Ha

So I went down to the center of town to watch my family pull a float in the Memorial Day parade. And guess who I saw? Footweiner McLovin. I almost died I was laughing so hard. There he was, driving his car with the top down and I'm yelling at Darcy and she's yelling at me. Footweiner sighting!

Last night, Dickhole Pete IM'd me to tell me that Indiana Jones sucked (cause it did) and we talked for a brief moment. I almost called him Dickhole Pete, but I stopped myself.

The playas, bitches

Here’s an update on all the players in this story, in case you’re just tuning in…

GIRLS:
Darcy – good friend of mine that started this whole shenningan. She joined POF, I joined POF. This blog was born. The creeps flock to her for some reason.
Summer – another good friend of mine. She’s married and likes my stories because they are silly
Lilo – another good married friend. She is the voice of reason mostly

The men (starting from the beginning)
Footweiner McLovin’ – has been dropped since the footweiner incident. Facebook says he has a girlfriend
Bryan – dropped since the neediness got a little out of control. Don’t know his situation, but was thrilled he wasn’t at the bar on Saturday night
The hipster – not actually hip at all. Really actually lame. Has a girlfriend now and I’m totally way hotter than she is
Trogdor – soon to be dropped because he’s so awkward. Really was interested for a while until he turned out to be strange like and I don’t want that. Was really mean to him and he didn’t get it. May have smoked so much pot that he’s killed ALL his braincells.
Butt Ugly – just that. Thought he would be a the bar on Saturday and he wasn’t either. Joy reined over my life
Old Man – friend of Summer’s husband, then Summer and now me. Is old and makes me laugh because he’s old and can’t stay out with the young kids
Nacho Libre – friend of the Old Man. Met him a few weekends ago…seems to be something. We’ll see how it plays out. He’s flirty
Reaper – good friend of mine that I dated when I was in college. We’re the for serious BFF now
Jimbo – stolen friend from a friend. He just entered the mix, but he should be good for a laugh too. Him and Trogdor are soon going to be the BFF and they will make shit all weird for me. thanks guys, thanks.

And one more thing...

This idea just struck me. Darcy and I both agree that everyone has a tragic flaw. Here's the run-down of what we know so far about the guys I've talked to:
Brad aka Footweiner McLovin - weird sex freak pervert man. Secretly a 15 year old trapped in a 31 year old's body.
Craig aka The Hipster - actually not hip at all. In fact, he may be so hip he's a circle. Also, he seems to think that I am going to sleep with him. I didn't give him that idea, I swear. He called me a prude and I told him that I just didn't like him. Didn't seem to work. Damn.
Weird wrestling man - still tries to get me to talk to him. Likes the ladiez with strong legs. Is creepy.

And we have a few more players in this game...
Ryan - seems interesting, is a little old (34!) but could play the game. I think I might just straight out ask him what his tragic flaw is. He's been writing me thoughtful emails. I am suspicious. He must be up to something.
Guy from White Plains (I haven't given him a name yet) - he's too funny and witty. Must be gay. Or not actually a real person. I don't know.
Guy in the red suit - he just messaged me on the site. He's wearing a red plaid suit. He's got a picture of him with a big fish. He can't dress himself and he wants you to think he's a manly man. He's out.

I don't really know the names of Darcy's men, but I can tell you that one wanted her to send him more pictures, to which she politely said "no thanks".

I've posted a lot today, but since I had a snow day from work...it's not like I had anything else to do. Feel special. Maybe this weekend will give me a bunch more material!

FYI guys

This isn't happening to just me....

Update on Footweiner Mclovin

Lilo said that Brad should be called McLovin. So Mclovin he is. And he has a footweiner. So...there you go. Last night, we were talking and he wanted to break up with me. We're not even dating and he was trying to break up with me. I was in a state of shock. I wanted to say "you're breaking up with me?!" but I worried that when I said that, he would think that I thought that we were actually dating. Fun fact: we aren't! So he's telling me that we are on 2 different pages and want 2 different things. I want a guy that isn't a weirdo creep ass....and he wants someone to send pornographic pictures to. I can see the difference there. But I wanted to hear his actual reason. He doesn't really have one. He just couldn't handle the fact that I have that picture of him...or something. I think I convinced him to continue not dating me. He said that even when we broke up, we could still be friends and talk. So really...no change in status. I stayed with him for the sake of the blog. He's too good to not talk about. Man, this is an excellent life I am living. You should all feel so special that I would still talk to Footweiner just so everyone can be amused. I almost feel sort of bad about it, but then I laugh. And I don't feel bad at all

Did I also mention that as I write, he's currently about 4 houses down the street from me. He doesn't know where I am, but I know where he is. I think that's for the best, really.

The story of Brad

The other day, I wrote about this guy Brad. He’s very nice and charming in person. Kind of cute in a weird way. He's 31, so I hoped he would be more mature about a lot of things. And then he gets on the internets and the devil takes over, I swear. We’ve been talking a lot, not about anything special. But for a while, I was like “heyyyyyyyyyyy okay then Brad.” That all changed in one magical moment. Brad and I were talking the other night about when was the last time we got lucky. I don’t know WHY we were talking about this, but we were. That might have been my first mistake. Then I got a picture message on my phone. I thought nothing of it, people send me picture messages of all sorts of weird things all the time. I opened it. I’ll allow you a moment to guess what the picture was of. I was hysterical in laughter. WHYYYYYYYY would someone send me a picture like that? I guess he wanted me to see what was up with him. So I’m slightly horrified and trying to get a grip on my life and all I can think is “that’s his weiner”. That’s right. He is soooooo in love with himself that he would do that. And I’m sure he had to try a couple of times to get it just right. That’s the sort of thing you do when you’re in love with yourself.
So I go to bed and I get up the next morning and it’s like I have a burning dying secret inside of me. I’m like, at the point of having a heart attack with my need to talk to Summer. I send her the picture, she laughs. I show a friend or two at work. They laugh. One of them says it looks like a foot and I can see why. It’s sort of taken at a funny angle. I then forward the picture to two more friends and they can’t stand it either. And every time I tell this story, I think “when did this become my life? When did I start getting this sort of stuff on my phone?” It’s all because of the internets. And guys that are trying to get the ladiez on the internets. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by his actions…he’s from the internet. I just found it really bold. I mean, think of all the things that I can do with this picture. And before you ask how I know that it’s really him…you can see his face. Not really clearly…but it’s his face. And his other parts. Ick.
Last night I went online and he was online. He asked if I got the pictures that he sent me. for a moment, I was speechless. I should have said no, but I know that he knows he has the right cell number. He’s texted me before…and not dirty pictures. Instead I told him I didn’t know we were friends like that. He then stopped talking to me. Guess I made him mad.

Darcy, I know it’s your birthday. I hate to break news like this on your birthday…but it couldn’t wait any longer!

Update: there are few things I need to add....
1. There was no subject line on the picture. I think something like "thinking of you" would have been good. Also "hey, it's my junk" would have worked
2. When he asked me what I thought, I really wanted to say "WHAT WOULD YOUR MOTHER THINK!?" I didn't say that.
3. I had to forward that picture. I HAD TO. How could you not?
4. If he had not shown me this picture, I would have no idea that he is a sex freak. I figured he had some sort of tragic flaw. He's a decent looking guy in his 30's and he's single. I should have known. I guess it's better that I know now. Who knows what kind of situation I could have ended up in if not for this?