Things I need

Since it's kind of a slow day at work, I decided to make a list of all the things that I don't want in a guy and things that are okay. I'm that bored. Please add if you feel the need.

I'm going to come off badly at this point, but really...I think everyone knows what kind of person I am. I'm not normally a bitch, but there are just some things I really won't compromise on.

- Cannot play World of Warcraft. No. No. That's not happening again. Video games are fine, as long as they don't take over your life.
- Can't have any sort of subtance abuse problem (I could maybe be seen as having a drinking problem, but it's only on the weekends. And with my friends. So not really a problem)
- Needs to have their shit in order. I don't need to be anyone's mom. Seriously.
- Needs to have a college degree - seems snotty to say, but my dad doesn't have one and it causes a lot of fights between my parents. Not cool.
- Not a lot of emotional baggage. I don't need to be compared to dead girlfriends or something. Or your baby's momma.
- Needs to be mostly literate. Or at least know what a book is. Or know words that have more than 5 letters
- Needs to get the somewhat weird references I make sometimes. So, that probably boils down to being in tune with pop culture.
- No freaky ass tattoos. That's just weird
- Liking sports is okay. Telling me that I can't talk when the game is on and to "get me another beer" is not okay.
- Needs to have read Harry Potter. Do I have to explain any further?
- Needs to get music. Or at least listen to music. Or know what music is. And also be able to name a band/singer/group/musical genre that they like.
- Let me have time with my girls. Don't try to stop it.
- Don't hold anything I may say when totally drunk against me. I don't know what I say, please don't remind me
- Needs to understand that I have some other boyfriends in my life: Sam Adams, Yuengling, Oliver, Vic Makey from The Shield...they will come first sometimes
- My BFF is a guy. I don't want him. I don't want to sleep with him. He will cut you if you hurt me
- Balls of steel - my family is bat shit insane. Need to be able to deal with that.
- Don't try to stick it in my butt. I know what's going on. That won't be.

Hmm

Am I asking for too much here? Maybe on a free dating website...yes. But it was Darcy's pick, so you can blame her. Otherwise, I don't think I'm asking for a lot in a decent human being. It seems like the internets pick up the scum of the world. Like, the creepiest, weirdest, freakiest people are all crawling around on the web, looking for people to take into their basement and throw in the empty well so they can yell at them to put the lotion on the skin or else they'll get the hose again. I wouldn't doubt one of those creepy men would do that.

My point is, I think some of these men are doomed. I spent some time thinking about how some people believe that there's someone for everyone. I've seen some pretty weird couples when I've been out and about in my travels of the world. I have seen some really ugly people...and they are with someone! Still, I think that it's possible that someone is so like, cracked out, that no one could enjoy them. Like the scary dude from the last message...why do you have a tattoo of a gun? And WHY is your name carcass grinder? Regardless of the fact that it's a name of a band, couldn't you think of something better. Might as well have your name be "I'm going to rape you in an alley" because I bet just as many ladiez would come running. They might actually run away. I would like to think that if you're trying to get someone, even on the internets, you would try to make yourself look appealing. You know, not have creepy weirdo pictures of half your face, or pictures that look like a mug shot or something along those lines.

Maybe I'm just a klassy lady (yes, so classy I get a K instead of a C) and think that scary tattoos aren't appealing. One of my ex boyfriends had a tattoo of a grim reaper on his arm. He went out and got it done one day and I could have killed him. Men, don't get tattoos like that. It's awkward, do you hear me? Awkward.

There are no words...so I have none

You are very gorgeous, and i was just wondering if maybe we could get to know each other a bit.. Let me know

That's his message to me. You check out his profile. I am horrified

This is why POF is sucky

There's this guy that talks to both Darcy and I. We don't know if he knows that we know each other...but regardless...he's a moron. Here's a sampling of our conversation tonight. If you know what he's saying, I'll give you a dollar. I think he's trying to be funny. He is not funny

