Last night, I was going over to one of my old co-worker's houses. LB has a son that's 4, JB. I LOVE HIM. He's cute and adorable and so so so blonde. And he loves me. A lot. He told me we could get married as long as we didn't have to dance at the wedding. I call him my boyfriend JB because that's so what he is. He asks LB about me. We hold hands. You know, that sort of thing. I was texting Achilles last night as I was driving to LB's house (I know, I'm not supposed to do that, but I did) and he asked me if I was going to see my "other boyfriend". WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?!?! I talked about it with Lilo ALL DAMN DAY. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!
Lilo believes that that means that Achilles...is my boyfriend. Which is a weird thing to think and to say. And both Lilo and Summer agree that I should just ask him. I would feel like a total tool being like "uhh...so you're my boyfriend now?" My plan was to wait until he introduces me to some of his friends and see what he says. That might not be for a while...so we see how this plan has faults. But that's about as far as I got. Lilo insists that Achilles, if he wasn't my boyfriend already, will LOVE to be my boyfriend.
I am in a panic. Why?
There's no good reason why. I just am. I guess because asking him that question makes me vunerable for the first time since I've known him. We've talked about things that are deep and not surface stuff...but they haven't been about feelings towards each other. And to vocalize something that I want and I'm pretty sure he wants scares the shit out of me. I am so dumb. I need to stop. I like him. I really and honestly do. I'm not just saying that I do because I want to be with someone. I'm saying that because I feel like he's a good match (ha, dumb!) for me. He's smart and very funny and can keep up with me. And as So@24 says , us girls that might be funny (at least I think I am) should not settle for guys that are not funny. (In unrelated side notes, the blog he mentions, whatclaudiawore, is fucking AMAZING. She's great. I want to BE her. Also, I referenced this blog post in my conversation last night with Achilles. You know you have a problem with blogs when you talk about them IN REAL LIFE AS IF THEY ARE A CONVERSATION YOU HAD. So, props to you, So@24. Your blog is now a part of my life.) He makes me laugh and smile and I like being around him. I feel comfortable around him. He just...he is. It makes no sense that I say that...but it's what I feel. God, emo tonight. Sorry.
And in another unrelated note...last night, L found out that both JB and I want lego batman for christmas (I have the same taste as a 4 year old boy. classsssssssssssssy). JB then started talking about the other woman (Zoe, that whore...okay, so maybe she's only 4. And maybe she only just kissed him while they were in line to get their photos taken...but I know when I'm being replaced by a younger woman. That makes Zoe a whore). Then he went back to talking about lego batman and told me that if I didn't get lego batman for chrsitmas, I could come over to his house and we could play. As I'm telling Achilles this, he tells me that I'm setting myself up for some emotional abuse. He said that JB is going to lure me over to his house so we can pretend to play lego batman, but really he's going to talk about Zoe. "Haha" I said to Achilles, "I've already been emotionally abused and it didn't involve lego batman!" He asked what I mean. I changed the subject.
Lilo then tells me...JB is using you for your love and worship. He is teasing you and he is a womanizer. Womanizer. Womanizer--kill me. But: if he gets Lego Indiana Jones, you should not feel bad using him for his snuggles and video games. I think this is only fair.
I agree.
Also, tomorrow is Boot's birthday. I'm hoping more than anything that he doesn't call. I don't want or need him now
Showing posts with label Boots. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Boots. Show all posts
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
Admitting something really bad....
Here’s the secret – Miley Cyrus and I? Total BFFs. How do I know this? Simple. Everytime I listen to “7 things I hate about you” I can imagine a boyfriend (it’s Boots. I should stop trying to be coy, because it’s Boots. FUCKING BOOTS) and I sing along. Except I don’t have just 7 things I hate about him. I have so many more than that. And the parts that she loves, which are mostly the same as the parts that she hates? Not so much in my case. I would share these things but A) it would be horribly boring B) I don’t think I really could name all the things that made me angry C) there very few things I like, but the ones I do like would be total overshares (not that I’m not into oversharing…but this is a massive overshare and D) I just don’t care enough.
But when she’s singing about hating his hair and his eyes and how he loves her but likes someone else…it’s like it’s my life! I share a life with a 15 year old pop star. We’re so alike, you know. Her dad is Billy Ray Cyrus….my dad listens to country music. She has her own TV show….I amuse myself thinking I’m on my own TV show. She has thousands of adoring fans…there are 7 people that read my blog! We’re so even.
I read a blog post today (remember my problem with Google reader? Good, me too) about how some girls whine about not having boyfriends. And the first thought I had was “ohmygodisthatmeIreallyhopenot”. Seriously. Just like that, all my words crammed together in one, big awkward word. Am I that whiney? I don’t think I whine about being single. I’m not going to lie, being single isn’t exactly my idea of a fun time, but it’s not so bad. I guess I’m just getting tired of myself, you know? I like hanging out with my friends and having fun and never having to check with someone to make sure that I’m not supposed to be anywhere else…but I bore myself. I’m done with dragging my friends to see movies that they don’t want to see and going out to bars and dancing with myself because some people (like SUMMER) don’t dance. I just want someone to bring some more entertainment into my life. And I need a boy because I can’t be a girl all the time. I can’t. It’s just not in me. I’m not really a tom-boy, persay, but I just can’t put on makeup and heels and prance around all the time. Mostly because instead of prancing, I crash into things and hurt myself. And really, trying to make yourself really interesting is actually totally exhausting. I just want to…holy crap, now I am the whiney girl. Sorry guys.
But seriously, am I being whiney? Someone? Anyone?
Friday, September 12, 2008
Then I'll do it too!
Everyone has been blogging today. Or so it seems. I’ve been sitting here for a while thinking about what I wanted to blog about…and I came up with…nothing. Really. Nothing has been happening. I’ve been talking to the guy that I mentioned in the previous post. For lack of a better name, this guy will be dubbed “Shortie”. It’s for lack of a better name. We haven’t talked about his lack of height yet. Maybe he didn’t notice my height on my profile? Should I even bring it up? I think I should let him figure it out for himself.
He’s made a couple of slips here and there that make me not really have good vibes about him. For example, I walked into the coffee table at Summer’s house. Why? Well, why not?! Actually, it was because I’m incapable of not walking into things. I slammed my knee into the corner of the table and that felt FREAKING FANTASTIC. I now have a huge bruise on my kneecap and I scraped it as well. So I told him that I went to the gym and I was kneeling down on the treadmill to tie my sneaker and my knee, it pained me. He goes “oh, my poor baby”. I called him on it and told him that that was a total creeper thing to say and to never say that again. Like, I don’t mind sympathy. I do mind when someone thinks I’m a possession of theirs when they don’t even know me. Don’t even go there, buddy. Other than that, he’s been okay. He was telling me about himself last night, but I was too exhausted to really care. I’ll be away all this weekend so maybe I can figure out what’s going on.
