I can't make these people up

Match.com seems to think that this guy and I would mesh together really well. Match.com says "Meet nicksomething or other. Like you, he likes dogs. Like you, he's the oldest child. Like you, he enjoys a good sports game"

This is his about me section. I have not edited it in any way. FUCKING MAGIC

"im a nice sweet 22 year old guy who loves his family and his dog love the out doors camping fishing bike rides and love going for drives im looking for some one average but hot at the same time im not looking for a barbie doll cause i just dont think thats hot i would love to find some one who is looking for a long term relationship that like to go out and have fun but at the same time likes to stay home and watch a movie just as much some one who likes sex but knows its not the hole relation ship but still wants it as much as i do likes to be on a back of a bike and go for long bike rides likes to camp and not afraid to get dirty and understands that im a gear head also likes to hang out with her friends by her self cause guys need guy time as much as girls need girl time most of all i guess im just old school im looking for a soul mate someone to be with sexuly and be a best friend at the same time i guess you can say im just looking for love "

Not only is just about everything spelled wrong, there's no punctuation, and you know, one giant run-on sentence...BUT FUCKING ICK DUDE.

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaack

Achilles and I have broken up but we're still cool friends. Honestly. So I went back to Match.com because I am a glutton for punishment. There are a couple of nice guys...but these next 3 are teh winners. SERIOUSLY. Also, aside from my editorials, I have not edited these messages or IMs in any way.

Bachelor #1... he sends me a message on match...
Hey you Im Mike.... How are you ???I want to write to you to tell you more about me and what im looking for! Im 29 years old and Im from New Milford CT. I love to smile and I love to laugh!!! and of couse I would always let you win!!!! Its all about having a good time!!!! I work in the dental feild and went to school for business. But for the last few months I wanted to go back to school to become a high school teacher. I bought a condo almost two and half years ago...boy time flys.... I have been just fixing up the way I wanted to be I take pride in everything I do ! I love to go shopping always dress nice but I always love when a girl picks out my outfits the reason behind that is girl knows what looks best on guy right? I am the type that loves to give! I am always spoiling the one care about ..Some are bigger then others but I will always make you feel like a princess!!!Sometime it could be a simple as a home made card or as big as diamonds of course has to be set in white gold
Im about 5'11 brown hair baby blue eyes and I was a football player in High school I love sports and going to baseball games. Im a very ROMANTIC guy but most of the time it just get me hurt in the long run! I love the long walks of the beach and late night phone call just tell the other person how much they mean to you Im a kinda guy that share his feeling and you will know at anytime how im feeling.
I have everything going for my self a great family( i love my family) and friends a great place to live for now im just missing that person to love each and every day Im looking for a relationship something long tream Im tired of the games and dead end relationship I put my heart in to my relationship so i could get hurt easy. I am very romantic guy! And yes I have do have Morals!! Well I hope this gave you little more about myself and I hope you'll right back soon! Please tell me more about your self and what your looking for and I hope we will be in touch! I never do this but if you want and really get to know each other you can text me or call me I am a very easy person to talk to 203-460-1993 My aim is wtfimdumb Hope your having a great week!!!

Mike

What the hell? Did you just give me your phone number? Yes you did. And now I'm going to post it on the internet. Lilo suggested that maybe he's actually a toothbrush since he's in the dental "feild". I don't understand his long ramblings, but I can tell you now...I did not return his message. You are a creeper.

Now let's meet...
Bachelor #2
First of all, the title of his message is "one date guarantee!"
Hi,
One date guarantee: After one date if you are not totally satisfied with me as a perspective partner, you can return me to the pool of Match.com guys AT NO CHARGE!! :-) No annoying phone calls to make, no forms to fill out, no texts to make!

I hope my opening made you laugh, sometimes its hard to get noticed on Match, I am sure you get more emails than you can handle in a day. After reading your profile, it looks like you are looking for someone a little younger than me, but I am just finding most people in their early 30's or already working on their second marriage or are already married to their careers. Since I haven't been meeting the right people I decided to try someone a little younger than me. Most of my friends are no help, they seem to be rarely around due to being on the "couples circuit", LOL!! I am just looking for someone to hang out with, go to dinner with or explore the city with.

