Ex-boyfriends?

Very excellent article

I was thinking today while I was at the gym about all my ex-boyfriends. All of them. I can't say that I am proud of some of them, but they helped me become who I am now and help me to know that I don't ever want to date boys again. So here's the list of winning boyfriends, in all its glory. I might do a bit of oversharing. I'm just warning you

1. Weston Footballer
- dated for 3-4 months when I was a junior in high school
- played football (duh)
- helped me to misplace my virginity
What can I say about the WF? He is the reason that I started down the trail of "Boy, I love sex!" He was my first boyfriend. I met him at a leadership conference when I was a junior in high school (the fall time). We were talking online a bit before he asked me out on a date. He came to pick me up, he was dressed exactly how I like a man to be dressed and wowed my parents. I can't tell you for the life of me what we did. He bought me roses. He came and hugged me tight when I thought my parents were going to get divorced. Was an excellent boyfriend...before I slept with him. A month or two after that, we broke up...but still had sex. Oops. He would come over to my house late at night and we would go back to his house. I haven't seen him recently, maybe 2 years ago? The last time he saw me, I was working at the bookstore and I had on my emo glasses. He told me I looked like a sexy librarian. He still IMs me from time to time, wondering who I'm sleeping with. He also tells me in great detail about the sex we had, as if I had forgotten. I tried to forget, but he brings it up again. He had a girlfriend that he would cheat on all the time, but it was okay...cause she was cheating on him all the time. He's currently trying to convince his new girlfriend to have a 3 way.
Reason we broke up and who did the breaking - I think he did. Why? Because he was bored? Because I was all emo? Beats me
Friendship status - IMs every now and again. He lives down in PA

2. Reaper
- dated for 6 months or so between senior year of high school and first semester freshman year of college
- went to my college, which was where I met him
- left after freshman year
- Best. Boyfriend. Ever
Reaper is one of my best friends. Honest to God, I wouldn't change that for the world. It took us a while to get there. I met him at the accepted students weekend at my college. He told me I had beautiful eyes. After that weekend, we kept on talking. He came with me to my senior prom. We started dating shortly after that. It was a long summer without him. We were inseperable in college. We had all the same friends. He was an awesome boyfriend - always there for me, always said the nicest, sweetest things to me, always wanted me to be happy. We had awesome sex. And then we broke up. We didn't talk for a few months, which was hard cause we had all the same friends. Then we made up...and started sleeping together again. My sophmore year of college, he came to visit and hooked up with my roommate. I stopped talking to him after that. We didn't talk for 8-9 months until before my 20th birthday. Then we became best buds again. He met all my boyfriends in college to give them the seal of approval. He threatens to beat up guys that hurt me. We thought about getting back together a few times, but never did. Right now, I would much rather have him in my life all the time as my best friend than run the risk of breaking up with him and losing him again.
Reason we broke up and who did the breaking - He did. I was still emo. He thought that if we didn't break up, he would end up marrying me. Says that was the biggest mistake he ever made
Friendship status - He's my BFF. We talk like, 3-4 times a week. He makes me feel better when boys make me feel down. I don't see him half as much as I should. I miss him terribly all the time.

3. Maine Man
- dated for maybe a month second semester of my freshman year of college
- I stomped all over this one
I started dating Maine Man a month or two after Reaper and I broke up. He was friends with one of my friend's (named Robin) boyfriends (named Skullcrusher). They lived across the hall from each other. He looked a lot like the Weston Footballer. He was sweet and innocent. He drove all the way from Maine (where he lived) to Connecticut to get me to bring me to school...in upstate New York. We got him really drunk one night and he couldn't find his way back to his own dorm. None of us helped him home. His heart was totally in the right place, but I wasn't over Reaper. He also had the tinest smallest little weiner...ever. It was sad. If I had known this, I would have never gotten involved with him in the first place. I broke up with him when I was drunk, then slid down a muddy hill on my ass. And not on purpose. I broke the poor boy's heart. It gets better though. He lived with Skullcrusher our sophmore year of college. Skullcrusher was terribly in love with Robin...and she broke up with him. And I went to pick up the pieces. That was awkward. Then one night I went to a party with Skullcrusher and Maine Man and I wanted to go home. Skullcrusher told Maine Man to walk me home. He did and then he told me all the bad things about me. Awesome conversation.
Reason we broke up and who did the breaking - I broke up with him. I wasn't over Reaper. It just wasn't working. He had a tiny weiner.
Friendship status - He left after first sememester of sophmore year. I think I might have talked to him once since then and he was engaged.