Something weird has been happening to me. Every night, I’ve been having these strange dreams where there’s a guy that I want to be with. And the guy always bears a slight resemblance to someone else that I wanted to hook up with/date/kiss/have babies with. I wake up and I’m so confused as to what happened. The guy in last night’s dream looked like Cheesy Fries. I don’t remember what I was trying to do other than find Not Cheesy Fries. But I woke up and I was convinced that this guy was someone that I actually knew. You know those first seconds of waking up when you can’t separate a dream from what’s really going on? That’s my issue. And every night – a different guy. I’m a slut in my dreams. That takes talent right there.
In sad news, the man with the hot ass from the gym has a girlfriend. Not that I thought that he would ever look my way, but it was fun to look at such an attractive man and imagine. But NO. Last night he was working out with his girlfriend and I was disturbed. She was on one of the weight machines and after every set, he would kiss her. Like, excuse me? You are at the gym. I could have wrecked that girl. I should have told him that if he decided he didn’t want to be the skinny bitch to let me know. But I didn’t. Instead I ran on the treadmill and used that as inspiration to move my ass faster.
That brings me to another, totally unrelated point that I’ve been debating about whether to post or not. So here goes. I’ve mentioned that I haven’t really had sex in over a year (we’re not counting Nacho because there was a party in my pants and he clearly didn’t get the invite). Since graduating from college, I’ve gained some weight. I mean, enough weight that I went up a size in clothing. As I’ve noted, I’m not a skinny girl. And that being said, I’m really insecure about my body. I know guys like girls that are confident and don’t care. That’s something I can fake. I can fake being totally in love with myself because I can fake it well. I’ve been doing it for years. I just don’t want to be one of those fat girls that doesn’t know that they are fat. Like, a fat girl in denial. I don’t want to be that girl. So I try to avoid it as much as possible.
And yes, I know that if someone likes me enough to go out with me, then that clearly doesn’t bother them. I know if someone wants to sleep with me, they don’t care. But I do care. That is why sleeping with an ex-boyfriend never occurred to be to be a bad idea (other than it’s an ex-boyfriend and there could still be feelings and so on and so forth). The ex, would know my body. In the way that I wouldn’t have to hide behind sheets or in the dark. It’s always awkward to be naked with someone you don’t really know. Even when you start dating someone and you start having sex…still awkward.
It comes down to me learning to be comfortable in my own skin again. There was a period when I LOVED my body. It was my senior year of college and I lost a lot of weight before I went back to school. I was dating Boots at that point (still). We hadn’t seen each other at all over the summer. He saw some pictures that were taken and he said “who is that smoking hot blonde chick?” because he had no idea it was me. I told him that he was an asshole and that was me and he was shocked. That, for me, was the point that I had the control back in my hands and I felt confident. That was an amazing time, even though Boots was a TOTAL ASSHOLE. Now I’m trying to drop the weight that I’ve gained so that I can be back at that point and feel like that again. I want to feel like I can control the world, even if I can’t.
He’s made a couple of slips here and there that make me not really have good vibes about him. For example, I walked into the coffee table at Summer’s house. Why? Well, why not?! Actually, it was because I’m incapable of not walking into things. I slammed my knee into the corner of the table and that felt FREAKING FANTASTIC. I now have a huge bruise on my kneecap and I scraped it as well. So I told him that I went to the gym and I was kneeling down on the treadmill to tie my sneaker and my knee, it pained me. He goes “oh, my poor baby”. I called him on it and told him that that was a total creeper thing to say and to never say that again. Like, I don’t mind sympathy. I do mind when someone thinks I’m a possession of theirs when they don’t even know me. Don’t even go there, buddy. Other than that, he’s been okay. He was telling me about himself last night, but I was too exhausted to really care. I’ll be away all this weekend so maybe I can figure out what’s going on.
Something weird has been happening to me. Every night, I’ve been having these strange dreams where there’s a guy that I want to be with. And the guy always bears a slight resemblance to someone else that I wanted to hook up with/date/kiss/have babies with. I wake up and I’m so confused as to what happened. The guy in last night’s dream looked like Cheesy Fries. I don’t remember what I was trying to do other than find Not Cheesy Fries. But I woke up and I was convinced that this guy was someone that I actually knew. You know those first seconds of waking up when you can’t separate a dream from what’s really going on? That’s my issue. And every night – a different guy. I’m a slut in my dreams. That takes talent right there.
In sad news, the man with the hot ass from the gym has a girlfriend. Not that I thought that he would ever look my way, but it was fun to look at such an attractive man and imagine. But NO. Last night he was working out with his girlfriend and I was disturbed. She was on one of the weight machines and after every set, he would kiss her. Like, excuse me? You are at the gym. I could have wrecked that girl. I should have told him that if he decided he didn’t want to be the skinny bitch to let me know. But I didn’t. Instead I ran on the treadmill and used that as inspiration to move my ass faster.
That brings me to another, totally unrelated point that I’ve been debating about whether to post or not. So here goes. I’ve mentioned that I haven’t really had sex in over a year (we’re not counting Nacho because there was a party in my pants and he clearly didn’t get the invite). Since graduating from college, I’ve gained some weight. I mean, enough weight that I went up a size in clothing. As I’ve noted, I’m not a skinny girl. And that being said, I’m really insecure about my body. I know guys like girls that are confident and don’t care. That’s something I can fake. I can fake being totally in love with myself because I can fake it well. I’ve been doing it for years. I just don’t want to be one of those fat girls that doesn’t know that they are fat. Like, a fat girl in denial. I don’t want to be that girl. So I try to avoid it as much as possible.
And yes, I know that if someone likes me enough to go out with me, then that clearly doesn’t bother them. I know if someone wants to sleep with me, they don’t care. But I do care. That is why sleeping with an ex-boyfriend never occurred to be to be a bad idea (other than it’s an ex-boyfriend and there could still be feelings and so on and so forth). The ex, would know my body. In the way that I wouldn’t have to hide behind sheets or in the dark. It’s always awkward to be naked with someone you don’t really know. Even when you start dating someone and you start having sex…still awkward.
It comes down to me learning to be comfortable in my own skin again. There was a period when I LOVED my body. It was my senior year of college and I lost a lot of weight before I went back to school. I was dating Boots at that point (still). We hadn’t seen each other at all over the summer. He saw some pictures that were taken and he said “who is that smoking hot blonde chick?” because he had no idea it was me. I told him that he was an asshole and that was me and he was shocked. That, for me, was the point that I had the control back in my hands and I felt confident. That was an amazing time, even though Boots was a TOTAL ASSHOLE. Now I’m trying to drop the weight that I’ve gained so that I can be back at that point and feel like that again. I want to feel like I can control the world, even if I can’t.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Update...sorta
I would update if something had happened. But nothing has. No boys, no love interests, no excitement, NO SEX.
Speaking of that, I've almost gone a year without. Summer's Husband seems to believe that since I'm a girl, I just have to say that I want to sleep with someone and someone will appear. He seems to think it's that easy. It's that easy when you're cute and adorable. It's not that easy when you're not those things. Also, I don't want that anymore. I want a relationship with someone - someone that gets me, someone that appreciates me, someone that wants me. Finding a random guy - he's none of those things.