Sorry to ramble, I have to cut this short, I need to figure out how to install the Direct TV I just bought, I think I need to run to Best Buy this afternoon....

Doug

WHO ARE YOU? Do you think you're funny? He's like the used car salesman of Match.com. You are not amusing to me. None of the things that you have said are acceptable. Don't try to flatter me with "I'm sure you get more emails than you can handle in one day". I'm on to you. I do not like you. FAIL.

And finally..
Bachelor #3
His first messages to me were awesome. They had me laughing, we share a huge love for Incubus and I thought that he was just awesome. WRONG. I am so wrong. He's just...what the hell dude?

fenderheavy: so what mens fashion do you like?
me: what?
me: you catch me off guard with weird questions
fenderheavy: what you dont like fashion?
me: i don't know if i have an opinion about fashion, actually
me: i like it when guys can dress themselves and dress well
fenderheavy: Haha... I used to work with a woman named wilma... she is 46 and looks like she is 20... we would flip through GQ and compare what we liked
me: haha
fenderheavy: she worked in the city for a small fashion designer... back in the day... she is a rockstar
me:that's pretty awesome
me: i'm not terribly fancy dressed up girl
me: i'm jeans and flip flops roll with the punches girl
fenderheavy: yeah I dress up for work... But I think that I can look good even in a t-shirt and jeans (At this point, I start to think that maybe he likes himself too much. Just maybe)
me: hmmm...
me:it's even lovelier when a guy smells good
fenderheavy: and I start wearing sandals at the end of march
fenderheavy: yes!!!
me: if i could wear flipflops all the time, i so would
fenderheavy: aqua di gio by armani
me:hmm..i'm trying to think if i know what that smells like
fenderheavy: I have cologne on me at all times
me: it's fab when guys smell good
fenderheavy: Watches sunglasses and cologne are my 3 weaknesses
me:haha
fenderheavy: well that and pretty girls
me: those seem like ok weaknesses (No, they are all pretty gay up until the liking girls part. This is when I knew that he was not the guy that I would keep on talking to)
fenderheavy: they are not really weaknesses... just guilty pleasures... do you have any?

That was a few days ago...and then we have today. I had no plans to talk to him, but he IM'd me and I was bored and I kind of had to talk to him.

fenderheavy: OK so are you one of the "Crazies"
me: the what's now?
fenderheavy: a girl who is COMPLETELY out of her mind
me: are you honestly asking me this?
fenderheavy: more like faciously
fenderheavy: but kind of serious.... because so far I have only dated crazies
me: i would go for a solid "no" on that one
me: i can be wacky but i'm not crazy
fenderheavy: ok maybe Ill switch things up and go with wacky
fenderheavy: it sounds fun
me: uhh...?
fenderheavy: so what qualifies as "wacky"
me: i don't know, i'm just silly and i do silly things
me: i say things that possibly make to sense to make people laugh
me: *possibly make no sense
fenderheavy: ok see now we are making progress!!! Actually... That did make no sense... and made me laugh
me: i didn't know that there was progress to be made
fenderheavy: oh yeah
fenderheavy: lots of progress
fenderheavy: If you are ever going to get me in the sack you are going to have to try much harder (FAIL)
me: you're assuming i'm going to sleep with you?
me: really?
me: dude, wtf?
fenderheavy: its a joke
me: even in a joking way - FAIL (Told him)
me: you are strange
fenderheavy: I did not mean to offend you....
me: it's okay
me: just..weird dude
fenderheavy: calm down... It was not meant to be some thing you should freak out avout
me: i'm calm. i'm just saying. weird
me: anyway, moving right along
me: or not
fenderheavy: your still talking to me?
me: do you want me to not talk to you?
fenderheavy: no you just seemed offended
me: a little. i'm over it
fenderheavy: I think that my humor seems more perverted over the internet... and the fact that you dont know me
me: those could be true, yes
fenderheavy: hey it was real fun talking and all but im going get going (This is where he decided that maybe I AM a crazy after all and that he should never talk to me again. I would be fine with that)
me: ok
me: bye

Let me just add that if he's stupid enough to talk to me again, I'm turning that crazy amp up to 11. Idiot.


