Conversation with the Brewmaster

Me: when are your real tests?
Brewmaster: first one is thursday
Me: you' re going to spank it and make it your bitch
Brewmaster: thats right. those tests are in for some hard loving.
Me: that sounds like something achilles would say
he came over on friday night and i was walking into my house and he was behind me and then he's like mumbling "oh yeah baby, i would make sweet sweet love to you right now"
and i turn around to be like, WTF?
and he's humping the washing machine
Brewmaster: hahahaha
Me: it was a magical moment
Brewmaster: that is wonderful
Me: he does shit like that all the time and it amuses me to no end. he made up a song called "i'll be your personal dildo" and sings it in a high pitched voice
Brewmaster: hahahah
he's a keeper carrie
he has charmed my heart with his creative vulgarity

Lack of updating - I'm so lame

Really, I haven't trying lately. That's the real reason that I haven't been searching for boys. I was in Vermont last weekend and this weekend I'm going to MA with Darcy.

I've sent winks to a couple of guys on Match and I've gotten a message or two, but nothing exciting. I'm talking to a guy now and he seems pretty nice. There's just one thing that kind of bothers me and I'm not sure if it's just me being shallow or what. He's only 5'7". I'm 5'10". It comes down to how much the difference in height actually bothers me. I dated a guy that was really short (he was 5'4"). So maybe I won't notice the 3 inches if I really like him. As Darcy would say, I can make a deal breaking issue of anything. I was willing to overlook The Statie's drinking because I liked him. I'm going to keep on talking to him and see what happens. Like I said, so far, so good. We realized that we like one of the same and weirdest movies. We both love "Empire Records". I think he's the only person I've ever talked to that actually likes that movie as much as I do.

Why don't I have any more guy friends either? Once The Brewmaster moved out to Chicago, it's like I have no other males to hang out with. I don't work with that many guys either. I had so many guy friends at school and then I came back home and I had no one. Really the only guy I hang out with is Summer's Husband. Or some of Summer's Husband's friends. And well....we all know what I have to say about them.

Ugh

In talking to The Brewmaster yesterday (because I went out last night with him and Summer), I found out that he had talked to Jimbo about Saturday night and Trogdor's plans. And apparently, Trogdor KNOWS I don't want to hang out with him...and he keeps on asking anyway. I think that's more annoying than him being dumb and not know that I don't want to hang out. It's not even like how you ask someone you work with if they want to come to lunch everyday knowing that she will say no. He has NO REASON to ask me to do anything, but he keeps on doing it. I was so annoyed when I found out. Stop it Trogdor. Just. Stop. It.

Otherwise, I invited The Graduate to come out with Summer and The Brewmaster and I. And surprisingly enough...he came out! I think he had a fun time (I'm talking to him now) and he hasn't said no. I was just inviting him thinking he would have something better to do and he didn't. It was nice to have him there, I think Summer and The Brewmaster liked him. I also got stuck telling a really embarassing story, but I thankfully dodged that bullet. It involved me riding my bike when I was 8 years old screaming "I am Darkwing Duck" and then riding my bike into a tree and wetting my pants. I also might have screamed "I am the terror that flaps in the night!" That's the story. I'm such a winner.

Fucking A

Last night Summer, myself and her husband all went down to Queens to celebrate the Old Man's birthday. We actually ended up having lots of fun...if not for one thing. Nacho was there. And even after every stupid text message and phone call...it was like I didn't exsist. Excuse? Why would you do all of that, act interested and then just drop it? I think it's cause you're a fuck-head. To top it all off, there was another girl there (I call her Nemo) and I didn't know why. I guess Nacho had a thing with her at some point, but they are still kind of in and out of it. I have nothing against her, she's pretty cool. He's a total fucking asshole though. Regardless of what he thought, he could have handled the situation of telling me to come over, telling me to hook up with him and then having another girl be there and him be all about her better. He was really drunk, I mean REALLY drunk, so she'll go to sleep unsatisfied too. I'm just so annoyed that it played out that way. Not because I wanted anything to happen really, but because he was such a fucking dick, that's all. He also said that I WAS COMING ON TOO STRONG. That;s right, me. I wasn't the one trying to get someone to come to my apartment the weekend before. But I was somehow coming on too strong with my mildy suggestive text messages. He also hinted at the fact that I might have an issue in my hoo-hoo. I do not have any issues in my hoo-hoo and if I did, he's got them now. Again I say, what a fuckhead.

And it made me realize last night that I might have given up. I give up. I can't deal with these dumb mind games that every guy I know plays. Just say what you think and feel and you can't be faulted for that. You can be faulted, however, for doing one thing and then saying something else that doesn't jive with the action. I'll give you that last night I was a little tipsy and I donated blood in the morning and I was a little cranky, but still. I stood out on the street and talked to the Brewmaster about it. I was just about crying because it's so emotionally tolling to me to have to play these sorts of games. Why can't anyone be honest with anyone else anymore? Why can't anyone just say stuff as it is? I know I shouldn't be preaching about this, considering my history with Trogdor, but still. I'm done with the mind-fucks and I feel like saying that. I feel like telling every guy I know that I don't trust what they have to say. I just can't do it. I'm 23 and I'm so jaded that it's really sad. I don't know what it was about yesterday that made it all come crashing down, but it did. I've been pretty emo lately on the boy front, but I've had awesome people like Lilo and Darcy and Summer and I just love them and they make me feel fantastic and like I can conquer the world. Probably because I can.