I'm leaving on vacation soon with Summer and Darcy. The last time the 3 of us went away, Summer got hit on a lot. Like, no one noticed Darcy or I, but becuase of Summer's bling...the guys went after her. I told her that it would be the same situation this time. The guys would see her shiny big rock on her finger and decide that she was the girl to have. I just want to flirt with someone, you know?
And when you speak of flirting...we go back to Boots. Boots. What to say about him? He was talking to me a lot. Like, all the time. And then...he decided he didn't want to talk to me anymore. For no reason. I shouldn't be surprised because he's done that to me before. At the same time, his actions don't jive with his words. I find that so annoying. He needs to mean what he says when he says it. So I called him back a few times over the last almost week and he doesn't answer. That's that. When he decides that he needs me around again, maybe I won't answer. That's what I've been told to do to him. The thing is, I can't be that mean to him. I know I would only be doing to him what he does to me, but I just don't have it in me to be that way. He's got me all confused and I don't know which way is up anymore.
Speaking of that, I've almost gone a year without. Summer's Husband seems to believe that since I'm a girl, I just have to say that I want to sleep with someone and someone will appear. He seems to think it's that easy. It's that easy when you're cute and adorable. It's not that easy when you're not those things. Also, I don't want that anymore. I want a relationship with someone - someone that gets me, someone that appreciates me, someone that wants me. Finding a random guy - he's none of those things.
I'm leaving on vacation soon with Summer and Darcy. The last time the 3 of us went away, Summer got hit on a lot. Like, no one noticed Darcy or I, but becuase of Summer's bling...the guys went after her. I told her that it would be the same situation this time. The guys would see her shiny big rock on her finger and decide that she was the girl to have. I just want to flirt with someone, you know?
And when you speak of flirting...we go back to Boots. Boots. What to say about him? He was talking to me a lot. Like, all the time. And then...he decided he didn't want to talk to me anymore. For no reason. I shouldn't be surprised because he's done that to me before. At the same time, his actions don't jive with his words. I find that so annoying. He needs to mean what he says when he says it. So I called him back a few times over the last almost week and he doesn't answer. That's that. When he decides that he needs me around again, maybe I won't answer. That's what I've been told to do to him. The thing is, I can't be that mean to him. I know I would only be doing to him what he does to me, but I just don't have it in me to be that way. He's got me all confused and I don't know which way is up anymore.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Bad blogger
Yes, I've been a bad blogger. Nothing has been happening though. Well, correction. Something has been happening.
So Bootcamp Boyfriend, AKA Boots, is home from bootcamp. He was IMing me before, if you recall and saying that he was coming home. And when he signed off from AIM, he told me he loved me. Of course that rattled me because I wasn't prepared to deal with that. How could I be? I hadn't talked to him in months and now he's like "oh, love you!" Asshole. We've been talking, just as friends. I don't mind having him as a friend in my life. He always was able to make me laugh when we dated, he just was a giant asshole.
It seems now that Boots has changed. I'm not saying that I'm dating him again, but he's a different sort of person. Maybe bootcamp really did knock the snot out of him. He's been really open about his feelings and generally just really nice to me. He's been telling me that I'm gorgeous and beautiful and smart and funny and cute and pretty and adorable and all sorts of other things like that. Things that I would have killed for him to tell me when we were dating, but he never had the words to say so. Now he's telling me all sorts of things that I want to hear. Just not from him. I can't say that I don't like the attention, because I do. I like knowing that someone thinks I'm beautiful.
You know how I feel about the word beautiful. When he says it, I'm able to believe it because he knows me completely. He knew all the little things about me. He saw the bad parts and the good parts and everything in between. He liked me anyway.
As he's saying all these nice things about me, I told him that he should have told me that when we were dating. He said he always felt this way and I should have known. I told him regardless of the fact that I should have known, I didn't. And he didn't tell me.
Before anyone says how stupid I'm being for even talking to him again...that's all it is. We're talking. I can talk to my ex-boyfriends. Although Reaper is a bad example, I talk to Reaper all the time. There's no good reason that I can't talk to Boots in the same way that I talk to Reaper. Granted, it won't be the same, but I can treat it the same way.
So Bootcamp Boyfriend, AKA Boots, is home from bootcamp. He was IMing me before, if you recall and saying that he was coming home. And when he signed off from AIM, he told me he loved me. Of course that rattled me because I wasn't prepared to deal with that. How could I be? I hadn't talked to him in months and now he's like "oh, love you!" Asshole. We've been talking, just as friends. I don't mind having him as a friend in my life. He always was able to make me laugh when we dated, he just was a giant asshole.
It seems now that Boots has changed. I'm not saying that I'm dating him again, but he's a different sort of person. Maybe bootcamp really did knock the snot out of him. He's been really open about his feelings and generally just really nice to me. He's been telling me that I'm gorgeous and beautiful and smart and funny and cute and pretty and adorable and all sorts of other things like that. Things that I would have killed for him to tell me when we were dating, but he never had the words to say so. Now he's telling me all sorts of things that I want to hear. Just not from him. I can't say that I don't like the attention, because I do. I like knowing that someone thinks I'm beautiful.
You know how I feel about the word beautiful. When he says it, I'm able to believe it because he knows me completely. He knew all the little things about me. He saw the bad parts and the good parts and everything in between. He liked me anyway.
As he's saying all these nice things about me, I told him that he should have told me that when we were dating. He said he always felt this way and I should have known. I told him regardless of the fact that I should have known, I didn't. And he didn't tell me.
Before anyone says how stupid I'm being for even talking to him again...that's all it is. We're talking. I can talk to my ex-boyfriends. Although Reaper is a bad example, I talk to Reaper all the time. There's no good reason that I can't talk to Boots in the same way that I talk to Reaper. Granted, it won't be the same, but I can treat it the same way.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Nothing has been going on
I am lame lately. I told Radio Farter (that's his new name as far as I'm concerned) that he was plenty nice but there was no spark between us. I didn't include that his farting was a real big turn off. Lilo told me I had until Friday, so on Wednesday after I had had a few to drink, I told him to hit the bricks. I do feel better now. He was kind of lame all the time.
And aside from that, nothing new in the boy department. Bootcamp Boyfriend (one of my co-workers has started calling him Army Boots, which I think I like more and will use from now on) is back in NY. He texted me last night. I'm interested to know what Boots did that he tweaked so hardcore. Boys are dumb. That's all I have to say.
Tomorrow Summer and I are going to drink our faces off. When we go out, one of Summer's Husband's friends comes along. He has a wife, but she never comes. But when he goes out with us, he hits on me like it's his job. He stares at my boobs and is kinda touchy-feely. I laugh it off because he's usually so drunk he has no idea what he's saying, but it's weird all at once. I'll update on Sunday with what happens.
And aside from that, nothing new in the boy department. Bootcamp Boyfriend (one of my co-workers has started calling him Army Boots, which I think I like more and will use from now on) is back in NY. He texted me last night. I'm interested to know what Boots did that he tweaked so hardcore. Boys are dumb. That's all I have to say.