I wanted to let this blog die, but it's pretty clear that I can't. So I'll be back from time to time. Otherwise, find me here.

BLOGGING FAIL....

As promised so long ago, it’s a blog update. It’s not like I have a good reason not to be updating my blog, but whatever. I’ve been busy? No, that’s a lie. I’ve just been lazy.

So where to begin? My parents seem to really like Achilles. My mom asks me questions about him every day – somethings that I do actually know because I’ve been dating him for longer than they know, I pretend not to know. But she says that he’s nice and very sweet and a decent guy and very low key (HAHA) which means that she approves. And I like that. Achilles came over last Saturday when I was making cookies with Darcy and Lilo and my dad talked to him for a bit. That’s weird. I guess my dad wished him luck in the kitchen with us. I was dancing around and being silly and he just sat there and took it all in. He’s a saint. Lilo left and Darcy left shortly after that, so Achilles and I just hung out. After the massive snow storm on last Friday shattered my nerves (and my plan to hang out with Achiles), it was nice just to be with him. He is very comforting and totally sweet and adorable.

Also, I bought him a whole bunch of snacks. He left on Tuesday for his sister’s house in Cincinnati and was going to go without snacks. That’s pretty much unacceptable. I went out with Darcy and Darcy’s Sister for snacks. I panicked about the snacks, even though he told me what he liked. But he was really excited about it and gave me a huge hug and told me how wonderful and thoughtful I was to even do that. Score one for me.

I didn’t expect to see him at all on lastSunday, but my parents and W were going to a party (that I wasn’t invited to!) and he didn’t want me to have PB&J for dinner. So I got to see him again! And we snuggled and he made me dinner and it was lovely. Then I stole one of his t-shirts. I woke a black t-shirt over to his house on Sunday. When I was putting my clothes back on (scandalous!) I put his shirt on instead, thinking it was mine (I was clearly out of it, because Achilles is bigger than me and looking at the shirts, you could tell which one was which) and danced around, asking him if I was as cool as he was now. He told me that no, I wasn’t. I was sad. We ate ice cream in his bed and watched the Simpsons and did nothing. And it was fabulous. I gave him his shirt back as I was leaving, even though it was soft and snuggly and smelled like boy and I liked it…so he told me to take it with me, as long as I give it back. Which I might do. But now I’m excited to have a soft and snuggly Achilles shirt, which I’ll give back to him at some point. I don’t know when though. Score another one for me. I’m up two so far.

But Achilles is gone until Tuesday. So I lose one for that. And it’s not much different than if he was at home, I wouldn’t be able to see him during the week anyway. Knowing that I can’t even see him if either of us had time because he’s not even in the same state is sad. And knowing that I’m so..meh about him being gone lets me know that I’ve really started to fall for him and really started to fully embrace this relationship. That’s so scary for me. I don’t want to get burned like I have before, but I have a feeling like this will be different than others. He was telling his sister about me the other day and said that we get along really well and compliment each other well. I agree with these thoughts – but also felt great that he felt it too. I can’t even explain why I like him as much as I do. And I don’t have to. But I feel myself falling for him. At least now I have the ability to stop myself from falling into a brick wall, which I think I didn’t have before. I’m not going to rush anything. I’m not going to force his hand, I’m not going to bully him into telling me things he doesn’t mean. I’m just going to be with him and see where it goes. And from what I can see – it’s going to go in a perfectly fabulous direction. Seriously. That makes me more happy than anything I could ever say. I feel really lucky now.

Also, he called me on Christmas to tell my that his niece called me a "ho ho ho" (because she's 12 and that's totally what a 12 year old would do) and I told him to tell her that I was going to punch her in the face. I'm charming. So he goes "MY GIRLFRIEND IS GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE!" and the important part is that he called me his girlfriend. That's amazing. I tweaked about that for a while.

Okay, done with being sappy. On to my other..issue? Is that what you would call what I’m about to say?