4. The Reject
- Dated him for 3-4 months first semester of my sophmore year of college
- Worst. Boyfriend. Ever.
I started dating The Reject for really only one reason. My grandfather was dying from throat/lung cancer. I was in upstate New York. I was so upset and I needed someone to make me feel better. In addition, I was really sick. I was sleeping all the time and couldn't get out of bed and I had the nastiest worst migraines as well. Because of all my sleeping, I really don't remember much of my relationship with The Reject and that's probably for the best. I was in sad fucking shape, my friends. Enter The Reject. His friend (Kellen) was dating one of my friends (Liz) and that's how I met him. He was short. Like, 5'4". I'm 5'10". We were weird together. He had gotten into a serious car accident with Bootcamp Boyfriend and another friend of theirs. He wasn't a good boyfriend because he did nothing to try to make me feel special. He would stay with me at my college dorm and talk to other girls online about how we were breaking up. Of course, I had AIM logging, so I found these conversations. I went with Liz and surprised him at his house one day. He was on the phone with another girl. He had a really hard time holding down a job. He more or less sucked at life. He's the boyfriend I never talk about becaues it's flat out embarassing that I would have dated him. He started going to the college that The Statie went to...a year after I graduated. From what I hear, he went looking for me and couldn't find me. Because I had graduated. Fucking moron.
Reason we broke up and who did the breaking - I did. I realized that I needed to be better and I needed to fix myself and he wasn't a part of that. He was probably cheating on me too. Oh, and he was a reject
Friendship status - What do you think? He still IMs Darcy from time to time though.

5. Bootcamp Boyfriend
- Dated him on and off for 2 years, starting my sophmore year of college and ending my senior year. TWO FUCKING YEARS
- He gets in my brain and I can't get him out
- Amazing sex. Totally amazing.
Bootcamp Boyfriend was friends with The Reject, which was how I met him. He was totally charming and totally into me. When we first started dating, he would come to see me every weekend (he lived like an hour away in the boonies). He worked nights, but would still come to see me. One weekend, he didn't come to see me and he was kind of ignoring me. So I got a little drunk and hooked up with this other guy. I came clean, but that was always awkward. When things between us were good, they were great and excellent. I totally loved him. I really did. The end. He sent me flowers when I had to get my tonsils out over the summer. He missed me while I was gone. Then it was time for me to go back to school and back to him...and he stopped returning my calls. He stopped talking to me altogether. He didn't want to date me anymore, I guess? I can't tell you how we got back together, but we did. It might have been because my computer broke and he offered to fix it. We might have been talking by IM? Then we started talking more and more and got back together. My roommates hated him (with good reason) but I tried to make them like him. He would make me cry on a daily basis. He was totally emotionally abusive. I put up with that for two years. I don't even know how. I would only see him on the weekends, as I said. We would talk during the week and he would tell me about the other girls that he worked with and how they were hitting on him and they had bigger tits than I did and so on and so forth. I would cry and feel like shit. Then at the end of the conversation, he would tell me he loved me. And when he saw me, he would tell me how much he loved me and how he couldn't live without me. I bought into that. We kept on breaking up and making up for a long time. The summer between my junior and senior year of college, I started working with a group of people that helped me think the best of myself. I stopped sleeping so much and I lost 25 pounds. My confidence grew. I was strong enough to get out of my emotionally abusive relationship and recognize it as such. I finally had enough in me to get rid of him and move on and be a better person. A better, more amazing person. I wanted my friends back. I wanted to be like I was. He, meanwhile, was dating some girl that was cheating on him. His dad got married and even before my senior year in college and his dad's new wife told me that I wasn't invited to the wedding. I didn't need him. But for some reason, I saw him. He came upstairs to my dorm room, pushed me up against the door and said "I love you still. Always." Uh, what? So we had a thing that didn't go well my senior year of college. It was always like pulling teeth to try to get him to come and see me. The few times that we did though, we had a great time. He would be excellent boyfriend when we were together. He would be not excellent boyfriend...every other time. That math doesn't add up. I met The Statie as my relationship with Bootcamp Boyfriend came to a halt. One of the last days when I was at college, packing up my room before graduation, he called me. He was hysterical in tears. Like, couldn't get the words out tears. He was telling me how much he loved me and how awesome I was and how he couldn't live without me and so on and so forth. I didn't buy it. We then didn't talk for a while until I had this crazy ass dream about him. I emailed him, expecting him to not return my email or anything. He called. He was leaving for Bootcamp. He said he wanted to see me, but since I know him and that most everything he says is a lie, I doubted him. He got mad and hung up on me and that's the last I heard from him. We hated each other most of the time but we had awesome and amazing sex. That might have been why I stayed with him. I'll admit it.
Reason we broke up and who did the breaking - Pick a time. Sometimes it was him, sometimes it was mutual. The last time and the time that stuck, it was me. I got tired of being emotionally shoved to the floor. I got up, dusted myself off and got rid of him
Friendship status - He was at bootcamp the last time I knew. He has yet to return an email.

