I can't make these people up

Match.com seems to think that this guy and I would mesh together really well. Match.com says "Meet nicksomething or other. Like you, he likes dogs. Like you, he's the oldest child. Like you, he enjoys a good sports game"

This is his about me section. I have not edited it in any way. FUCKING MAGIC

"im a nice sweet 22 year old guy who loves his family and his dog love the out doors camping fishing bike rides and love going for drives im looking for some one average but hot at the same time im not looking for a barbie doll cause i just dont think thats hot i would love to find some one who is looking for a long term relationship that like to go out and have fun but at the same time likes to stay home and watch a movie just as much some one who likes sex but knows its not the hole relation ship but still wants it as much as i do likes to be on a back of a bike and go for long bike rides likes to camp and not afraid to get dirty and understands that im a gear head also likes to hang out with her friends by her self cause guys need guy time as much as girls need girl time most of all i guess im just old school im looking for a soul mate someone to be with sexuly and be a best friend at the same time i guess you can say im just looking for love "

Not only is just about everything spelled wrong, there's no punctuation, and you know, one giant run-on sentence...BUT FUCKING ICK DUDE.

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaack

Achilles and I have broken up but we're still cool friends. Honestly. So I went back to Match.com because I am a glutton for punishment. There are a couple of nice guys...but these next 3 are teh winners. SERIOUSLY. Also, aside from my editorials, I have not edited these messages or IMs in any way.

Bachelor #1... he sends me a message on match...
Hey you Im Mike.... How are you ???I want to write to you to tell you more about me and what im looking for! Im 29 years old and Im from New Milford CT. I love to smile and I love to laugh!!! and of couse I would always let you win!!!! Its all about having a good time!!!! I work in the dental feild and went to school for business. But for the last few months I wanted to go back to school to become a high school teacher. I bought a condo almost two and half years ago...boy time flys.... I have been just fixing up the way I wanted to be I take pride in everything I do ! I love to go shopping always dress nice but I always love when a girl picks out my outfits the reason behind that is girl knows what looks best on guy right? I am the type that loves to give! I am always spoiling the one care about ..Some are bigger then others but I will always make you feel like a princess!!!Sometime it could be a simple as a home made card or as big as diamonds of course has to be set in white gold
Im about 5'11 brown hair baby blue eyes and I was a football player in High school I love sports and going to baseball games. Im a very ROMANTIC guy but most of the time it just get me hurt in the long run! I love the long walks of the beach and late night phone call just tell the other person how much they mean to you Im a kinda guy that share his feeling and you will know at anytime how im feeling.
I have everything going for my self a great family( i love my family) and friends a great place to live for now im just missing that person to love each and every day Im looking for a relationship something long tream Im tired of the games and dead end relationship I put my heart in to my relationship so i could get hurt easy. I am very romantic guy! And yes I have do have Morals!! Well I hope this gave you little more about myself and I hope you'll right back soon! Please tell me more about your self and what your looking for and I hope we will be in touch! I never do this but if you want and really get to know each other you can text me or call me I am a very easy person to talk to 203-460-1993 My aim is wtfimdumb Hope your having a great week!!!

Mike

What the hell? Did you just give me your phone number? Yes you did. And now I'm going to post it on the internet. Lilo suggested that maybe he's actually a toothbrush since he's in the dental "feild". I don't understand his long ramblings, but I can tell you now...I did not return his message. You are a creeper.

Now let's meet...
Bachelor #2
First of all, the title of his message is "one date guarantee!"
Hi,
One date guarantee: After one date if you are not totally satisfied with me as a perspective partner, you can return me to the pool of Match.com guys AT NO CHARGE!! :-) No annoying phone calls to make, no forms to fill out, no texts to make!

I hope my opening made you laugh, sometimes its hard to get noticed on Match, I am sure you get more emails than you can handle in a day. After reading your profile, it looks like you are looking for someone a little younger than me, but I am just finding most people in their early 30's or already working on their second marriage or are already married to their careers. Since I haven't been meeting the right people I decided to try someone a little younger than me. Most of my friends are no help, they seem to be rarely around due to being on the "couples circuit", LOL!! I am just looking for someone to hang out with, go to dinner with or explore the city with.

