terribly awry.We would meet in a public area so that we could assess the situation and confirm that we were both who we said we were and not some ogre with a grade school reading level. That goes both ways, of course. We would probably talk for a while and laugh about the armour we wore under our cleverly adorned and pretentious t-shirts for fear of having our kidneys stolen and put on the organ black market. If the initial encounter was successful, we would migrate to a public but more interesting locale, such as a museum or nice coffee shop so that we could impress each other with our knowledge of useless trivia or our respective caffeine tolerances. Of course we would go Dutch, because I am a modern man who respects your equality and ability to take care of yourself as a modern woman. Also, I am poor. Kind of. Our conversations would be long and snarky, full of obscure references to Calvin and Hobbes or the Far Side.Perhaps we would migrate to a dirty little restaurant (with lots of character and a killer cheesecake) in the East Village, where we would continue our discourse. I would have something with meat in it and have a 16 year old scotch on the rocks after dinner, just because I'm snooty like that. You would order whatever you desired, but hopefully something that I would like, so that I could ask for a bite and exclaim that I should have gotten what you did.Eventually our evening would come to a regretful end. I would offer to walk you home (because I'm a gentleman) and if you said 'Yes', I would actually do so. I would get you to your door and tell you that you looked pretty and that I had a great time and that I hoped to see you again. I'd give you a peck on the cheek and then I'd go home alone because I don't put out on the first date. Unless you really rocked my socks, in which case I would TOTALLY put out. "

God, please marry me man. He also wants to wear a kangaroo as a hat. On his head. All-purpose pouch and all

Darcy found this for me on a profile

"Girls are like apples on trees...The best ones are at the top of the tree. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't so good but EASY. So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree!"

Know what else you do with rotten apples? Make apple cider.