Tomorrow Summer and I are going to drink our faces off. When we go out, one of Summer's Husband's friends comes along. He has a wife, but she never comes. But when he goes out with us, he hits on me like it's his job. He stares at my boobs and is kinda touchy-feely. I laugh it off because he's usually so drunk he has no idea what he's saying, but it's weird all at once. I'll update on Sunday with what happens.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
So confused
Last night, I was online. Bootcamp Boyfriend IM'd me. He's apparently in Kentucky, on his way back to upstate NY. We talked for a bit about nothing really, just about what he's going to do when he gets back home and so on and so forth. As he's signing off, he goes "love you, bye." I had no answer to that. What the hell am I supposed to say to that?!
I know that I've told friends of mine that I loved them when I signed off, even if we weren't that kind of friend because I was signing off in a hurry and I told someone else that. I know I've told ex-boyfriends that as a force of habit. It's like talking to someone you used to love. When you're ending the phone conversation, you want to say "I love you" because that's how it used to end. But that's not how our lives are now. We're not in love. And even though I might not even love him in a friendly sort of way, I still care. And there he is, telling me "love you". He might not even realized he did that.
Or he might have realized and done it just to make me all confused. Things I'm not going to do: let him know that he got to me. Cause he did get to me. When (but the bigger question being if), he talks to me again, I'm not going to bring it up. Maybe he will. Maybe he'll do it again. Maybe he won't. I really have no idea. I just know that he got me alllllllllll sorts of confused, like an asshole. Like he is.
On the Radio Flyer front, I texted him on Monday night and said something along the lines of "so what's the plan on Friday?" I thought that was a kind of flirty way to accept his offer to go out on Friday night. He responds by saying "we are going to go out". Yes, I know that. I KNOW THAT. At that point, I was kind of annoyed by him because he didn't get it. Of course, I know I'm the one being dumb, but seriously guy. SERIOUSLY. I haven't talked to him since then.
I thought there was some other boy annoyance I had to blog about. Now I realize that I don't have any.
I know that I've told friends of mine that I loved them when I signed off, even if we weren't that kind of friend because I was signing off in a hurry and I told someone else that. I know I've told ex-boyfriends that as a force of habit. It's like talking to someone you used to love. When you're ending the phone conversation, you want to say "I love you" because that's how it used to end. But that's not how our lives are now. We're not in love. And even though I might not even love him in a friendly sort of way, I still care. And there he is, telling me "love you". He might not even realized he did that.
Or he might have realized and done it just to make me all confused. Things I'm not going to do: let him know that he got to me. Cause he did get to me. When (but the bigger question being if), he talks to me again, I'm not going to bring it up. Maybe he will. Maybe he'll do it again. Maybe he won't. I really have no idea. I just know that he got me alllllllllll sorts of confused, like an asshole. Like he is.
On the Radio Flyer front, I texted him on Monday night and said something along the lines of "so what's the plan on Friday?" I thought that was a kind of flirty way to accept his offer to go out on Friday night. He responds by saying "we are going to go out". Yes, I know that. I KNOW THAT. At that point, I was kind of annoyed by him because he didn't get it. Of course, I know I'm the one being dumb, but seriously guy. SERIOUSLY. I haven't talked to him since then.
I thought there was some other boy annoyance I had to blog about. Now I realize that I don't have any.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Weird weekend
Radio Flyer asked me out for Friday night. I have not answered him. To be fair, I was drinking for 3 days straight, so I couldn't be expected to answer anyone about anything. I still think I have something going on, but looking at my planner and all the calendars in my life, I really have nothing. I should tell him whether I want to or not soon. Yes, I should.
Saturday night I went with my aunt to see Cheesy Fries. He had left work before I got there because his shift ended. I'm starting to think it's not worth the damage to my liver to keep on trotting out there.
But neither of those things were weird. Those things are both pretty normal. No, the weird thing happened on Friday evening. I had been drinking maybe a lot. Just maybe. My phone rings and I didn't recognize the number. I knew it wasn't the Statie boyfriend, who called last week. He's in the 518 area code. This was a different number. I answered...and it was Bootcamp Boyfriend. He's leaving bootcamp. I guess he cracked under the pressure or something of bootcamp. He's getting discharged this week and flying back to Syracuse. I'm standing there in some sort of shock. This guy was tough, mentally. He played all sorts of head games. He doesn't properly express feelings and generally is an asshole. Somehow, someone at the bootcamp got into his head and screwed him all up. I was worried for a bit because no matter how much I hate him, I still don't want anything bad to happen to him. He assured me that he was okay and that he was coming back east. He also told me that I was the only girl for him. Uh, what now? What the hell are you talking about? Then last night, I was off doing stuff (watching a movie I will blog about in a second) and he IMed me. He just left a message of nonsense, but still. Now he's in my brain. He's in my dreams again. In my dreams, he's always fabulous. He is always all those things I wanted him to be and all the things he was before whatever went wrong with him went wrong.
I just don't understand why I can bury the thoughts of Weston Footballer, The Reject, Maine Man and The Statie, but I can't get him out of my head. He's in there. It was a long and hard relationship, one that you would think that I would want to bury in that place in my head where things that make me sad go. But it's out in the open, rolling around and causing trouble. My brain clearly hates me too, because it's bringing out all the good times we had together, not the horrible times that I cried my eyes out and just hoped that he would either love me more or drop dead so that I didn't have to deal with him. I know I'm different now and it shouldn't bother me. But he's the same. Bootcamp hasn't changed him into the guy that he so badly needed to be 3 years ago. Just get out of my brain, Bootcamp Boyfriend. Get. Out.
The movie I watched last night was Wristcutters: A love story. And it was. It was about love in the afterlife, after all. And I felt so tingly and sad all at once. I think about who I was, again in relation to the Bootcamp Boyfriend and I'm so glad that I'm out.
Saturday night I went with my aunt to see Cheesy Fries. He had left work before I got there because his shift ended. I'm starting to think it's not worth the damage to my liver to keep on trotting out there.
But neither of those things were weird. Those things are both pretty normal. No, the weird thing happened on Friday evening. I had been drinking maybe a lot. Just maybe. My phone rings and I didn't recognize the number. I knew it wasn't the Statie boyfriend, who called last week. He's in the 518 area code. This was a different number. I answered...and it was Bootcamp Boyfriend. He's leaving bootcamp. I guess he cracked under the pressure or something of bootcamp. He's getting discharged this week and flying back to Syracuse. I'm standing there in some sort of shock. This guy was tough, mentally. He played all sorts of head games. He doesn't properly express feelings and generally is an asshole. Somehow, someone at the bootcamp got into his head and screwed him all up. I was worried for a bit because no matter how much I hate him, I still don't want anything bad to happen to him. He assured me that he was okay and that he was coming back east. He also told me that I was the only girl for him. Uh, what now? What the hell are you talking about? Then last night, I was off doing stuff (watching a movie I will blog about in a second) and he IMed me. He just left a message of nonsense, but still. Now he's in my brain. He's in my dreams again. In my dreams, he's always fabulous. He is always all those things I wanted him to be and all the things he was before whatever went wrong with him went wrong.