To start, my info on AIM said "boys like you are overrated.."
T: i'm ovverated?
me: totally
T: y
T: hmm????
me: just cause
me: that's all
T: even me?
me: it's a line from a song that i've been singing all day and i liked the way that it sounds
T: lol i dfigured
me: good
T: lol ur crazy
me: i know
T: so whoever u ever tell a guy straight to his face that u cant have my # but u cna find me on myspace cause ur not 6'1"
me: what?
T: lol sorry
T: girls annoy me
me: sorry?
T: dont be
T: i jsut cant understand women
me: yeah, we're difficult
T: diffucult isnt the fuckign word
me: well, i try not to be difficult
me: i can't speak for every other girl
T: i jsut hate subtle hints
me: would you rather they be blunt hints?
T: YES
me: well, tell her that you don't like hints?
T: yea and then she told me she only dates guys 6'1"
me: that is fucking lame
me: and the dumbest thing i've heard
me: and i've heard a lot of dumb things
T: yeah ur tellin me
T: i'm jsut gonna find a girl and throw aring no game sno bullshit lol
me: ah
T: taht's good no?
me: i don't know what you mean
T: i dunno i guess i'm talking crazy talk
T: i need a drink
T: i had my 1st jagr bomb..pretty good
T: i noly like red bull with alcohol
T: *only
me: ah
T: i'm sorry i'm doing mindless rambling
me: i can see that
T: i think u'd smack me right now if u could lol
me: i'd just want you to make sense
me: i'll smack anyone, i'm not picky
T: ok should i start fromt he top? lol
me: i'll still hit you
T: very warranted
T: thank go ur an hour from me
T: *god
me: exactly, otherwise i'd kick your ass 5 ways from monday
T: i want it to be saturday
me: why?
me: what's happening on saturday?
T: i;m not working lol
me ah
me: saturday i'm going to a concert in the city
T: who ya seein?
me: say anything
T: say what?
ne: that's the band
me: say anything
T: i know i was making a bad joke
me: yeah, no, that wasn't even funny
T: i'm not remotely funny at all if u havnt noticed

And at that point, I went invisble cause I couldn't take it anymore. My brain is crying. Hard

Love it

Darcy: "You should go for it, in a not 'let's have sex' way"

I spoke too soon!

Ryan emailed me yesterday afternoon asking if he needed to send out a search party. I should just go somewhere where he can't find me. I don't know where that would be. Crap, now I am going to have to have the awkward "you're not for me, so please forget I exist" conversation. It's just that I have nothing in common really with Ryan...and he's fucking old. Can't forget that important part.

I was talking to my aunt about guys last night and she felt (she's 35) that I really should be looking in the 25-30 year old range. I believe her and it's not like I am going to take her word as law...but saying that, Ryan is just 4 years too old for me. Maybe I can set him up with my aunt. Oh my god, how weird would that be? "Sorry Ryan, you're not cut out for me...but here's my aunt, she's about the right age for you!" No. None of that.

So now I will spend the rest of the day hoping he doesn't email me back and trying to figure out a nice way to tell him that I'm just not that into him. I can't say "it's not you, it's me"...mostly because it is him. It's totally him. At first I thought I was interested, but then I realized there was nothing there beyond the idea of someone. Really, that's not a basis for anything.

So back to working and thinking about how I am going to tell some guy to just forget I even exist. I can break up with him now. I'm trying to remember what Footweiner said....

He totally did me a favor

So, I haven't heard from Ryan since last week. He hasn't emailed or called or sent me a text message. I guess I'm out. Considering I sent him the last email on Friday afternoon...the ball is in his court. If that's the way he wants to play, I guess that's okay. He saved me the awkward conversation where I tell him that I'm not so sure about him and his old manishness. I think it's kind of lame that he just like...dropped me and it's not like I really care. But he at least could have tried to break up with me like Footweiner McLovin'. I haven't talked to Footweiner really at all either.

And the Hipster now apparently has a girlfriend, says Facebook. Facebook doesn't always tell the truth, considering it says that my relationship status is complicated (it totally is). So it seems like every guy has moved on from the amazingness that is me.

I need to kick my POF actions up a notch, except I kind of believe in some sort of relationship karma, so I'm not doing anything to disturb that. We'll see what happens!

Paper boyfriends

Summer told me I should blog about this stuff I've been bitching about. But first, I must say that I met Trogdor. He did not burninate anything. Actually, he's pretty okay. But my fear was that he would be like the hipster and be a paper boyfriend. What's a paper boyfriend you ask? Well, it's a guy that looks so much better on paper than he does in real life. And it's not just that he's hotter in a picture than he is in person. Of course, with the hipster, that totally was the case. But I digress. On paper (or on the computer screen), he comes off as being totally charming and smart and full of qualities that you would want another person to have. You become smitten with this idea of some person because you think they have all the things you want. It's a total disappointment when you realize that whoever you have made this person out to be falls so short of want you want. I think part of it comes from the fact that when you're online, seperated by a computer screen, you can be whatever you want. Thus, the problem with online dating. At the same time, this could also happen with actual people you meet. Just an idea I'm throwing out there.