I work at a very small company (there’s only 15 of us, 13 in the office full time) so we all are very involved with each other’s lives. We get to know each other, we talk a lot – we like each other. I mean, we have to. We’re about the size of some screwed up family. There’s this guy that works here that’s Achilles age – let’s call him...Quagmire (as Lilo put it “because no matter how many times you shut him down, he keeps trying to do you”). Quagmire’s office is across the way from mine. My computer screen is angled, so when I look up from my screen and over the desk, I look right into his office. That’s just how things are. I could talk to him from my desk in a normal voice and he would hear me. But Quagmire goes out of his way to tell me things. Like about the t-shirt he just ordered or his guitar that he just got or how he got into a car accident a few weekends ago when he hit some black ice. He FINDS reasons to talk to me about things. He IMs me sites where I can find cheap games for the wii. He calls me into his office to listen to the weezer Christmas album. And it’s just so strange. Did I mention that he looks at my boobs? Like, a lot? I feel like he’s always flirting with me and it’s just…wtf? I know he hears me talk about Achilles (because I do) and I know he knows that Achilles exists. I’m now listed as being in a relationship on facebook!

Conversation with the Brewmaster

Me: when are your real tests?
Brewmaster: first one is thursday
Me: you' re going to spank it and make it your bitch
Brewmaster: thats right. those tests are in for some hard loving.
Me: that sounds like something achilles would say
he came over on friday night and i was walking into my house and he was behind me and then he's like mumbling "oh yeah baby, i would make sweet sweet love to you right now"
and i turn around to be like, WTF?
and he's humping the washing machine
Brewmaster: hahahaha
Me: it was a magical moment
Brewmaster: that is wonderful
Me: he does shit like that all the time and it amuses me to no end. he made up a song called "i'll be your personal dildo" and sings it in a high pitched voice
Brewmaster: hahahah
he's a keeper carrie
he has charmed my heart with his creative vulgarity

Being a dumb girl, being a dumb girl

Last night, I was going over to one of my old co-worker's houses. LB has a son that's 4, JB. I LOVE HIM. He's cute and adorable and so so so blonde. And he loves me. A lot. He told me we could get married as long as we didn't have to dance at the wedding. I call him my boyfriend JB because that's so what he is. He asks LB about me. We hold hands. You know, that sort of thing. I was texting Achilles last night as I was driving to LB's house (I know, I'm not supposed to do that, but I did) and he asked me if I was going to see my "other boyfriend". WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?!?! I talked about it with Lilo ALL DAMN DAY. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!

Lilo believes that that means that Achilles...is my boyfriend. Which is a weird thing to think and to say. And both Lilo and Summer agree that I should just ask him. I would feel like a total tool being like "uhh...so you're my boyfriend now?" My plan was to wait until he introduces me to some of his friends and see what he says. That might not be for a while...so we see how this plan has faults. But that's about as far as I got. Lilo insists that Achilles, if he wasn't my boyfriend already, will LOVE to be my boyfriend.

I am in a panic. Why?

There's no good reason why. I just am. I guess because asking him that question makes me vunerable for the first time since I've known him. We've talked about things that are deep and not surface stuff...but they haven't been about feelings towards each other. And to vocalize something that I want and I'm pretty sure he wants scares the shit out of me. I am so dumb. I need to stop. I like him. I really and honestly do. I'm not just saying that I do because I want to be with someone. I'm saying that because I feel like he's a good match (ha, dumb!) for me. He's smart and very funny and can keep up with me. And as So@24 says , us girls that might be funny (at least I think I am) should not settle for guys that are not funny. (In unrelated side notes, the blog he mentions, whatclaudiawore, is fucking AMAZING. She's great. I want to BE her. Also, I referenced this blog post in my conversation last night with Achilles. You know you have a problem with blogs when you talk about them IN REAL LIFE AS IF THEY ARE A CONVERSATION YOU HAD. So, props to you, So@24. Your blog is now a part of my life.) He makes me laugh and smile and I like being around him. I feel comfortable around him. He just...he is. It makes no sense that I say that...but it's what I feel. God, emo tonight. Sorry.


And in another unrelated note...last night, L found out that both JB and I want lego batman for christmas (I have the same taste as a 4 year old boy. classsssssssssssssy). JB then started talking about the other woman (Zoe, that whore...okay, so maybe she's only 4. And maybe she only just kissed him while they were in line to get their photos taken...but I know when I'm being replaced by a younger woman. That makes Zoe a whore). Then he went back to talking about lego batman and told me that if I didn't get lego batman for chrsitmas, I could come over to his house and we could play. As I'm telling Achilles this, he tells me that I'm setting myself up for some emotional abuse. He said that JB is going to lure me over to his house so we can pretend to play lego batman, but really he's going to talk about Zoe. "Haha" I said to Achilles, "I've already been emotionally abused and it didn't involve lego batman!" He asked what I mean. I changed the subject.