I just don't understand why I can bury the thoughts of Weston Footballer, The Reject, Maine Man and The Statie, but I can't get him out of my head. He's in there. It was a long and hard relationship, one that you would think that I would want to bury in that place in my head where things that make me sad go. But it's out in the open, rolling around and causing trouble. My brain clearly hates me too, because it's bringing out all the good times we had together, not the horrible times that I cried my eyes out and just hoped that he would either love me more or drop dead so that I didn't have to deal with him. I know I'm different now and it shouldn't bother me. But he's the same. Bootcamp hasn't changed him into the guy that he so badly needed to be 3 years ago. Just get out of my brain, Bootcamp Boyfriend. Get. Out.
The movie I watched last night was Wristcutters: A love story. And it was. It was about love in the afterlife, after all. And I felt so tingly and sad all at once. I think about who I was, again in relation to the Bootcamp Boyfriend and I'm so glad that I'm out.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Ex-boyfriends?
Very excellent article
I was thinking today while I was at the gym about all my ex-boyfriends. All of them. I can't say that I am proud of some of them, but they helped me become who I am now and help me to know that I don't ever want to date boys again. So here's the list of winning boyfriends, in all its glory. I might do a bit of oversharing. I'm just warning you
1. Weston Footballer
- dated for 3-4 months when I was a junior in high school
- played football (duh)
- helped me to misplace my virginity
What can I say about the WF? He is the reason that I started down the trail of "Boy, I love sex!" He was my first boyfriend. I met him at a leadership conference when I was a junior in high school (the fall time). We were talking online a bit before he asked me out on a date. He came to pick me up, he was dressed exactly how I like a man to be dressed and wowed my parents. I can't tell you for the life of me what we did. He bought me roses. He came and hugged me tight when I thought my parents were going to get divorced. Was an excellent boyfriend...before I slept with him. A month or two after that, we broke up...but still had sex. Oops. He would come over to my house late at night and we would go back to his house. I haven't seen him recently, maybe 2 years ago? The last time he saw me, I was working at the bookstore and I had on my emo glasses. He told me I looked like a sexy librarian. He still IMs me from time to time, wondering who I'm sleeping with. He also tells me in great detail about the sex we had, as if I had forgotten. I tried to forget, but he brings it up again. He had a girlfriend that he would cheat on all the time, but it was okay...cause she was cheating on him all the time. He's currently trying to convince his new girlfriend to have a 3 way.
Reason we broke up and who did the breaking - I think he did. Why? Because he was bored? Because I was all emo? Beats me
Friendship status - IMs every now and again. He lives down in PA
2. Reaper
- dated for 6 months or so between senior year of high school and first semester freshman year of college
- went to my college, which was where I met him
- left after freshman year
- Best. Boyfriend. Ever
Reaper is one of my best friends. Honest to God, I wouldn't change that for the world. It took us a while to get there. I met him at the accepted students weekend at my college. He told me I had beautiful eyes. After that weekend, we kept on talking. He came with me to my senior prom. We started dating shortly after that. It was a long summer without him. We were inseperable in college. We had all the same friends. He was an awesome boyfriend - always there for me, always said the nicest, sweetest things to me, always wanted me to be happy. We had awesome sex. And then we broke up. We didn't talk for a few months, which was hard cause we had all the same friends. Then we made up...and started sleeping together again. My sophmore year of college, he came to visit and hooked up with my roommate. I stopped talking to him after that. We didn't talk for 8-9 months until before my 20th birthday. Then we became best buds again. He met all my boyfriends in college to give them the seal of approval. He threatens to beat up guys that hurt me. We thought about getting back together a few times, but never did. Right now, I would much rather have him in my life all the time as my best friend than run the risk of breaking up with him and losing him again.
Reason we broke up and who did the breaking - He did. I was still emo. He thought that if we didn't break up, he would end up marrying me. Says that was the biggest mistake he ever made
Friendship status - He's my BFF. We talk like, 3-4 times a week. He makes me feel better when boys make me feel down. I don't see him half as much as I should. I miss him terribly all the time.
3. Maine Man
- dated for maybe a month second semester of my freshman year of college
- I stomped all over this one
I started dating Maine Man a month or two after Reaper and I broke up. He was friends with one of my friend's (named Robin) boyfriends (named Skullcrusher). They lived across the hall from each other. He looked a lot like the Weston Footballer. He was sweet and innocent. He drove all the way from Maine (where he lived) to Connecticut to get me to bring me to school...in upstate New York. We got him really drunk one night and he couldn't find his way back to his own dorm. None of us helped him home. His heart was totally in the right place, but I wasn't over Reaper. He also had the tinest smallest little weiner...ever. It was sad. If I had known this, I would have never gotten involved with him in the first place. I broke up with him when I was drunk, then slid down a muddy hill on my ass. And not on purpose. I broke the poor boy's heart. It gets better though. He lived with Skullcrusher our sophmore year of college. Skullcrusher was terribly in love with Robin...and she broke up with him. And I went to pick up the pieces. That was awkward. Then one night I went to a party with Skullcrusher and Maine Man and I wanted to go home. Skullcrusher told Maine Man to walk me home. He did and then he told me all the bad things about me. Awesome conversation.
Reason we broke up and who did the breaking - I broke up with him. I wasn't over Reaper. It just wasn't working. He had a tiny weiner.
Friendship status - He left after first sememester of sophmore year. I think I might have talked to him once since then and he was engaged.
4. The Reject
- Dated him for 3-4 months first semester of my sophmore year of college
- Worst. Boyfriend. Ever.
I started dating The Reject for really only one reason. My grandfather was dying from throat/lung cancer. I was in upstate New York. I was so upset and I needed someone to make me feel better. In addition, I was really sick. I was sleeping all the time and couldn't get out of bed and I had the nastiest worst migraines as well. Because of all my sleeping, I really don't remember much of my relationship with The Reject and that's probably for the best. I was in sad fucking shape, my friends. Enter The Reject. His friend (Kellen) was dating one of my friends (Liz) and that's how I met him. He was short. Like, 5'4". I'm 5'10". We were weird together. He had gotten into a serious car accident with Bootcamp Boyfriend and another friend of theirs. He wasn't a good boyfriend because he did nothing to try to make me feel special. He would stay with me at my college dorm and talk to other girls online about how we were breaking up. Of course, I had AIM logging, so I found these conversations. I went with Liz and surprised him at his house one day. He was on the phone with another girl. He had a really hard time holding down a job. He more or less sucked at life. He's the boyfriend I never talk about becaues it's flat out embarassing that I would have dated him. He started going to the college that The Statie went to...a year after I graduated. From what I hear, he went looking for me and couldn't find me. Because I had graduated. Fucking moron.
Reason we broke up and who did the breaking - I did. I realized that I needed to be better and I needed to fix myself and he wasn't a part of that. He was probably cheating on me too. Oh, and he was a reject
Friendship status - What do you think? He still IMs Darcy from time to time though.