Sorry to ramble, I have to cut this short, I need to figure out how to install the Direct TV I just bought, I think I need to run to Best Buy this afternoon....

Doug

WHO ARE YOU? Do you think you're funny? He's like the used car salesman of Match.com. You are not amusing to me. None of the things that you have said are acceptable. Don't try to flatter me with "I'm sure you get more emails than you can handle in one day". I'm on to you. I do not like you. FAIL.

And finally..
Bachelor #3
His first messages to me were awesome. They had me laughing, we share a huge love for Incubus and I thought that he was just awesome. WRONG. I am so wrong. He's just...what the hell dude?

fenderheavy: so what mens fashion do you like?
me: what?
me: you catch me off guard with weird questions
fenderheavy: what you dont like fashion?
me: i don't know if i have an opinion about fashion, actually
me: i like it when guys can dress themselves and dress well
fenderheavy: Haha... I used to work with a woman named wilma... she is 46 and looks like she is 20... we would flip through GQ and compare what we liked
me: haha
fenderheavy: she worked in the city for a small fashion designer... back in the day... she is a rockstar
me:that's pretty awesome
me: i'm not terribly fancy dressed up girl
me: i'm jeans and flip flops roll with the punches girl
fenderheavy: yeah I dress up for work... But I think that I can look good even in a t-shirt and jeans (At this point, I start to think that maybe he likes himself too much. Just maybe)
me: hmmm...
me:it's even lovelier when a guy smells good
fenderheavy: and I start wearing sandals at the end of march
fenderheavy: yes!!!
me: if i could wear flipflops all the time, i so would
fenderheavy: aqua di gio by armani
me:hmm..i'm trying to think if i know what that smells like
fenderheavy: I have cologne on me at all times
me: it's fab when guys smell good
fenderheavy: Watches sunglasses and cologne are my 3 weaknesses
me:haha
fenderheavy: well that and pretty girls
me: those seem like ok weaknesses (No, they are all pretty gay up until the liking girls part. This is when I knew that he was not the guy that I would keep on talking to)
fenderheavy: they are not really weaknesses... just guilty pleasures... do you have any?

That was a few days ago...and then we have today. I had no plans to talk to him, but he IM'd me and I was bored and I kind of had to talk to him.

fenderheavy: OK so are you one of the "Crazies"
me: the what's now?
fenderheavy: a girl who is COMPLETELY out of her mind
me: are you honestly asking me this?
fenderheavy: more like faciously
fenderheavy: but kind of serious.... because so far I have only dated crazies
me: i would go for a solid "no" on that one
me: i can be wacky but i'm not crazy
fenderheavy: ok maybe Ill switch things up and go with wacky
fenderheavy: it sounds fun
me: uhh...?
fenderheavy: so what qualifies as "wacky"
me: i don't know, i'm just silly and i do silly things
me: i say things that possibly make to sense to make people laugh
me: *possibly make no sense
fenderheavy: ok see now we are making progress!!! Actually... That did make no sense... and made me laugh
me: i didn't know that there was progress to be made
fenderheavy: oh yeah
fenderheavy: lots of progress
fenderheavy: If you are ever going to get me in the sack you are going to have to try much harder (FAIL)
me: you're assuming i'm going to sleep with you?
me: really?
me: dude, wtf?
fenderheavy: its a joke
me: even in a joking way - FAIL (Told him)
me: you are strange
fenderheavy: I did not mean to offend you....
me: it's okay
me: just..weird dude
fenderheavy: calm down... It was not meant to be some thing you should freak out avout
me: i'm calm. i'm just saying. weird
me: anyway, moving right along
me: or not
fenderheavy: your still talking to me?
me: do you want me to not talk to you?
fenderheavy: no you just seemed offended
me: a little. i'm over it
fenderheavy: I think that my humor seems more perverted over the internet... and the fact that you dont know me
me: those could be true, yes
fenderheavy: hey it was real fun talking and all but im going get going (This is where he decided that maybe I AM a crazy after all and that he should never talk to me again. I would be fine with that)
me: ok
me: bye

Let me just add that if he's stupid enough to talk to me again, I'm turning that crazy amp up to 11. Idiot.