I thought that Trogdor, being so witty and funny when I've talked to him would totally fail to be that same person in person last night. He actually didn't. He isn't starting out to be a paper boyfriend. He's so much cooler than Ryan. He can carry on a conversation and generally entertain me. We all know how important that is. Also, I have so much more in common with Trogdor than with Ryan. So that's another point for Trogdor. Now it comes down to breaking this to Ryan. Ryan emails me a lot though and he hasn't done that much in the past 2 days. Maybe he was busy, I don't know. He keeps on asking me to come over or to go out to lunch or something like that. And since I'm starting to think that he's not for me, I'm just not finding time to do those things. I think he wanted to go out last night but I told him that I was going out with the girls (not entirely a lie). He wanted to do lunch today, but I had plans. The point is that if I really actually liked him, I would make time. I'm not making time. For a while, I thought that if I just stopped having time that he would stop asking. Maybe it is working out that way. I'm not lying all the time, I've been really busy for most of the month of March. Ryan wants to hang out on week nights, which kill me. I've been trying to get back to the gym, so I like to do that at night, not drive 45 minutes to another planet to just do nothing.

I guess I just have a lot of thinking to do tonight about how to tell someone I really just don't care anymore. Also, to think about what the hell to say to Trogdor. I can tell I will be having fun!

Sorry Readers!

I haven't had much to say lately. Maybe the creeps are starting to be less creepy? Really, who knows?! I'm sure something will pop up soon that will make us all laugh. I've just been talking to the same people most of the time. Trogdor is really great to talk to and whenever I talk of him, I sing the Trogdor Song. Ryan is getting a little annoying because he always wants me to come over to his house on the different planet. I am always busy lately, doing stuff and working and trying to go to the gym and he doesn't understand or something. At the rate he's going, I might never go out there again. He's bothering me

Conversation with Lilo...

Me: I'm talking to Trogdor!
Lilo: is he burninating anything?
Me: Not yet
Lilo: You just watch out for your thatched roof cottage
Me:....you mean my va-jay-jay?

Note: My thatched roof cottage is not as big as this one

Your whore friend Carrie

So I've been talking to that guy Ryan a lot. He's really nice. We've hung out a couple of times and I'm still undecided about what I think about him. I mean, he's totally nice and sweet, but I don't know if he has that edge that I need to have. He's funny because his way of telling me that he wants to do something is asking me when I'm going to be at his house for dinner. Fun fact: he lives really far away and it's like he lives on a different planet. A very far away one. Regardless....



I haven't done anything more than kiss him. Twice. So there. But, I wrote him a slightly suggestive email the other day (I was bored...okay?). And he...took my suggestions. And then it went all downhill from there. Here am I, sitting at work, and he's writing me emails that are making me blush. I do not blush. Ever. I also was giggling like a madwoman. Seriously now, I didn't expect that from HIM. Maybe Footweiner McLovin. Not Ryan. Anyway, at the end of the string of emails, he said "Our communications have gotten me psyched up and a few beers would let it all flow right.” Oh RLY? I'm kind of impressed with myself over that comment. Like, I'm not even close to being pretty anymore, but I can get this guy going. Through emails. I amaze myself. I gave him an e-boner. It's like e-flowers...but in your pants.



Summer wants to know how I do this sort of stuff. I don't even know how I do it. But I can and that is good enough for me.


Then there's the guy from White Plains...I've decided to call him Trogdor. He's not burninating the countryside or the peasants yet, but give him a minute and I bet he will. But the thing is...he gets me. Like, I say stuff and he gets it. It worries me. I don't know what to make of someone that understands me so well without really knowing me. I like him and I think he's really interesting. We were talking about meeting up for drinks at some point, but since I'm so popular, I really have no time to do that in the next couple of weeks.

Thanks for this one, Darcy

bigdaddy: hello
D: Hi there
bigdaddy: whats going on?
bigdaddy: u r one sexy lady!
D: Not much.. You?
D: Oh, well that's very kind of you to say...
bigdaddy: nota wheres Wilton CT?
D: Umm.. south of Danbury?
D: Most people know where the mall is.
bigdaddy: singel?
D: Yes.
bigdaddy: looking?
D: Uh... eh? I guess I"m just trying to make friends w/ people first and see from there.
bigdaddy: o I would so love to kiss your sweet looking self
D: Oh?
D: Well, thanks I suppose.
bigdaddy: your not down 4 that?
D: I take a long time to get to know people... because I think ittakes a long time to really understand me..
bigdaddy: o
D: I'm also not really about physical relationships... esp. in thebeginning... Just not my thing.
bigdaddy: o
bigdaddy: *** You've been KISSED! ***
bigdaddy: *** You've been SMACKED! ******
bigdaddy's IC window is closed

Thanks Creepy guy! He's going to kiss you and then smack you. Rawr!

Haven't gotten anything really good lately, but I will post later about some other stuff. I was out of town for a while, so nothing really good was happening