Lilo then tells me...JB is using you for your love and worship. He is teasing you and he is a womanizer. Womanizer. Womanizer--kill me. But: if he gets Lego Indiana Jones, you should not feel bad using him for his snuggles and video games. I think this is only fair.

I agree.

Also, tomorrow is Boot's birthday. I'm hoping more than anything that he doesn't call. I don't want or need him now

This could be the best conversation ever

Chicken killer: did i tell u
Chicken killer: i told my pof stalker to f-- off
Darcy: Tell me? Oh!
Darcy: Well congratulations!
Chicken killer: she 18
Darcy: I'm sure that didn't go over well.
Chicken killer: she was like i love you
Chicken killer: i was you cant love me because you dont know me
Chicken killer: she was like fine your like the rest of the guys i speak too
Darcy: Hahahhaha!
Darcy: Well, good for you!
Chicken killer: i am sick of her iming me and being nude on cam
Chicken killer: women and men are weird
Chicken killer: no more stalker woo
Chicken killer: but now i am your stalker lol
Darcy: ?
Darcy: Does that mean I should tell you off?
Chicken killer: well your not mean so you cant
Chicken killer: i am joking
Chicken killer: your a good friend
Chicken killer: if i stalker you. you would send the baby goat after me
Darcy: You're right...I wouldn't do a very good job of yelling at someone...there wouldn't be any feeling behind it.
Darcy: Ha...forget the goat, I could do much more damage w/ my dog.
Darcy: She's a nut.
Chicken killer: i know
Chicken killer: ohh well
Chicken killer: maybe if she didnt live 4 hrs away i would be good
Darcy: Your stalker? I would think that's a good thing...then she can't somehow find you....
Chicken killer: i fouid out why your postive
Chicken killer: you have an optimstic look at things
Darcy: ?
Darcy: Well, yes.
Chicken killer: ya i am on your pof page
Chicken killer: lol i am stalking you
Darcy: Oh... yay?
Chicken killer: ya
Darcy: You couldn't figure out the optimism w/o reading it?
Chicken killer: honestly i dont know the word i was looking for
Darcy: Ah...
Chicken killer: i was like on tip of my tounge but i couldnt come out
Darcy: That happens.
Chicken killer: i think u like me a little
Chicken killer: no offence
Darcy: Oh? And how do you figure that?
Chicken killer: just a feeling i have
Darcy: Hmm...that's unfortunate....cause I don't like people having false hopes and getting hurt as a result...
Chicken killer: lol
Chicken killer: ok fine
Chicken killer: i like u
Darcy: Well, I had guessed as much...especially after you continuously stated it...
Chicken killer: lol
Chicken killer: i speak to you every day
Chicken killer: come on
Darcy: Hmm?
Chicken killer: your sweet and smart
Darcy: So? There's a lot of people like that out there....
Darcy: You just gotta sift some.
Darcy: or a lot...
Chicken killer: darcy
Chicken killer: stop it
Chicken killer: i know what your doing
Darcy: Oh?
Chicken killer: your fighting it
Darcy: Hahahah! I'm not fighting anything...I'm trying to stop you from doing something silly to yourself.
Chicken killer: but in life you have to take chances
Darcy: I know...but it's sad to watch someone take a leap knowing there's concrete below them...
Chicken killer: lol
Chicken killer: darcy i dont want to date you because i like what we have now
Darcy: Okay... As long as that is clear.
Darcy: Then that's fine.
Chicken killer: i mean like if we dated ok
Chicken killer: and i dump you because something
Chicken killer: i dont want see u hurt
Chicken killer: because you might be happy on the outside but on the inside your heart would be crush
Darcy: hahahahha!!!!!
Darcy: I'm sorry to laugh at that... I know it's a hypothetical situation...
Darcy: and I should be impressed that you would care that much...but I can only suspend disbelief so much...