I wanted to let this blog die, but it's pretty clear that I can't. So I'll be back from time to time. Otherwise, find me here.

Well

I've moved. Find me here now

All right all you kittens and cats...

I've decided. There needs to be a new blog. This blog - it just isn't me anymore. And who knows, I might come back to it one day. But it isn't who I am. I'm not looking anymore and I'm terribly happy and that should make for bad blogging. But I think I'm funny and I'm going to make a new blog. I am. So once I get the deets - everyone will know. But until then, consider this my last post.

I've learned a lot about myself in the past year that I've had this blog. I've learned the things that I will and won't compromise on. I've met some shitty people, I've met some pretty awesome people and it's been one hell of a ride. I'm kind of glad it's over now

My aunt on Achilles

"He is really nice and has a sense of humor. You light up when you are with him :)"

And I see it now. I do light up when I'm with him. I like him so much. I'm gross relationship girl and I don't care and I'm totalling falling into this relationship and loving every second of it.

Tonight he threatened to bite my fingers off. I whined and said that I liked them and needed them. "I will kiss them all instead," he told me. I glowed, I think.

My parents like him (including my dad. Who doesn't like ANYONE) and my brothers like him and my aunt does too. And me? Well you know how things are with me.

Gross and sappy time

I didn't make this...but it works for me...

Totally giddy!

Achilles is back! He is! Actually, he came back on Monday night and I didn't see him until Wednesday night. While he was away, he told me he got me a few things. You see, I have this thing about lip products. I love them. Like, I LOVE them. I need to have lip balm or something around me at all times. I do. It's a problem. Achilles thinks it's hysterical when I can't function without it. So he bought me all sorts of lip products. I told him he was an enabler and he just laughed at me. I'm glad he knows the way to my heart - through moisturized lips.

Darcy's family always has a NYE party that's good fun, so he came over there. He finally met my brother J, which was really important to me. Achilles didn't know how much of a test that is, but it really says a lot about him. I knew that he would be great with J, but there's always a moment of doubt. I've dated guys that treated J like a moron or like he's 2 and he's not. He's 20 and very much an adult. But J seemed to like him and wanted to hang out with Achilles, so that's great. (J, by the way, is my brother. He's autistic and he means a lot to me. He's kind of high functioning - but he's a spaz sometmies. I love him dearly...and sometimes just want him to go away).

But since Achilles was at Darcy's...it meant that I had someone to kiss at midnight. Is that lame? You know it! It was great to have him there, regardless of how lame it is that it mattered. I felt it was a good way to start 2009.

Thursday night I slept over at Achilles place. We watched the Venture Brothers and had some pizza and snuggled and it was just fabulous to be back with him. He kept on telling me how much he missed me - how much he missed me smelling good and snuggling with him and being sweet to him and how much he just OUT AND OUT LIKES ME. WHICH IS LIKE A LOT. And I like him a lot. A lot a lot. It's scary how much I like him.

He came over this afternoon to just hang out (my parents are out of town) and do some laundry. That's right, I lured him over with Lego Batman and laundry. It worked. Also, I made him french toast and he really liked it. Or he faked liking it to make me feel good. We played some lego batman (he was Robin) and just...we just were. Then he told me that I'm his favorite bitch on this continent. Oh, I so win.

Today he brought up me meeting some of his friends - and I told him that of course I wanted to meet them. He's been hesistant, but not because of who I am, but because of who his friends are. I would get into more detail and even though I write under a pen-name - I'm not going to say why he thinks I can't handle his friends. It's not like they are in a gang or go around murdering people - but I'm just not. It's Achilles thing and I'm okay with that. I just want to meet his friends so they know that I'm a good person and that I care for him deeply.

I've been wondering a lot what I should do with this blog. I feel like I want to keep on writing here, but at the same time, I don't want Achilles to find it. I don't think he will, because even though I talk about blogging (as in "oh, I blogged today about Quagmire") he never asks to read it or see the address or anything. But I don't want to keep on playing with fire. So do I move somewhere else and just be honest and up front with things between Achilles and I? Or do I just stop blogging all together? I really don't know what to do and I'm not sure how to handle it. I'm still thinking though.