From last night

Last night I went out with one of my good friends, known from now on as Chicago. He's an excellent source of amusement and most importantly, logic. I told him the entire story of Dickhole Pete and he suggested that we go out, drink a little bit and just forget about how he was a dickhole. I agreed.

While we were out, I ran down the list of things that made me not want to kill everything yesterday out of total annoyance:
- "Made of Bricks" by Kate Nash. Excellent CD. She's man angry!
- Chicago and Lilo - love you both
- And this dumb quote that kept running through my head...all day...
"Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop." - Grey's Anatomy

Chicago then brought up the above linked movie clip from "Annie Hall"...just watch, it explains itself. It's totally true. You do this, you get beat up, you fall down, you like people, you hate people...and it's just so exhausting. It takes a lot of energy to be this involved with yourself and someone else. Because I know the end result is what I want. I miss being with someone. And as I said to Chicago last night, I'm lucky that I have enough guy friends to fill all the roles that boyfriends would: I go out with Chicago and Jimbo for movies and drinks and dinner, I go to Reaper when I need someone to just love me just because, and I have a gay boyfriend that I go to when I need a little gay. I want to have all those things in one person. I want to be able to look to one person for all of that stuff and not have to make 45,000 phone calls.

The other thing I realized is that in the past, when a major relationship ended, I always did something to change myself. When Reaper and I broke up, I dyed my hair red, like if I was a redhead, shit wouldn't hurt anymore. When Bootcamp boyfriend and I broke up, I dyed my hair red again. The 2nd, 3rd and 4th times we broke up, I kept on cutting my hair. When the Statie and I broke up, I chopped my hair and got it highlighted and got a new car and a new job and more or less changed everything in my life. I don't think that Statie was the one that undid me, but it was the change from College to Real World and I needed that to happen.

And at the end of this rambling post, I get to the main point...I keep on doing this because I think a part of likes the pain. A part of me likes having someone be so interested in me that it consumes my day. I like being a flirty sort of person because that's not how I normally am. I like knowing that someone, somewhere is thinking of me and thinking that I'm as amazing as I make myself out to be. And sooner or later, I'm going to have to stop hitting myself because someone is going to get in the way of my hand and the hammer.