After I had my meltdown in the street with the Brewmaster, I went into the bathroom with Summer and I looked into the mirror and I said "I'm fabulous. I'm so much better than this. I'm awesome and he's not and FUCK HIM!" and it kind of made me feel better. We'll see how that works. I might go and write something like that on my mirror upstairs just to remind me in case I forget.

I also went to the library yesteday and got "He's just not that into you" and I am going to read it. Maybe I will figure shit out now. I'll keep on updating about the book along the way. Maybe it will change my life? Probably not. Moral of last night's story: He's really not that into me and I don't fucking care. Asshole

update

From now on, Chicago would prefer to be known as The Brewmaster. So there you are, Chicago. Brewmaster it is.

Also, I would kind of love to date the bald man in the Sam Adams commericals with the Cahart overalls. I couldn't find a picture of him, but I really wanted to.

So complicated!

I'm really trying hard not to IM Dickhole Pete and ask him if we are real friends or fake friends. You know who fake friends are: you talk to them every once in a while, say that you are going to make plans, but mostly never do. Then when you do, it's always really awkward. A real friend would be someone I talk to, see king of regularly and can talk to about stuff, even if it isn't basic surface stuff. If Dickhole Pete is going to be a fake friend (which is where I'm putting my money), I would rather not have him around. So there.

Last night, Jimbo and Chicago and I were hanging out and it was about midnight. I got a text message from the Old Man. I generally don't get those at all, so I was very confused. He asked me if I got the text message from Nacho. No, I didn't get any text messages from Nacho. Then Nacho texts me because he wanted to know if I forgot about him. Oh Nacho, way to come back. He was asking me when I would be in the city again and I said on Friday (cause I'm going with Summer) and he asked me how I was getting home. And I said "oh, from the bar?" and he said "no, from my place". He thinks he's so smart, thinking I would go over there and have a shitty repeat performance. Well, I'm sorta bored and way totally angry at guys, so I just might. I was a little drunk though, so I said things like "I might go home with you, but you might find a hotter girl at the bar" and he said "no, I'm talking to you for a reason". Duh. Why is it that whenever I'm totally disgusted in every man I've even known, one or two come crashing back into my life and make me think that they aren't all that bad, but deep down, I know everything that those life crashers are saying is a lie. It's a confusion situation to be in.

Normally, I wouldn't have shared all that Nacho information with everyone. But since this blog is turning the way that most excellent blogs do, into a crazy narrative of my bitching and whining and moaning and hating of everything with a cock, I went for it.

We'll see how this situation unfolds

From last night

Last night I went out with one of my good friends, known from now on as Chicago. He's an excellent source of amusement and most importantly, logic. I told him the entire story of Dickhole Pete and he suggested that we go out, drink a little bit and just forget about how he was a dickhole. I agreed.

While we were out, I ran down the list of things that made me not want to kill everything yesterday out of total annoyance:
- "Made of Bricks" by Kate Nash. Excellent CD. She's man angry!
- Chicago and Lilo - love you both
- And this dumb quote that kept running through my head...all day...
"Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop." - Grey's Anatomy

Chicago then brought up the above linked movie clip from "Annie Hall"...just watch, it explains itself. It's totally true. You do this, you get beat up, you fall down, you like people, you hate people...and it's just so exhausting. It takes a lot of energy to be this involved with yourself and someone else. Because I know the end result is what I want. I miss being with someone. And as I said to Chicago last night, I'm lucky that I have enough guy friends to fill all the roles that boyfriends would: I go out with Chicago and Jimbo for movies and drinks and dinner, I go to Reaper when I need someone to just love me just because, and I have a gay boyfriend that I go to when I need a little gay. I want to have all those things in one person. I want to be able to look to one person for all of that stuff and not have to make 45,000 phone calls.

The other thing I realized is that in the past, when a major relationship ended, I always did something to change myself. When Reaper and I broke up, I dyed my hair red, like if I was a redhead, shit wouldn't hurt anymore. When Bootcamp boyfriend and I broke up, I dyed my hair red again. The 2nd, 3rd and 4th times we broke up, I kept on cutting my hair. When the Statie and I broke up, I chopped my hair and got it highlighted and got a new car and a new job and more or less changed everything in my life. I don't think that Statie was the one that undid me, but it was the change from College to Real World and I needed that to happen.

And at the end of this rambling post, I get to the main point...I keep on doing this because I think a part of likes the pain. A part of me likes having someone be so interested in me that it consumes my day. I like being a flirty sort of person because that's not how I normally am. I like knowing that someone, somewhere is thinking of me and thinking that I'm as amazing as I make myself out to be. And sooner or later, I'm going to have to stop hitting myself because someone is going to get in the way of my hand and the hammer.