5. Bootcamp Boyfriend
- Dated him on and off for 2 years, starting my sophmore year of college and ending my senior year. TWO FUCKING YEARS
- He gets in my brain and I can't get him out
- Amazing sex. Totally amazing.
Bootcamp Boyfriend was friends with The Reject, which was how I met him. He was totally charming and totally into me. When we first started dating, he would come to see me every weekend (he lived like an hour away in the boonies). He worked nights, but would still come to see me. One weekend, he didn't come to see me and he was kind of ignoring me. So I got a little drunk and hooked up with this other guy. I came clean, but that was always awkward. When things between us were good, they were great and excellent. I totally loved him. I really did. The end. He sent me flowers when I had to get my tonsils out over the summer. He missed me while I was gone. Then it was time for me to go back to school and back to him...and he stopped returning my calls. He stopped talking to me altogether. He didn't want to date me anymore, I guess? I can't tell you how we got back together, but we did. It might have been because my computer broke and he offered to fix it. We might have been talking by IM? Then we started talking more and more and got back together. My roommates hated him (with good reason) but I tried to make them like him. He would make me cry on a daily basis. He was totally emotionally abusive. I put up with that for two years. I don't even know how. I would only see him on the weekends, as I said. We would talk during the week and he would tell me about the other girls that he worked with and how they were hitting on him and they had bigger tits than I did and so on and so forth. I would cry and feel like shit. Then at the end of the conversation, he would tell me he loved me. And when he saw me, he would tell me how much he loved me and how he couldn't live without me. I bought into that. We kept on breaking up and making up for a long time. The summer between my junior and senior year of college, I started working with a group of people that helped me think the best of myself. I stopped sleeping so much and I lost 25 pounds. My confidence grew. I was strong enough to get out of my emotionally abusive relationship and recognize it as such. I finally had enough in me to get rid of him and move on and be a better person. A better, more amazing person. I wanted my friends back. I wanted to be like I was. He, meanwhile, was dating some girl that was cheating on him. His dad got married and even before my senior year in college and his dad's new wife told me that I wasn't invited to the wedding. I didn't need him. But for some reason, I saw him. He came upstairs to my dorm room, pushed me up against the door and said "I love you still. Always." Uh, what? So we had a thing that didn't go well my senior year of college. It was always like pulling teeth to try to get him to come and see me. The few times that we did though, we had a great time. He would be excellent boyfriend when we were together. He would be not excellent boyfriend...every other time. That math doesn't add up. I met The Statie as my relationship with Bootcamp Boyfriend came to a halt. One of the last days when I was at college, packing up my room before graduation, he called me. He was hysterical in tears. Like, couldn't get the words out tears. He was telling me how much he loved me and how awesome I was and how he couldn't live without me and so on and so forth. I didn't buy it. We then didn't talk for a while until I had this crazy ass dream about him. I emailed him, expecting him to not return my email or anything. He called. He was leaving for Bootcamp. He said he wanted to see me, but since I know him and that most everything he says is a lie, I doubted him. He got mad and hung up on me and that's the last I heard from him. We hated each other most of the time but we had awesome and amazing sex. That might have been why I stayed with him. I'll admit it.
Reason we broke up and who did the breaking - Pick a time. Sometimes it was him, sometimes it was mutual. The last time and the time that stuck, it was me. I got tired of being emotionally shoved to the floor. I got up, dusted myself off and got rid of him
Friendship status - He was at bootcamp the last time I knew. He has yet to return an email.
6.The Statie
- dated him for just over a year
- went to the state college across the street from my private college
- finally stopped calling me
He was my most recent boyfriend. I fell pretty hard for this one and I don't know why. He was dumb. I took a year of boyfriend detox from him and now I'm much better and much more awesome. He rode in on the coattails of my breakup with Bootcamp Boyfriend. Some of my friends from my school used to go to the state college and introduced me to him. We all would live at the bar my senior year, so that's where I met him. He was always at mug night. We had some playful flirting to start. One night I was down there and I was only going to stay for a beer or two. I didn't have money and I was cranky as shit and I just didn't like people. He saw me as I was leaving and asked me where I was going. I told him I was broke and going home. He offered to buy me a beer. And then another. And another. At about 2 AM, we were going back to his dorm to drink more beer. I ended up spending the night at his place...in his bed. He was in his roommate's bed. I remember calling Reaper on my walk of not shame back to my side of the street. Not long after that we started dating. We had a lot of fun and things were good. There was this girl that worked at the bar that we called (and I'm not proud of this name, but I didn't come up with it) Shovelface. She really liked The Statie. She liked him so much that since State and U had different spring breaks, she told him that they should hang out...when I was on break. I was pretty pissed. He did end up coming back from his spring break early just to hang out with me. My friends liked him, I liked him and all was good. We thought we would have some fling until the end of the year, but it turned out not to be that way. We dated all summer long and I was in love with him. We were in love. But I graduated and was looking for bigger and better things to do with my life and he...didn't finish his degree. He's 2-4 credits short. He's still not done. Although it was cute for everyone to drink a lot in college, the further removed we got from it, the less socially acceptable it became. My family liked him, but he was a drunk. So things started falling apart. He came to visit one weekend and all we fucking did was fight. He picked a fight with me over Trivial Pursuit 90's edition. I can't make that up. We broke up not long after that. He started dating another girl that I call Trainwreck. She was a real upgrade from me: worked in the fish department at Pricechopper, had a baby, the baby daddy was nailing a 16 year old, she just barely had a high school education, etc. I was feeling pretty wounded and saw no reason for him to want to be with her and not be with me. I got over that though. Then The Statie and Trainwreck broke up because she was cheating on him...SURPRISE! That's when the phone calls and texts started. He would call me at all hours of the night, begging me to come back to him and answer his phone calls and send me these emo text messages about how he couldn't live without me and he needed me and so on. I had no patience for that. One night, he called me like, 12 times, no joke. I answered the phone on the 13th time and just yelled at him. Not my proudest moment, but I couldn't take the 4 AM calls anymore. He's since stopped calling which is good, cause I just don't care.
Reason we broke up and who did the breaking - He did the first time. Then he kept on crawling back and I didn't want him
Friendship status - Not on your life.