6.The Statie
- dated him for just over a year
- went to the state college across the street from my private college
- finally stopped calling me
He was my most recent boyfriend. I fell pretty hard for this one and I don't know why. He was dumb. I took a year of boyfriend detox from him and now I'm much better and much more awesome. He rode in on the coattails of my breakup with Bootcamp Boyfriend. Some of my friends from my school used to go to the state college and introduced me to him. We all would live at the bar my senior year, so that's where I met him. He was always at mug night. We had some playful flirting to start. One night I was down there and I was only going to stay for a beer or two. I didn't have money and I was cranky as shit and I just didn't like people. He saw me as I was leaving and asked me where I was going. I told him I was broke and going home. He offered to buy me a beer. And then another. And another. At about 2 AM, we were going back to his dorm to drink more beer. I ended up spending the night at his place...in his bed. He was in his roommate's bed. I remember calling Reaper on my walk of not shame back to my side of the street. Not long after that we started dating. We had a lot of fun and things were good. There was this girl that worked at the bar that we called (and I'm not proud of this name, but I didn't come up with it) Shovelface. She really liked The Statie. She liked him so much that since State and U had different spring breaks, she told him that they should hang out...when I was on break. I was pretty pissed. He did end up coming back from his spring break early just to hang out with me. My friends liked him, I liked him and all was good. We thought we would have some fling until the end of the year, but it turned out not to be that way. We dated all summer long and I was in love with him. We were in love. But I graduated and was looking for bigger and better things to do with my life and he...didn't finish his degree. He's 2-4 credits short. He's still not done. Although it was cute for everyone to drink a lot in college, the further removed we got from it, the less socially acceptable it became. My family liked him, but he was a drunk. So things started falling apart. He came to visit one weekend and all we fucking did was fight. He picked a fight with me over Trivial Pursuit 90's edition. I can't make that up. We broke up not long after that. He started dating another girl that I call Trainwreck. She was a real upgrade from me: worked in the fish department at Pricechopper, had a baby, the baby daddy was nailing a 16 year old, she just barely had a high school education, etc. I was feeling pretty wounded and saw no reason for him to want to be with her and not be with me. I got over that though. Then The Statie and Trainwreck broke up because she was cheating on him...SURPRISE! That's when the phone calls and texts started. He would call me at all hours of the night, begging me to come back to him and answer his phone calls and send me these emo text messages about how he couldn't live without me and he needed me and so on. I had no patience for that. One night, he called me like, 12 times, no joke. I answered the phone on the 13th time and just yelled at him. Not my proudest moment, but I couldn't take the 4 AM calls anymore. He's since stopped calling which is good, cause I just don't care.
Reason we broke up and who did the breaking - He did the first time. Then he kept on crawling back and I didn't want him
Friendship status - Not on your life.

Wow. Looking at all of this...wow. I'm a fucking magical person. Each and every one of those dumbass boys helped me get here. They helped me to believe in myself and my general awesomeness. I might hate some of them, but I can't help but thank them a little bit