That's a real pre-thanksgiving treat. Thanks Darcy! In other unrelated news...going to see Achilles tonight. Very Exciting!

Yay, something to post

This is the message I just got on match:

Can you tell me your name? My name is Joe.

You have a good day and take care,
Joe

And yes, I could tell you my name. But no, I'm not. He's a little older than any guy I would be willing to date (try 39) and his entire profile reads like Yoda wrote it. His tagline (or whatever you want to call it) says "A Person Who is Really Special Very Much is Who I Seek". What? His info? Be prepared for this, cause I'm reading it out loud and I can't wrap my brain around it. I don't know if it's supposed to be a poem, but I know some poets and I think that they would agree this is pretty much...nonsense.

You Deserve a Poem


You wonder who I am, quiet, reserved and secretive, others notice emotions, felt, wonder how to draw me out. Stubborn and tough, fight position, enjoy life at cutting edge, life experienced intensely and totally. Courageous and taking calculated risks, sensitive, curious and concerned with deeper mysteries of human psychology, subject, pursue with total fanaticism. Patient, prolong and savor enjoyable times. Warm. Results from any situation, abstractions difficult to comprehend, mold, and shape things. Careful thinker, present ideas visually, concretely, useful for attention, cautious, conservative in thought, slow to opinions, appeal to logic, and reason. Affectionate and hates to be tied down. Aggressor, initiate relationships and set sights on someone. Action motivated by morals and ideals. Work to improve on world, demand action and don't like to sit and talk. Like action. Resist attempts to limit freedom, assist anyone who feels put down and restricted. Expansive, ease doing something practical, enjoy duty, and carry responsibilities. Gladly take tasks others avoid. Choice makes me ill at ease. Must have firm, ordered and secure foundation in life to feel comfortable. I have free, unstable, unconventional approach to relationships, and emotional commitments. Experiments in marriage, shared lifestyles and freedom important than entangle emotional bonds. Attracted to bizarre, interested in deep, mystery, explore, idealize benefits can accrue from study of occult, and healing. Finished horror book; art, poetry, NYC, Port Chester and CT. Take notes, five fictions and romance novel. Movies: Lamora, Portrait of Jenny, Citizen Kane, etc. I choose dull colors over bright. Artists: Robert Williams, Winston Smith, Norman Rockwell, etc. Magazine: Juxtapoz. Publishing companies: Last Gasp and Feral House. Design: Victorian, Art Deco, etc. (How a lady should be treated.) Not tell you what to do, secret and adventurous frontiers. Won't conquer you and initiatives come from you. Ask me and I’ll do it immediately. Challenge you. Converse in trees, flowers and ecology in romantic restaurant, you'll not find me try to break your habits. Various questions in conversation, talk to you of tomorrow what I'll participate in (with you.) Speak of books. People watch, lessons in dance, language and travel. Walk and arrange shared activities. Can be in beginning, gossip, change topics doesn't bother me. Play games never offends me. Help execute your plans. Mention to you different ways you're beautiful, nice and good. Take you to movie/theater and be your audience. I will not put you down. Mention to you if I’ll get advice, opinion and humor in what I say and in action. You'll feel peace. You'll be appreciated of your job. I forbid anyone to push you into a decision; we’ll weigh pros and cons. You'll be asked if you have artistic and aesthetic desires. You'll hear a favor from you to mention how I dress, your opinion of interior design. You'll have my point-of-view if you need it; you'll balance in peace and harmony. Prepared, your deepest emotions, jealousy, won't delve into your past if you prefer. Show you what I decide, go for with a smile. Light candles. Bring up something unheard. Mysterious places. Can you/would you admit if you like to be teased? Perform unusually, witty, and unpredictable, you don't want to be shocked, I understand. Hike, venture in another town. I'll know your philosophy. A lady who is secured, notice me being experimental. A woman will be encouraged to make dreams a reality. A person is given strength. A noblewoman receives poems. You'll be touched as your palm is read. A female finds out of a dreamy moment, a gentle woman with someone who acknowledges however to treat a female person with respect, from a man who is real. You're a lady, how you should be treated, and one day at a time. Can't forget a relationship is destiny because if anything else replacing destiny only ruin the relationship.


I am so confused. Seriously and totally so confused.