Wow. Looking at all of this...wow. I'm a fucking magical person. Each and every one of those dumbass boys helped me get here. They helped me to believe in myself and my general awesomeness. I might hate some of them, but I can't help but thank them a little bit
I was thinking today while I was at the gym about all my ex-boyfriends. All of them. I can't say that I am proud of some of them, but they helped me become who I am now and help me to know that I don't ever want to date boys again. So here's the list of winning boyfriends, in all its glory. I might do a bit of oversharing. I'm just warning you
1. Weston Footballer
- dated for 3-4 months when I was a junior in high school
- played football (duh)
- helped me to misplace my virginity
What can I say about the WF? He is the reason that I started down the trail of "Boy, I love sex!" He was my first boyfriend. I met him at a leadership conference when I was a junior in high school (the fall time). We were talking online a bit before he asked me out on a date. He came to pick me up, he was dressed exactly how I like a man to be dressed and wowed my parents. I can't tell you for the life of me what we did. He bought me roses. He came and hugged me tight when I thought my parents were going to get divorced. Was an excellent boyfriend...before I slept with him. A month or two after that, we broke up...but still had sex. Oops. He would come over to my house late at night and we would go back to his house. I haven't seen him recently, maybe 2 years ago? The last time he saw me, I was working at the bookstore and I had on my emo glasses. He told me I looked like a sexy librarian. He still IMs me from time to time, wondering who I'm sleeping with. He also tells me in great detail about the sex we had, as if I had forgotten. I tried to forget, but he brings it up again. He had a girlfriend that he would cheat on all the time, but it was okay...cause she was cheating on him all the time. He's currently trying to convince his new girlfriend to have a 3 way.
Reason we broke up and who did the breaking - I think he did. Why? Because he was bored? Because I was all emo? Beats me
Friendship status - IMs every now and again. He lives down in PA
2. Reaper
- dated for 6 months or so between senior year of high school and first semester freshman year of college
- went to my college, which was where I met him
- left after freshman year
- Best. Boyfriend. Ever
Reaper is one of my best friends. Honest to God, I wouldn't change that for the world. It took us a while to get there. I met him at the accepted students weekend at my college. He told me I had beautiful eyes. After that weekend, we kept on talking. He came with me to my senior prom. We started dating shortly after that. It was a long summer without him. We were inseperable in college. We had all the same friends. He was an awesome boyfriend - always there for me, always said the nicest, sweetest things to me, always wanted me to be happy. We had awesome sex. And then we broke up. We didn't talk for a few months, which was hard cause we had all the same friends. Then we made up...and started sleeping together again. My sophmore year of college, he came to visit and hooked up with my roommate. I stopped talking to him after that. We didn't talk for 8-9 months until before my 20th birthday. Then we became best buds again. He met all my boyfriends in college to give them the seal of approval. He threatens to beat up guys that hurt me. We thought about getting back together a few times, but never did. Right now, I would much rather have him in my life all the time as my best friend than run the risk of breaking up with him and losing him again.
Reason we broke up and who did the breaking - He did. I was still emo. He thought that if we didn't break up, he would end up marrying me. Says that was the biggest mistake he ever made
Friendship status - He's my BFF. We talk like, 3-4 times a week. He makes me feel better when boys make me feel down. I don't see him half as much as I should. I miss him terribly all the time.
3. Maine Man
- dated for maybe a month second semester of my freshman year of college
- I stomped all over this one
I started dating Maine Man a month or two after Reaper and I broke up. He was friends with one of my friend's (named Robin) boyfriends (named Skullcrusher). They lived across the hall from each other. He looked a lot like the Weston Footballer. He was sweet and innocent. He drove all the way from Maine (where he lived) to Connecticut to get me to bring me to school...in upstate New York. We got him really drunk one night and he couldn't find his way back to his own dorm. None of us helped him home. His heart was totally in the right place, but I wasn't over Reaper. He also had the tinest smallest little weiner...ever. It was sad. If I had known this, I would have never gotten involved with him in the first place. I broke up with him when I was drunk, then slid down a muddy hill on my ass. And not on purpose. I broke the poor boy's heart. It gets better though. He lived with Skullcrusher our sophmore year of college. Skullcrusher was terribly in love with Robin...and she broke up with him. And I went to pick up the pieces. That was awkward. Then one night I went to a party with Skullcrusher and Maine Man and I wanted to go home. Skullcrusher told Maine Man to walk me home. He did and then he told me all the bad things about me. Awesome conversation.
Reason we broke up and who did the breaking - I broke up with him. I wasn't over Reaper. It just wasn't working. He had a tiny weiner.
Friendship status - He left after first sememester of sophmore year. I think I might have talked to him once since then and he was engaged.
4. The Reject
- Dated him for 3-4 months first semester of my sophmore year of college
- Worst. Boyfriend. Ever.
I started dating The Reject for really only one reason. My grandfather was dying from throat/lung cancer. I was in upstate New York. I was so upset and I needed someone to make me feel better. In addition, I was really sick. I was sleeping all the time and couldn't get out of bed and I had the nastiest worst migraines as well. Because of all my sleeping, I really don't remember much of my relationship with The Reject and that's probably for the best. I was in sad fucking shape, my friends. Enter The Reject. His friend (Kellen) was dating one of my friends (Liz) and that's how I met him. He was short. Like, 5'4". I'm 5'10". We were weird together. He had gotten into a serious car accident with Bootcamp Boyfriend and another friend of theirs. He wasn't a good boyfriend because he did nothing to try to make me feel special. He would stay with me at my college dorm and talk to other girls online about how we were breaking up. Of course, I had AIM logging, so I found these conversations. I went with Liz and surprised him at his house one day. He was on the phone with another girl. He had a really hard time holding down a job. He more or less sucked at life. He's the boyfriend I never talk about becaues it's flat out embarassing that I would have dated him. He started going to the college that The Statie went to...a year after I graduated. From what I hear, he went looking for me and couldn't find me. Because I had graduated. Fucking moron.
Reason we broke up and who did the breaking - I did. I realized that I needed to be better and I needed to fix myself and he wasn't a part of that. He was probably cheating on me too. Oh, and he was a reject
Friendship status - What do you think? He still IMs Darcy from time to time though.
5. Bootcamp Boyfriend
- Dated him on and off for 2 years, starting my sophmore year of college and ending my senior year. TWO FUCKING YEARS
- He gets in my brain and I can't get him out
- Amazing sex. Totally amazing.
Bootcamp Boyfriend was friends with The Reject, which was how I met him. He was totally charming and totally into me. When we first started dating, he would come to see me every weekend (he lived like an hour away in the boonies). He worked nights, but would still come to see me. One weekend, he didn't come to see me and he was kind of ignoring me. So I got a little drunk and hooked up with this other guy. I came clean, but that was always awkward. When things between us were good, they were great and excellent. I totally loved him. I really did. The end. He sent me flowers when I had to get my tonsils out over the summer. He missed me while I was gone. Then it was time for me to go back to school and back to him...and he stopped returning my calls. He stopped talking to me altogether. He didn't want to date me anymore, I guess? I can't tell you how we got back together, but we did. It might have been because my computer broke and he offered to fix it. We might have been talking by IM? Then we started talking more and more and got back together. My roommates hated him (with good reason) but I tried to make them like him. He would make me cry on a daily basis. He was totally emotionally abusive. I put up with that for two years. I don't even know how. I would only see him on the weekends, as I said. We would talk during the week and he would tell me about the other girls that he worked with and how they were hitting on him and they had bigger tits than I did and so on and so forth. I would cry and feel like shit. Then at the end of the conversation, he would tell me he loved me. And when he saw me, he would tell me how much he loved me and how he couldn't live without me. I bought into that. We kept on breaking up and making up for a long time. The summer between my junior and senior year of college, I started working with a group of people that helped me think the best of myself. I stopped sleeping so much and I lost 25 pounds. My confidence grew. I was strong enough to get out of my emotionally abusive relationship and recognize it as such. I finally had enough in me to get rid of him and move on and be a better person. A better, more amazing person. I wanted my friends back. I wanted to be like I was. He, meanwhile, was dating some girl that was cheating on him. His dad got married and even before my senior year in college and his dad's new wife told me that I wasn't invited to the wedding. I didn't need him. But for some reason, I saw him. He came upstairs to my dorm room, pushed me up against the door and said "I love you still. Always." Uh, what? So we had a thing that didn't go well my senior year of college. It was always like pulling teeth to try to get him to come and see me. The few times that we did though, we had a great time. He would be excellent boyfriend when we were together. He would be not excellent boyfriend...every other time. That math doesn't add up. I met The Statie as my relationship with Bootcamp Boyfriend came to a halt. One of the last days when I was at college, packing up my room before graduation, he called me. He was hysterical in tears. Like, couldn't get the words out tears. He was telling me how much he loved me and how awesome I was and how he couldn't live without me and so on and so forth. I didn't buy it. We then didn't talk for a while until I had this crazy ass dream about him. I emailed him, expecting him to not return my email or anything. He called. He was leaving for Bootcamp. He said he wanted to see me, but since I know him and that most everything he says is a lie, I doubted him. He got mad and hung up on me and that's the last I heard from him. We hated each other most of the time but we had awesome and amazing sex. That might have been why I stayed with him. I'll admit it.
Reason we broke up and who did the breaking - Pick a time. Sometimes it was him, sometimes it was mutual. The last time and the time that stuck, it was me. I got tired of being emotionally shoved to the floor. I got up, dusted myself off and got rid of him
Friendship status - He was at bootcamp the last time I knew. He has yet to return an email.
6.The Statie
- dated him for just over a year
- went to the state college across the street from my private college
- finally stopped calling me
He was my most recent boyfriend. I fell pretty hard for this one and I don't know why. He was dumb. I took a year of boyfriend detox from him and now I'm much better and much more awesome. He rode in on the coattails of my breakup with Bootcamp Boyfriend. Some of my friends from my school used to go to the state college and introduced me to him. We all would live at the bar my senior year, so that's where I met him. He was always at mug night. We had some playful flirting to start. One night I was down there and I was only going to stay for a beer or two. I didn't have money and I was cranky as shit and I just didn't like people. He saw me as I was leaving and asked me where I was going. I told him I was broke and going home. He offered to buy me a beer. And then another. And another. At about 2 AM, we were going back to his dorm to drink more beer. I ended up spending the night at his place...in his bed. He was in his roommate's bed. I remember calling Reaper on my walk of not shame back to my side of the street. Not long after that we started dating. We had a lot of fun and things were good. There was this girl that worked at the bar that we called (and I'm not proud of this name, but I didn't come up with it) Shovelface. She really liked The Statie. She liked him so much that since State and U had different spring breaks, she told him that they should hang out...when I was on break. I was pretty pissed. He did end up coming back from his spring break early just to hang out with me. My friends liked him, I liked him and all was good. We thought we would have some fling until the end of the year, but it turned out not to be that way. We dated all summer long and I was in love with him. We were in love. But I graduated and was looking for bigger and better things to do with my life and he...didn't finish his degree. He's 2-4 credits short. He's still not done. Although it was cute for everyone to drink a lot in college, the further removed we got from it, the less socially acceptable it became. My family liked him, but he was a drunk. So things started falling apart. He came to visit one weekend and all we fucking did was fight. He picked a fight with me over Trivial Pursuit 90's edition. I can't make that up. We broke up not long after that. He started dating another girl that I call Trainwreck. She was a real upgrade from me: worked in the fish department at Pricechopper, had a baby, the baby daddy was nailing a 16 year old, she just barely had a high school education, etc. I was feeling pretty wounded and saw no reason for him to want to be with her and not be with me. I got over that though. Then The Statie and Trainwreck broke up because she was cheating on him...SURPRISE! That's when the phone calls and texts started. He would call me at all hours of the night, begging me to come back to him and answer his phone calls and send me these emo text messages about how he couldn't live without me and he needed me and so on. I had no patience for that. One night, he called me like, 12 times, no joke. I answered the phone on the 13th time and just yelled at him. Not my proudest moment, but I couldn't take the 4 AM calls anymore. He's since stopped calling which is good, cause I just don't care.
Reason we broke up and who did the breaking - He did the first time. Then he kept on crawling back and I didn't want him
Friendship status - Not on your life.
Wow. Looking at all of this...wow. I'm a fucking magical person. Each and every one of those dumbass boys helped me get here. They helped me to believe in myself and my general awesomeness. I might hate some of them, but I can't help but thank them a little bit
Saturday, May 17, 2008
From last night
Last night I went out with one of my good friends, known from now on as Chicago. He's an excellent source of amusement and most importantly, logic. I told him the entire story of Dickhole Pete and he suggested that we go out, drink a little bit and just forget about how he was a dickhole. I agreed.
While we were out, I ran down the list of things that made me not want to kill everything yesterday out of total annoyance:
- "Made of Bricks" by Kate Nash. Excellent CD. She's man angry!
- Chicago and Lilo - love you both
- And this dumb quote that kept running through my head...all day...
"Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop." - Grey's Anatomy
Chicago then brought up the above linked movie clip from "Annie Hall"...just watch, it explains itself. It's totally true. You do this, you get beat up, you fall down, you like people, you hate people...and it's just so exhausting. It takes a lot of energy to be this involved with yourself and someone else. Because I know the end result is what I want. I miss being with someone. And as I said to Chicago last night, I'm lucky that I have enough guy friends to fill all the roles that boyfriends would: I go out with Chicago and Jimbo for movies and drinks and dinner, I go to Reaper when I need someone to just love me just because, and I have a gay boyfriend that I go to when I need a little gay. I want to have all those things in one person. I want to be able to look to one person for all of that stuff and not have to make 45,000 phone calls.
The other thing I realized is that in the past, when a major relationship ended, I always did something to change myself. When Reaper and I broke up, I dyed my hair red, like if I was a redhead, shit wouldn't hurt anymore. When Bootcamp boyfriend and I broke up, I dyed my hair red again. The 2nd, 3rd and 4th times we broke up, I kept on cutting my hair. When the Statie and I broke up, I chopped my hair and got it highlighted and got a new car and a new job and more or less changed everything in my life. I don't think that Statie was the one that undid me, but it was the change from College to Real World and I needed that to happen.
And at the end of this rambling post, I get to the main point...I keep on doing this because I think a part of likes the pain. A part of me likes having someone be so interested in me that it consumes my day. I like being a flirty sort of person because that's not how I normally am. I like knowing that someone, somewhere is thinking of me and thinking that I'm as amazing as I make myself out to be. And sooner or later, I'm going to have to stop hitting myself because someone is going to get in the way of my hand and the hammer.
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